My wife still holds a grudge against my mother, she hates my mom. Would you?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 5 years and since my 1st date with my wife my mom has disliked her.

My mom has said lies about my wife to family members to turn them against her. She always finds something wrong with my wife that she dislikes. My wife is 100% different than my mom and that’s why I married her!

6 months before our wedding, my mother told my wife that she and her family didn’t think my wife was good enough to marry me and that they didn’t want me to marry “someone like her”.

Needless to say my wife still dislikes my mother 2 years later. My mother doesn’t say anything to our face anymore about my wife, and my wife is polite to my mother, but my wife can’t stand my mother.

I have pushed my mother away and I don’t see her too often because of how she has treated my wife.

I don’t think my wife will get over this, she says she intends on being the best mother and wife just to rub it in my mother's face.

Any advice? Is it okay my wife dislikes my mom?

We are planning on trying for our first baby next year if that matters.

In my eyes my mother dislikes my wife because:

1. My mom is divorced and never remarried
2. I am the only child
3. She doesn't have friends
4. She used me as a surrogant husband

Answer 1

Yes, it is OK for your wife to dislike your mom. Sounds like it is to be expected. YOU however, need to put your foot down & tell your mom (in no uncertain terms) that you married who you loved. Your mom did not marry her so she needs to keep her meddling to herself and stop trying to start crap for your wife. Best advice, stand by your wife; don't let your mom treat her badly-she is after all-YOUR mom.

Answer 2

Wow, it sounds like you have quite a predicament on your hands! Fortunately, it also sounds like the underlying problem between your wife and your mother stems from the fact that they both love you so much...and that should at least make you feel a little happy, despite the tension between them.

You mom loves you so she probably wouldn't think ANY woman is good enough for you, because she thinks you are so absolutely wonderful that know one else comes close.

And your wife loves you so much that she is determined to be a good wife and mother despite how unfairly your mom treats her, and she has stuck by your side and has not left the relationship even though she has a lot stacked against her.

Honestly, I think that your wife has a right to be upset with your mom if she has in fact been this cruel...but she shouldn't try to get revenge, and she should be a good wife and mother just to be a good wife and mother. Not to spite your mom.

I know it may be a little late, but I think that having the three of you sit down and talk would be a good idea. I think your mom needs to know that you and your wife are going to stay together and are very happy and that your happiness should be more important to her than anything else. Yeah, maybe there are other girls that your mom thinks are "better", but you have found the best and she needs to respect that. And maybe if she sees how much your wife loves you and how well she treats you, she will understand why you are with her and not someone else.

They really need to talk about their fears instead of all the underhand bickering and being mad.
For YOUR sake!

And it sounds like being good to you is one thing they can both agree on.

Sorry for the novel, I am just trying my best to help. :)

Answer 3

I too, am in the same boat as your wife, I feel that my mother-in-law dislikes me as well and has given me a hard time even though it has been 4 years later and with 1 son. But, unlike your wife and not to put her down, I still am civil with her and even though I disagree with some of the stuff she pulls, I remember that this woman will be with me( through my Husband and son) for a long time and that I should try to make it pleasant as possible but that's just me. Respect your wife's decision and don't force her to do anything she might feel uncomfortable with. I understand she's your mother, but now you have an extentsion of yourself, another half so to speak and she has to accept the whole package. And not to be mean, but I feel as though you should've intervened more and by not doing so you let the stituation become greater. Give your wife time and if your mother says rude comments, put her in her place. Take it from someone who's been there

Answer 4

You are right by keeping your loyalty with your wife, and it looks like you're doing everything right to try to handle the situation. Your mother felt threatened that any other woman in your life would take you away from her...she needs to understand from you that her reaction to feeling threatened is exactly what has driven you away.

And you need to lovingly tell your wife that your concerned about what her holding a grudge is doing to her health. It's okay for her to not like your mom, or want to hang out with her (hey there are very few perfect in-law relationships out there) but you don't want her to get worked up into a lot of anger too often because it will only negatively effect herself.

Congrats on your decision to have a baby. and who knows, often times grandkids are the great heart softener in situations like this.

Answer 5

I think that I would dislike your mom too. She sound slike she has been horrid to your wife, and I commend your wife on being civil towards her for your sake. No matter what though you need to stick on your wife's side, and not let your mother poison your marriage. Women are mean anyway and hold grudges longer than men so it might tkae yout wife some time to get over it. Just respect ehr feelings.

