How do u deal w/a mother who does not like a person u r with, is neagitve and does not give it a chance?

Question

just got out of a four year realtionship, and the breakup was partly due to my ex coming back in the picture. He helped me through the break up and now we are together. He just came here to visit me and we had a great time. My mother dislikes any guy that I am with hence why I have not told her about the new realtionship. When I mentioned today that I got an e-mail from the ex (current bf) and I put a positive spin to it "hey, I got an e-mail from Fred today! It was crazy but cool. We talked all day via e-mail.", her response was "WELL, i hope you deleted that e-mail and didn't respond. You don't need that. He isn't in town is he....???" All of this followed by a disconteded sigh. I told her to forget it, I am sorry I told her and that I would talk to her later. I hung up. If she could see how happy I am (I haven't been happy in 4 years) or even fake being nice ("oh really? that's nice. What is he up to?"), i could see telling her more of the story, but not now. HELP!

Here is some more info: the ex (current bf) and I were not in good places in our lives the first time we dated but we have had 6 years apart and we are a lot better and we have our stuff together (our jobs, our cars, our responsiblites). We have also matured a lot. I am now 27 and he is 31. We both live on our own. Why can his mom be happy for us, but not mine?

Answer 1

That is a tough question with no easy answers, There are many ways to approach this issue as you will see with the variety of responses that you will receive.
I would suggest a face to face (if possible) question and answer session with your mother about "Fred".
You MUST find out her reasons for not liking Fred, She may well have good reasons for her dislikes of him that she is reluctant to share with you because she feels it may hurt your feelings, If that is the case you have to be prepared to hear information that will indeed hurt your feelings, But you must insist that she be honest and complete in her reasoning.
If her reasons are that she believes that he is not good for you or that you can do better, That is not her decision to make and you MUST be prepared to tell her that even if it may hurt her feelings.
It is always difficult when talking with parents because in their mind you are still the little girl who needs protection from the evil world.
If your mother does not have a justifiable reason for her dislikes of Fred, Then you have to make it perfectly clear in no uncertain terms that Fred is now a part of who you are, And that if she can't accept ALL OF YOU then she can no longer be a part of who you have become.

Answer 2

First, it's a good idea to take a look at why your mother doesn't like this guy? Or any guy? Are you picking men who actually treat you well? Are you choosing men who have goals and are attaining them, who know how to honor their girlfriend, who are available and treat you right? Or are choosing men who don't work/got o school or have goals which they are striving toward, don't put you first and treat you poorly. I wonder why you were in a miserable relationship for four years? Why so long? Once you were miserable why didn't you get out of the relationship? I am asking these blunt questions because of my own life experiences with both realtionships and my mother. As for the relationships, I urge you to take a really good look at the past ones and the current one. An honest look.
Having said all that... is your mother unually controlling and critical. Can you trust her. Can you bear your soul to her without fear of her reaction or retaliation? I could not tell whether you were living with your mother or not and I cannot tell how old you are. It is difficult for a mother to let her daughter go and make her own mistakes. However, if you are out of the house, then it is not her job any more to tell you what to do or how to live your life. While she wants to protect you, the truth is, you will do what you want to without or with her approval. Maybe you need to stand up to her a little and let her know that you don't need her approval. And then stop seeking it. If your mother has behaved this way with all your boyfriends, then I suggest that you forget about expecting her to react in any other way than disapprovingly and stop hoping for approval. I mean really let it go. Then decide what your boundaries are. Is it OK that she gives you that all too telling sigh of disapproval and then lauches into her opinion? IF not, then let her know. And let her know every single time. "You know mom, I don't appreciate the way that you communicate your disapproval of me and my boyfriend. And I don't think it's really your job anymore to approve or diapprove. It's none of your business."
I hope some of that has helped. Letting go of wanting our parent's approval is a huge step in maturity. Recognising that they are who they are and probably will never change helps us to move forward from expecting something different from them. And then insisting that our family members recognise and respect our boundaries...honors ourselves.
Good luck. I might recommend a book called "Codependent No More" in which you might recognise some unhealthy patterns with both your mother and with relationships and find solutions to those problems.
Good luck to you!

Answer 3

hey i know exactly what your going through, my mom is exactly the same way bout my girlfriend. she hates the fact that im dating her and i told her if she would just meet her or her parents that she would change her mind but she says she doesnt wanna do it, shes not fair. i think that if your happy with your bf and she cant except that then i say forget bout what she thinks, i mean its your life and you should get to pick who your with, just be sure to pick one thats respectable, loving and caring, and pays attention to your needs. good luck with your mom and hope you find happiness with your bf

Answer 4

Ignore her. If she will act up and cause you problems..simply leave her alone. Don't tell her anything, if she asks just say something like 'I have nothing to say to you'.

don't be afraid to cut her out of your life, if you have to(she is the one acting like a child). Make it simple...she is to treat you and him with respect and say nothing negative. If she can't do that, then simply don't be around her at all.

Answer 5

yea, it sux that you can't share that particular part of your life with your mum, but it's your life. doesen't matter if she likes him or not. may wanna let her know what's going on and blow-off any negative comments that she has. maybe once she comes to see how much happier you are, she'll keep her opinions of your b/f to herself and just be happy that you're happy!! moms-u gotta love 'em!