desperate for advice?

Question

I have a 8 year old step child who is just mean and rude, the manners thing is coming slowly, but we have no idea how to teach this child compassion. If he doesn't get his way he is just completely mean with his words, we send him to his room or take away stuff ( I should mention hurting peoples feelings being mean with his words, pokes at his brothers wounds or sores hits his brother or other children if he feels they deserved it) but after time in his room we to talk to him about it and we explain why he was sent to his room again, why its wrong to be mean or hurt someone and how important it is to deal with being upset by not hitting (we don't hit our children) he still thinks he has that right know matter what we say. and I should mention this, if he does get into trouble he will cry he actually crys alot. We can't figure this out. We could really use any advice anyone has. At this point we are seeking a therapist for him.

Answer 1

Your step son is in a tough spot. He is torn between you and his natural mother. He needs a way to vent his anxieties and anger. The lashing out at people and being rude is the way he does it. Your right a therapist could help a lot. I would also suggest that you and your husband take a divorcing parents class. I know your not divorced but the class could help with understanding the problems your step son is having. If his natural mother could take one that would be great also.

Now for discipline. Just sending him to his room is not enough. If i guess right he can play in his room when you send him there. Don't let that happen. He thinks "I can just go play". I would suggest putting a chair in the corner of a room, facing the corner, where he can't play or watch TV. Get him to sit there one minute per year of age. Every time he gets up before his time is up start his time over. He will be mad and throw a tantrum, IGNORE IT!!
When his time is up make him apologize for what he has done.
My nine year old likes to push, touch and hit my six year old. Every time he does we take his computer time. You can't make too many rules but these two things seem to work on both of my children. The naughty chair and restricting his favorite things should work.
I hope this helps. Good luck!

Answer 2

The therapist and the consistent punishment you have been doing as well as the heart-to-hearts are great - cudos to you! When you have the heart-to-hearts do you ever discuss his feelings and why he did this (caution: don't fall into the trap where he can excuse his behavior). Sounds like he is having trouble with his emotions, he may not be able to control them and he may not even recognize them. Teach him some other outlets, such as something funny such as a Tarzan yell or maybe give him a pillow or punching bag to hit or throw to calm him down, maybe go for a run, whatever works for him and when he is more calm he can better address what is bothering him without so much aggression. I have a book called "The Explosive Child" I can forward if you want, let me know. But this is probably all stuff the therapist can address also. If you feel really dramatic measures are necessary try seeking parenting classes - your local domestic relations can help you find them.

Answer 3

I think the therapist is a good idea. It could be that he has ADD and you just do not know. Some kids are just this way. There are a million reasons for such behavior and it could be any one of them. Could be because you do not do harsher things as punishment. I do not mean that you SHOULD hit him. What I mean is that you should do different things, not just send him to his room. Put him in a corner, make him do things like holding a book in each hand with his arms extended out to the sides and not allow him to drop his arms at all for a certain period of time, think of creative punishments that he hates but do him some good without him knowing. the book thing helps build muscles and stamina in his arms. Those kinds of things. It may seem cruel BUT not really if you think of what he gets out of it. There are a million ways to punish your child that are positive. Talk to a councellor or someone who is an expert in parenting issues. Maybe join a support group. But it COULD also be his diet. I know, for a fact, that hot dogs can have this affect on some kids. I've seen it AND gotten medical confirmation from a doctor. There are foods that contribute to such behavior patterns. Other than that all I can really say is find some other healthy, FIRMER, tactics for dealing with the child and get some professional help before yo pull your hair out! I truely hope this works out for you! Good luck and best wishes. Warning! You need to deal with this sooner rather than later because it only gets worse the longer it continues. I have 4 kids ages 6 years to 12 years. Trust me, I know!

Answer 4

If this approach isn't working what's left?

A good ole spanking. Now I love my kids more than life itself and I would gladly spare them any pain that I can, but it is my STRONG belief, even though it pains me, that a spanking, when warranted, is a valid solution.

Now, I'm not getting into the whole "I'm right and you're way is wrong" discussion so please don't take it like that. I'm simply saying that right now it seems your way isn't working very well. That being said, maybe it's time to take a different approach.

I have two children myself, and I was spanked as a child. I also have friends who don't believe in spanking as a punishment. I can say with all honesty, that mine are the better behaved.

Anyways, it's just a thought. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 5

I think a therapist is a great idea, I went through something very similar with my son, turns out he was very angry with his dad after our divorce, consistancy is the key, I think you are doing everything right, just make sure and be consistant at the same time telling him no matter what you love him unconditionally.

Answer 6

nicely its been awhile for the reason that i changed into in college yet i keep in recommendations those style of circumstances ... besides the actuality that you'll assume you may want to ask him ... i imagine it will be ok that you should have your pal brett do it... .it relies upon on how close you and brett are .. you 2 might want to possibly communicate about how he might want to mind-set shaun .... tell him precisely what you go with stated because in case you only believe a guy it many times would not get stated accurate lol yet yeah ask him to a minimum of discover out tips from shaun actually have him ask shaun ...if he may favor you to ask him out .... good success girlie and im certain once college starts up again he will be all yours ok ;)

Answer 7

Call Nanny 911

Answer 8

A THERAPIST MAY BE EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDS. SOUNDS LIKE HE LOOKING FOR ATTENTION ANY WAY HE CAN GET IT. YOU MUST STOP BABYING HIM AND JUST LAY IT RIGHT ON THE LINE. IF YOU DON'T HIT YOUR CHILDREN THAT'S FINE. BUT REALIZE THIS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL YOU GET TO THE ROOT OF HIM HURTING PEOPLE(CHILDREN) AND ACTING OUT. GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

Hun, just try the best you can and do whatever you can in your power to calm him down. what you really need to do is go on t.v. on nanny 911 and get help from them. if you are not able to get on t.v. then you can get a psychiatrist and they may be able to help. i feel sorry for you (in a good way) have you tried telling his birth
mother anything? maybe she can help also. there are many ways you can deal with a child. just use your mind.

Answer 10

Sounds like he is seeking attention, bad or otherwise. Maybe Dad should take him out for a little one-on-one..maybe fishing, a ball game...something with just the 2 of them.