Answer 6

I think your wife has every right to act the way she is towards your mother. She is being polite to your mother when she comes into contact with her but isn't being a fake. She respects her because she's your mother. I get the understanding that your mom is jealous of you and your wife's relationship. I think you should step up to the plate and tell your mom something, in a respectful manner of course, if you havn't already. I think your wife has every right to dislike your mom according to the information you've provided

Answer 7

Yes its OK.I'm in the same situation.My husband and i have been together 9 yrs and we recently got married earlier this year.So that right there really killed his mom.I never given her a reason not to like me but oh well.I cant stand her either, but i too, am polite to her.But i do stay away as much as possible.And go ahead and have children, have as many as u please. we have 2, and on New Years, that B**** made the remark to me that she didn't want anymore grandchildren from us.Well we been trying for our 3rd every since.She too is divorced and lonely.She just a old grumpy B****.Over the weekend, she made a comment to our 7 yr old that really upset her, and she came crying to me.I usually have my husband talk to his mom when i have a problem, but this situation included my daughter so i had the conversation myself.Believe me, it wasn't nice either.Are u close with ur mom? Does it bother u they don't like each other? if it does then, u need to talk to ur mom and tell her it was wrong for lieing about ur wife.she needs to apologize.Then maybe they can start all over.Unlike me, my husband and his mom aren't close at all, so he's got my back 100%. We didnt even get a congrats on our marriage.She told him i cant believe u really did it.Best of luck to u both

Answer 8

Your mother was unkind from the beginning and you should have said something to her right then and there.

Your mother needs to understand that she is entitled to her opinion as long as she keeps it to herself.

You married the person you feel in love with and are building a life with. Your mother should be elated that you are so happy and even though she had jumped the gun on making comments about your wife, before you were married, I think mom owns her daughter in law an apology.

Your wife is right about the best wife and mother part. It is going to drive your mother crazy that this relationship is surviving, that your wife is perfect for you and that you are both so happy togther.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 9

If everything you said about your mother is true, it is ok for your wife not to like your mother. It seems that your mother is never going to accept your wife and you cannot reward behavior like that. It's great that your mother has stopped saying things to your face, but she really needs to let go a little. Don't even bother trying to get her a hobby or a boyfriend, because you are her hobby.

As far as your relationship with her, if you want to improve your relationship with her-you can-but your mother is going to have to do the work. Tell her that if she wants things to improve between the two of you that she has to learn to accept your wife or they will never get better. Do no listen to people who tell you that you should just live with it because she is your mother. Also, do not use the child you are about to have as a weapon against her. However, if your mother continues and it starts to affect your child, you have to put a stop to that. Maybe you should even be up front with her and let her know that you would never keep her grandchild from her, but she cannot continue to bad mouth your wife-not in front of the baby.

The only reason that your mother is doing what she is doing is for control and you can't give her that. I understand that you are her only child, but a parents job is to raise a child and then let go, your mom can't do the last part. You should also keep in mind that she is terrified of being alone (not that this is an excuse).

If your wife has no intention of trying to remedy the situation between her and your mother, make sure that she does not stoop to your mother's level and start making comments like she does. When and if she hears anything your mom has said, her response should always be, 'I'm sorry she feels like that.' Always be as nice as pie, because in addition to wanting control, she wants your wife to flip out and if she says nothing and is nice to your mother (and everyone your mother talks to) your mother is going to be pissed.

I know this is a lot, but think of it like this-What if you gave in to your mother and allowed her to just drive your wife out of the family. Do you think your mother and the rest of the family are going to take away the pain you feel--NO. They're going to tell you I told you so and you're going to be left with a hole in your heart for the woman you love. Sometimes, you have to let go of people who are not good for you and sometimes that includes family.


Good luck

Answer 10

Are you an adult or a child? If you are an adult, then you need to act like it. It is NOT the childs fault that the ex is her mother. I am assuming that this happened before you were in the picture. so there is a child that is the product of a previous relationship, GET OVER IT!! If you love the father than you should love the child, and treat her as you would your own. Hate the mother, all you want but if you want to be the one that smells like roses in the end, kill her with kindness. that is the best revenge of all. I know this as a fact, my step daughter told her mother that she loved me more because I have time for her and care more about her than she (the mom) does. OUCH!!!!!

Answer 11

It would be hard to like a mother in law who has not tried to be nice, and maligned your wife to other people. I used to have a mean and jealous mother in law, so I sympathize.
I don't know your wife, but it sounds like she must be a decent person if she is polite to your mother when she sees her. However, I would not let spite be any motivation for any type of behaviour, one way or another. If your wife is going to be the best wife and mother, then to "rub it in your mother's face" should not be her reason or motivation. It is wrong to carry hate in one's heart. I used to be very sweet to my mother in law (I'm divorced from her son now but not because of her!). When she said rude or self-centered things, I just pitied her and let it be water off a duck's back. We only saw her on holidays, and lived across town- so I didn't have to deal with her very often.
My advice to your wife would be to continue to be polite, and patient. Adversity can build character. And try not to hold animosity in your heart. Prove her wrong about you.
My advice to you is to level with your mother. Be kind, but tell her that she has been very hurtful to someone you love dearly, your wife, your chosen life mate, and she is hurting you when she is unkind to your wife. While you want to respect your mother always, you want her to respect your decisions as an adult. You may have done this already, as you say she has not said anything else to your faces.
I can tell you, as a mother of a 14 year old son, I look forward to being part of all the big events of his life. I hope I will like and approve of the woman he someday chooses to marry, but there is always a chance I won't. It seems like yesterday he was little and in my arms, now he spends all his time with his friends and doesn't know I exist. Sometimes it is hard to let go.
I know this is a difficult situation, so I wish you luck. God bless your home and your relationships.