My Dad died 8 weeks ago after fighting cancer for a year and a half. During his illness I spent almost all my spare time after work visiting my parents house as he was being for cared at home by my Mum and, especially near the end, she needed all the help possible.
Anyway, during that time my husband was left alone at home and as the months progressed he was turning to drink more and more as (he says) he was bored waiting for me to come home. Don't get me wrong he was fabulous - he did the washing, cleaning etc.
Well, the problem is that now that my Dad has died my husband is still drinking every single night - he doesn't drink spirits, just beer. I honestly thought that now would be a time for us getting our relationship back on track which is what i want more than anything in the world - instead I lie in bed beside a man who I don't even want to kiss (beer breath!). I've told him how i feel and he tells me he loves me and that he will cut back but its worse now than ever - help!
2006-07-19 05:40:58 · 19 answers · asked by kamirsam 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
try to get him out of the house more. Get him out so that he gets out of that patteren of being bored. If that doesn't help, tell him he needs to get professional help. Send him to rehab.
2006-07-19 05:45:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Without realising it you understandably did neglect your relationdhip with your husband whilst your father was ill. Your partner perhaps felt very rejected and unloved in this period and so therefore turned to drink. Now however it seems the drinking has become a habit and one that is hard to break. Perhaps the drink is not the real problem but rather a symptom of a deeper problem/issue. Maybe you need to sit down with your husband and let him know that you feel that on some level you have neglected him and you recently, and you will do everything in your power to remedy that. However in return you want him to cut down drinking to the weekend... so you can have more QUALITY time together.... good luck!
2006-07-19 05:57:39 · answer #2 · answered by Lauren C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello darling,
I can fully understand what you have passed through. I have worked with people in your same field for a couple of years. Please understand me I am not saying anything out of pity BUT FOR FRIENDSHIP.
The time of an illness especially cancer, burdens an individual with a lot of responsibility not only to care for the sick but also psychologically. I am more than sure that you have worked hard, kept your hope up high and helped your mum in the best way possible. Needless to say, they are and always remain your parents. Next in line is your husband. It is always the normality that husbands, although we promise to love above everything else, come in second place when life brings forth such events.
Yes your husband has felt abandoned in some way but could not communicate with you having understood that it would burden you with a so called another problem.
Now that unfortunately your father has passed away is your time to try and settle back SLOWLY into your normal routine. Like you had to take your time through your father's illness, now you have to take your time to bring your husband back to what was before.
As you move closer to your life-style, so will your husband decrease on his need to find support in a beer. I KNOW that 'kissing beer' is not at all attractive, but REMEMBER that he has taken your pains to support you in his best way possible, so PLEASE refrain from telling him anything that would hurt his inner self.
Life reserves millions of surprises when we least expect them but we as normal individuals cannot change atmospheres over an hour.
I augur that you will settle down happily to your natural self. Do NOT hurry in your decision making and refrain from saying anything that you would regret as soon as the word escapes your lips. Think carefully and relax. Stress will not help you at all.
If you want to continue with our communication please feel free to do so, I would not mind at all. Maybe I will be able to guide you more long the way.
In the meantime, good luck and remember that there are a lot of people who love you and spread rose petals along your paths.
best regards
2006-07-19 05:53:32 · answer #3 · answered by Janine 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is now time for you and him to seek help while their is still some hope left. Do not be mad at him cause he coped in the way that he knew how might not have been the best way but it was his way. Also is it possible for you before he starts to drink to come up with something to do for him and you away from the problem in which he can not drink. I am sorry to hear about the passing of your father and hope every thing is going well with your mom.
2006-07-19 05:51:55 · answer #4 · answered by justduh 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two need to get away for a week or two and spend some time together. He is feeling neglected, and it may be selfish but getting away from everything and showing him how much you care for him and stop holding back because he's had a couple of beers
2006-07-19 06:57:08 · answer #5 · answered by freeatlastboone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
so he was under so much pressure? Your heart was breaking so he started drinking? You're still hurting but teust me on this one - he's making you the excuse for his drinking. If he was a man he would have stayed strong for you. Don't do anything yet. You're still grieving. Wait till you're stronger and then hopefully either he will have grown up or you will have walked away from him with a clear conscience - because this is his problem and not yours!
2006-07-19 12:22:15 · answer #6 · answered by Jackie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time to get back to basic with you two. Is there any way you can get away from the house for a night or two. Just the two of you. Go do something together you haven't had a chance to do for a while. Even if it is just to go see a movie or a walk in the park.
Make the time for the two of you.
2006-07-19 06:00:08 · answer #7 · answered by B D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need marriage counseling, as what you did for you father was commendable, but you put your marriage on teh back burner and your husband may have some severe hurt feelings and confusion over this.
And he may need a few AA meetings to get on track, but start with couples counseling.
2006-07-19 06:00:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that sad that If my wife's father died I will go with her and help her and support her and do anything I can to help her and her family. But Why the hell he sitting home drinking beer and didn't care about your dad dying and not support you?
Even If I don't like my Father in Law but I do anything for my wife why that how we make our relationship works. And he left home and mosths progressed he was bord waiting for you to be home????? My gosh, he knew what going on and I know you already told him what happening and what going on.. But he made that choice... I am telling you he will not cut back and he already hooked on it.
I think you can find someone better than this. He can do better than drinking beer that crapy dumb guy. I understand that he fabulous... but I don't think you see that he didn't support you when you going though hard ship seeing Dad dying, pain, a father you will not be able to see him again. all that.. hoping my husband support me and he didn't clearly he think for himself.
If that my brother believe me I am going to kick his *** and he will be so sorry.
2006-07-19 06:06:06 · answer #9 · answered by greenbaypackers1920 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe you should try to get him to get help before it gets impossable, talk again with him and let him know you need this to happen if it doesnt not sure what to say some can handle better than others and sometimes need to take a break and see what happens, I hope you find what you need to do and good luck it is very hard to live w/ someone who just cares on the drink and knows its makin things worse but doesnt stop,
2006-07-19 05:47:52 · answer #10 · answered by BRIAN J R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok so hes turned to drink whilst you cared for your father and helped out your mum, but hes got a drink problem and he needs to admit it and go to an AA meeting. Hope you can get him some help
2006-07-19 05:44:55 · answer #11 · answered by Mel.B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