Should I forgive my husband?

Question

My husband and I had the perfect marriage for 15 years. He went to Iraq and began an affair with a woman. When he had R&R, he went to visit her in Germany and then came home to the US. He confessed when he was home and wanted to work it out with me.

This affair has gone on for over a year and both are in the States now. He has tried ending things with her, but they always manage to find a way back to one another.

My husband says that he regrets what he did and I forgave him because he was in Iraq. I see a lost, confused person and I don't want to abandon him when he is in such a fragile state of mind. Plus, I don't want to give up on my family. When he left before, our daughter tried cut her wrists. He tried to end it with the woman, but she manipulated him to stay.

My husband said that he wouldn't have started with her if they met in the States. He says he doesn't have feelings for her and doesn't love her. He always comes back to me and things seem normal.

Answer 1

How could he have let her manipulate him? I think he's not telling you the whole truth. Because he can only be manipulated with information that you don't know.
So he was in Iraq. You were left behind with a family to care for. He's not the only hero. You are too and your feelings are just as important in this situation. I can't believe you let him continue to manipulate you with his lies. And you are giving him way too much credit. It's like you're defending and giving him a reason to cheat. But he cheated and that's a big thing. You can't keep up this ruse just because of your daughter's attempted suicide. You all need counselling as soon as possible. You also need to realize that he is telling you whatever he can to stay out of deep trouble with you (basically what you want to hear). And that includes the lie of not loving this other woman.
Think about it, if he loved you entirely, he couldn't have room for another woman in his life. But he broke his vows and you need to take control of the situation cause right now it's controlling you.

Answer 2

You use the word always an awful lot. If it had been once or even twice, I would have said of course forgive him. Now she has followed him. If he really wanted to stay away from her he would do so. It seems as if he wants the best of both worlds. I have a feeling it does not take much "manipulating" to keep him - he sounds quite willing to be there - after all he is the one going to her. Your daughter needs counseling, regardless of if he stays or goes. She is beyond the normal reaction to a father having an affair, cutting wrists is something you have to face and get help with. Do not forgive or not based on what your daughter may or may not do! How do YOU feel about this? Do you think it will continue? Most likely it will. They are connected and it shows no sign of stopping. You don't know what he might be saying to her about his family when he is with her - he may be telling her that he tried to leave you but that you manipulated him into staying with you as well. He could be saying to her that he does not have feelings for you and does not love you. This behavior is not isolated with soldiers returning from war - it is the way that most men act when they are cheating, regardless if they have ever served or not - classic case of a cheater. His fragile state of mind regarding Iraq has NOTHING to do with what he is doing with a woman from Germany. If he needs help with his emotional state, the military does have programs to deal with what happens when soldiers return and get flashbacks. I would not trust the guy, sorry.

Answer 3

So I take it that she is also in the Army. First I find it very hard to believe that he met her in Iraq and then she was in Germany. More likely she was in the U.S. and she went to Iraq and they went to Germany together on R&R. Also how did she end up were he is if she was not their before? And you siad it was for a year. Even if he was gone for a year, most soldiers only spend 6-9 months in Iraq, the rest of the time is deployment and re-deployment, so that means he met her before he went to Iraq. As a former soldier in the military, I hate it when other soldiers use war as a reason to justify a relationship. I was in for 14 years, went to war 3 times, and never had a relationship because of it. The fact is that if someone does it is cause that is what they want, or they are not happy in the marriage. War does a lot of things, but it does not make you lust somsone other then your spouse. And if he really loved you, there would be no way that she could manipulate him after he was back. A one time things maybe, but to keep going back means that he has already left. He maybe trying to make it work cause of what happened to your daughter, but you have to know taking him back could make it even worse. The trust will be gone and she will feel that more. Get her and yourself some help. Also if you have slept with him since he has been back, get checked.

Answer 4

Forgiveness is the best thing for your own heart.
Dealing with the situation is another matter.

Speaking from experience (sadly) affairs are difficult to get through, and I am sure they are harder when you have the trauma of war added to it. But honesty..... there are soldiers who go over there and don't have affairs at all, and there are those who have affairs and when they return to the states they end.

