I was wondering if this first paragraph seems like its jumping in the middle of a story or if you think it is ok. The entire story is about my freshman year of college.
The day that I moved into the dorms at the University, it was raining. It was always raining on that campus. It seemed almost as if it only rained in that area and only on days when something important was taking place. I dreaded living there, thinking it would rain constantly and I would be forever trapsing about in soggy socks. I never did mind rain or even storms. I just absolutely detested wet socks. After all, wouldn't you always have wrinkly shriveled up prune feet?
2006-07-19 02:10:45 · 23 answers · asked by aerosmithbaby05 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Just some small edits...
The day that I moved into the dorms at the University, it was raining. It was always raining on that campus. It seemed *almost* (kill this, it kinda makes the sentence cluttered) as if it only rained in that area and only on days when something important was taking place. I dreaded living there, thinking it would rain constantly and I would be forever trapsing about in soggy socks. I never did mind rain or even storms. I just absolutely detested wet socks. *After all, wouldn't you always have wrinkly shriveled up prune feet?* (you kind of loose your tone here. you go from painting this picture of a dreary capmus atmosphere to inquiring to the reader. just a little unnecessary.)
I like it. You seem to have a fairly good handle on conveying your emotions towards this place.
2006-07-19 02:20:56 · answer #1 · answered by J Bents 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Each paragraph should have only one topic- yours is the rain. Start a new paragraph with I never did mind rain or even storms. I just absolutely detested wet socks. After all, wouldn't you always have wrinkly shriveled up prune feet?
It's great otherwise.
2006-07-19 09:17:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you looking for a critique? If you are willing to hear my advice read on: " It had been pouring rain and I was anxious to get my belongings moved into my dorm room. The thought of trapsing around in soggy socks with shrieveling feet made me hurry along even more".
The reason: you want to quickly tell your reader in as few lines as possible the descriptive way in which you moved, but without being overly descriptive.
2006-07-19 11:33:29 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd like more detail-a verbal picture of the school and campus and location. Otherwise it's very good. Many stories begin later in time and work backwards to explain the present. BTW you spelled traipsing wrong and university isn't capitalized.
2006-07-19 09:16:52 · answer #4 · answered by da maestro 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's a contest for bad opening paragraphs and this one should be nominated. "Trapsing" about? The rain is boring and the last sentence is positively ludicrous.
2006-07-19 09:15:29 · answer #5 · answered by notyou311 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lot of talk about rain. To much, especially since you didn't even "mind" the rain.
2006-07-19 09:16:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Too much mention of rain. You could condense that paragraph and say the same thing. Good for you that you are writing! :)
2006-07-19 09:20:37 · answer #7 · answered by greenfrogs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a great opening for a story!
However, I would fix the tendency to use little choppy sentences; learn how and when to use a semi-colon for better flow.
2006-07-19 09:15:05 · answer #8 · answered by Christin K 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would note where the college is in this paragraph and make sure you launch right into the story after this paragraph. I like it!
2006-07-19 12:22:29 · answer #9 · answered by Ella S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds really good. I'd like to hear the rest of the story.
2006-07-19 09:21:50 · answer #10 · answered by mmw108 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