Am I to blame?

Question

I found out last year that my wife had an affair. It was a combination of me snooping and investigating and friends who told me what she was doing. When I found out I slapped her on the leg out of anger. I had suspected she was cheating but I trusted her when she said she wasn't. The past year I hoped that we could begin building trust. I love my wife very much and we have two very beautiful children. I am currently deployed to Iraq, and I have begun to suspect that she's cheating again. This time I have been investigating much harder, hacking her e-mail, listening to her voicemail, and when I confront her with things she lies to me. I have hard evidence that I am confronting her with and she still lies to me. She blames me for not respecting her privacy, and threatening her friends. I think she is just trying to blame me for her behavior. I'm calling her on the things she's doing wrong trying to keep our family together. SO I pose the question am I wrong?

Also It is my belief that when you are in a marriage, you don't keep secrets from each other. I started suspecting my wife when a friend told me that they saw her at a barracks when she was supposed to be at work. After that I started looking. I didn't just up and one day start accusing her of stuff. I was told by a good friend. She lied and said she was at work. I am in Iraq, alone, away from my family and it is completely screwed up that I have to deal with this crap instead of performing my duties.

So I now have this question.
Ladies if you had a nice sized two story house, a car that was less than four years old, a husband who thought the world of you, and two children. Would you screw that up for a piece of a$$ ?

Answer 1

No. Absolutley not.

Answer 2

My heart goes out to you, the stress you are under must be killing you. There are some people, men and women, both that just can't be faithful, it's just not important to them. Being in the military, you have morals you live by. Honor and respect play major roles in your life. Some people just do what why want, and to hell with the conquences. We don't do that, when we marry, we marry forever. We love them, and only them. There is so mental illness that address issues like sex addiction. I am not saying your wife has any of those, she just might not care. It is sad that she doesn't seem to care. She has alot more to loose than a house and car. What about the children? You could be a single father raising those beautiful children. I don't like divorce, that's why I am going to suggest counseling. You ask her to go, and get some help, or you have no choice but to ask her to leave. Being station in Iraq, you may have to suffer through this till you are back in the states. I pray that she realizes what she has to lose, and seek some help with her problems. She is going to loose a very loving husband, and possibly her children, and for someone like you to take her back after all this, is something so rare, and there is plently of woman, who would cherish you and be so faithful, and even thankful to have you in their lives. If things don't change, or she doesn't want to change, take your children and find someone who will love you and honor you as much as you deserve. Focus all this energy that you are having to use to deal with on someone who is worth it. I just so sorry that this is happening to you, people don't realize, that the men and women that are keeping us safe, have personal lives too. I hope you can find an answer or recieve some good advice here. and thank you for protecting us here at home. God bless...

Answer 3

Hey man, You didn't do anything and You have giving everything you giving her... you had beautiful children. I think that you should do is when you get back home and use that hard evidence... when you do make sure you get full custody of that children and then get the lawyer show him this and that you are done and I want her to pay the child support... when that happen then she screw and she will be paying child support for long time and you put your children first.

you don't need to or try to fix the marriage. Once cheating is too many... You didn't do anything wrong, she should of trust you and and tell you how she feels and stuff but she didn't and she made that choice to cheat on you and lie to you and still do.

I want to thank you for what you did for our country, I wish I can go and help! but I am deaf and Can't talk theyw ould not let me. But hang in there buddy. I hope you doing ok. think postive.

Answer 4

You cannot prevent someone from cheating on you by spying on them. If that is something they want to do then they will. Consider doing something more useful like going to marriage counseling. Sometimes you will find out things about yourself that will make a big difference in your relationship and where you want it to go. You might find it is best to let her go rather than keeping a disfunctional family together; this might not be best for you or your children. You might find that she is willing to change after hearing the prospective of another person, but if she doesn't change then don't continue to make yourself unhappy because going to Iraq is difficult enough. Keep your mind focus on the task at hand for now which is Iraq, and when you get home try counseling but don't let her continue to do this. Sometime what is best for your family is a happy family and maybe you can find happiness with someone else that is willing to respect you, your family and your marriage. Good luck.

Answer 5

No way are you wrong. You deserve to know the truth. The children deserve better. Not saying that she is a bad mother, but if the two of you can not be loving and trustworthy with each other, then your children will not learn to find those qualities in their spouses as they grow up. Trust is too important a key part of a marriage to have it wasted. Good luck.

Answer 6

I feel very bad for you and I'm sorry that you are so far from home and trying to keep your family together.
First of all if you know that she is going out on you then you need to just let her go.
Hard to do I know, but If she keeps doing this to you its not fair to you or your kids.
It sounds to me that she wants a different life then the one she has now.
Their should be no secrets between you and her. You cant make someone feel the way you do. It will hurt like holy hell and you'll always ask yourself why but that will subside and you will find someone who will love you and want to grow old with you.
May peace be with you!

Answer 7

No, you are not wrong. You should leave, or better yet have her leave. Apparently she has many other suitors she can live with.
I know it is easy for all of us to say. In the long run you will be happy that this marriage ended. If you allow this marriage to con't you will whipped...meaning that you confidence level will drop and you personally will feel like you have no self worth. Do not allow that to happen. It takes a long time to get that back. You need to be strong and supportive for your children. They are the most important.
I wish you the very best!!

Answer 8

Love should not be a chore. Yes there is work to be put in but as a labor of love. Not to make sure she is being faithful. You both have to decide if it's worth saving and seek counseling. If not then end it. It will be more painful to prolong it and you will develop a mistrust that will carry on to future relationships. And no it's not your fault that she cheats. That is not the way to live. Hopefully she will work her issues out and you will find peace within yourself. Good luck.

Answer 9

Relationships are built on trust. You didn't destroy it, she did. It's only natural for you to have these feelings. If you have the proof she is doing it again, maybe it's time to move on. I hate to say it, but sometimes losing something can make people see what they had. However, you definitely need to make sure she doesn't keep the children if she is going to fool around. Make her visit them and go without the family because you shouldn't have to. What kind of wife would cheat on her husband while he's off to war... wow...... no offence but wow. You could die and all she cares about is getting her freak on.... sad.

Answer 10

No, if you have hard evidence that she is cheating and you KNOW she's done it before.... Walk away. IF SHE'S NOT WILLING TO TRY YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR THE BOTH OF YOU -Believe me - i know.

Maybe it' is wrong to hack and all (it is illegal isn't it?? lol) but at the end of the day - you were right, so sort it out and get YOUR life on track again.

Best Wishes to you in Iraq, be careful!

Come home soon!

D*

Answer 11

you are not wrong if you did not start the suspicions. your mutual friends told you first. you just investigated it. please do not blame yourself. she is the one cheating. you are serving your country and she is taking advantage of you being gone. When I was in the Air Force, my (now) ex-husband did the same to me. It is very common in military families unfortunately.
you need to make a big decision about your life, and it is not easy when you are deployed. You have alot to think about, but you being wrong is not one of them. You need to make sure she is not giving you any STD's think about that on top of your relationship. When you get home, talk to her about it. I don't see any point in it when you are on the other side of the world. it will only make it harder on you over there.

Blessed Be.