Usually there is something else going on. I would believe him that he is not in love with her, and he doesn't have feelings for her. Men use physical contact to work things out, he may have some things he is dealing with from Iraq (or where ever) that he does not know how to deal with. Perhaps he does not want to associate them with you. But regardless of the reason, if your family is to stay together he needs to stop.

You should as a couple seeks counseling, but if not that he at least should seek counseling (if for no other reason to find out why he can't say no to her!).

Honestly unless she has had as kid by him or she has something to blackmail him with regarding the Army I can not see any VALID reason she can manipulate him to stay.

If he is serious about wanting to break it off, there is always the Watchdog. Set a specific amount of time for "check in" say once an hour, than you two call each other. Sounds silly but set curfews.. but work it out together.

By all means tell him how you feel. Tell him it hurts, and you love him and you want to stand with him, and understand and help...but also let him know you DO NOT deserve to be treated badly.

If you let this slip until he is able to "work it out for himself" he will do it again, and next time he will not have a war for a reason. Be kind to him, love him, but be stern.

You and your kids should be your main concern.

Oh and perhaps you should have your daughter talk to someone outside the family regarding what is going on inside her, mostly like ly her "cry for help" has some other underlying issues that the situation with her father ignited.

Good luck and may God bless

Answer 5

Marriage is an institution of trust and it has been broken. If you do forgive him- it'll probably be a long time for now. I suggest that you and your family seek counseling-especially for your daughter's sake. But don't salvage the marriage just because of your daughter- do it because you want to. Decide what is going to be best for you and your daughter. He's already written himself out of the picture for a happy family. Maybe in the future he will change but it sounds like this affair needs to cool before he'll start thinking with the right head or even his heart. Things may seem normal but they aren't. Your marriage can be saved but only if everyone puts forth a FULL effort. Good luck.

Answer 6

I hate to see any marriage end in divorce. Yet, you say he "keeps coming back to me", that tells me that there is something not right going on.
Seek counseling. You need to have him step up and "be a man." If he doesn't have feelings for this woman then drop it. The affair in Iraq is forgivable (maybe) but not unforgettable. And him going back to her here in the States stinks of deception and who knows what else.
No one can be "manipulated" who doesn't want to be manipulated. Tell your husband you want to work this out and you both need to get some marriage counseling.
First things first though! He must "Ditch the Witch," YESTERDAY! And don't look back.!!

Answer 7

How can your husband endure a relationship with a woman he "doesn't have feeling for" for over a year? That sounds rather fishy to me. If he wants to have no further relations with this woman, he needs to make it official, cold, and clean-cut.

Wartime does bizarre things to relationships. It's well near impossible for anyone to fully understand what goes a soldier goes through, both physically and mentally. I wager many more wives have been cheated on, without their husbands confessing. The fact that your husband confessed and said that he wants to work things out with you at least implies that he feels contrite about his actions.

Try to work things out with the husband, but make absolutely clear that you do not want a third party in your marriage. The dissolution of his relationship with the other woman should be an absolute condition of your reconciliation.

Answer 8

I think if both of you still love each other and willing to work things out to save your family and marriage, then give it a try. But first, you have to ask yourself (i mean really ask) if you can live with the fact that he cheated on you. I have seen a lot of marriages like yours. They go through tough situations, sometimes more tougher than yours, some still made it and ended up being together. The answer lies in you. You just need to realize it.

Answer 9

He needs to get counseling for himself, and also counseling for the both of you. If he states that he will continue to see another woman, tell him to leave the house. You should not put up with that, and neither should your children. If he agrees to have NO FURTHER contact with the woman, and you want to work on your marriage, then definitely go still to counseling. If he is religious and has a minister, go see him also. Your daughter also needs to see her own therapist, and her school needs to be informed of the situation so they can keep an eye on her. Monitor her frequently, talk to her friends to keep an eye on her, also her friends parents.
To live in an environment of instability and uncertainty is robbing you all of a healthy and satisfying life. He should make the decision, and you should then make yours.

Answer 10

It sounds complicated, but keep it simple. Decide whether you want his cheating behind back. It doesn't matter how the other woman manipulated your man into staying. The fact is he chose to stay when he was going to end it. Who does he want and do you trust him? My husband has gone to combat 3 times in the Middle East, so yes, I do understand you should take that into consideration. He doesn't sound very trustworthy. Kick his butt to the curb if he can't be your husband and not some others chick's boyfriend.