lol wut do 2 think of my poem lolz plz b honist?

Question

he lied there drench in sweat
oh no oh no, he thought, im dead
as his bleeding heart was ripped out of his soul by the cruel grappling hook of society and thrown in the toilet bowl of life

he glanced up at the clock
oh no oh no, he though, im late
as his eyes were covered in salt as the fascist corporate vultures dived in and taked his paycheck

he ate a taco
oh no oh no, he though, im a monkey
as someone flushed the toilet bowl of life

Answer 1

wow.... wonderful! absolutely amazing!

Answer 2

Well, you have an idea--someone who is without power in his own life and who is being victimized by those who do have power over him.

However, despite the toilet bowl, there is a great lack of continuity of thought in the poem.
Pick one image--don't over-dramatize it (which you have),
and work at getting the idea across without actually saying it.

You do not show a strong sense of understanding as to what poetry is. What elements of poetry do you think you have in this bit of writing?

Although schools seem to encourage non-poetic poetry these days, the fact is, this would more easily write as prose, and even then, it lacks continuity.

I want to suggest that you spend some time reading some really good poets. Get a feel for what poetry is. Read really good poets--get your librarian to help you there. When you find someone you really like, delve into his/her work.

Work on elements of poetry--metaphor, simile, meter, rhyme,
rhythm. This shows none of those except for your toilet bowl of life metaphor.

Ask yourself why you are writing poetry. A good poet doesn't write just to vent his spleen. Even if he has strong, negative feelings, he knows how to make the thought universal.

When his Dad was dying Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage, against the dying of the light." You have a lot of work ahead of you if you seriously want to explore putting our thoughts into poetic form.

Answer 3

alright, i've respectfully responded to ur other two poetic posts....but THIS is ridiculous! It's disrespectful to approach this kind of commendable theme and not apply ur obvious writing skills (which I acclaimed previously) to getting ur point across...instead, it's like you've succumbed to all of this people and their need for silliness rather than be a true POET!! very disappointing, because even though I realistically know nothing about you, I still thought I read the words of someone who was better than that in your other poems...oh well, whether you learn anything from this or not, i guess I've learned MY lesson!

Answer 4

It is crazy and makes no sense and you used the wrong form of a some of the words or need to spell check.

Answer 5

it would sound better if you wrote.....

lying there in his sweat
he thought im dead
his heart was hooked
thrown in the bowl

he glanced up
and thought was late
he ate a taco
and went on a date.

Answer 6

Lol, I like how you liken life to being a toliet bowl, great insight.

Answer 7

Either you are drunk, kidding, or casing people for answers. Now for what I think of the poem. It is rather hilarious.

Answer 8

Reminds me of the Unabomber - only he had spell check.

Answer 9

u shouldnt post questions like dat cause ppl are mean

but anwyz
thnxz fer da two puntos!!!

Answer 10

It's ... different. Lots of symbolism. Just tweak it a bit! : )

Answer 11

uuhh.....uummmm......uuhhh....eerrrrrr.....hhhmmm......uuuummmm......wel...interesting......for one thing......u need to ue spell check....and next.....look at the tenses on your words.......it sounds like your jus trying to put youtr feelings out in the open.....but if I were you.....I would try to use synonyms instead of the actual words/names.........