What do you think of my poem?

Question

Beaches

I lay on the gritty sand
Watching the orange sun dive in the ocean waters
The rays of the sun disperses into the water like splatted paint

I watch the waves run to the shore
They're trying to catch the seashells but they trip on their path
And wash back into the ocean

The water jumps on and off the terrain
indecisive in it's destiny
Throwing disfigured pebbles and lost shells ashore

On the beaches I lay
Feeling united with the sea
Feeling secure and adored as if I were in love

The waters sing and whisper to me softly
Saying my name forever
The waves touch me washing sand and earth of my body
And I lay there on the beaches

Answer 1

not bad for a rookie

Answer 2

It is very pretty. Don't pay mind to the people above me who want to make you feel bad. You are obviously a new writer, and this is a great poem considering your experience. However, it is a bit typical, I suggest using more similes to show that the beach makes you think. Another issue is that the last stanza is the only one with 4 lines. This can be an issue. For some reason I don't like the word disperses in the 3 line. Read it aloud. Do you notice it doesn't flow? There are many good things too. It shows you have passion, which is VERY important for a writer. It shows you can describe well, and it makes you think. Good luck in your endeavors, you have inspired me to write a poem about the young not knowing what to do with themselves! God bless!

Answer 3

Very pretty! It gives a good mental picture, which I think is very important in poetry.
In the first stanza, I would maybe substitute the word "splatted" with something else. It's a bit jarring, but if that is the way you'd like it to come across, by all means keep it; it's your poem.

Also, watch out for tense changes. For example, you started out in past tense. The second and third stanzas are in present, fourth in past, and the final in present. So, decide which tense you think works better and stick with it. Personally, I think present tense works better, but again, this is your poem. Do what you want with it.

Great job though! Keep up the writing. You can only improve from here!

Answer 4

You have talent. I would hope that you follow your muse throughout your life and record, in verse, those acquired sensibilities & moods & aesthetics & attributes & essenses, etc. Your collection of works can even act as a mainstay in a time when you need some self-reaffirmation. Stay with your craft & continue to develop it. Above all else, learn to enjoy & appreciate the journey. I leave you with a short adage by Robert Frost: "Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom. Have a meaningful life...

Answer 5

The theme itself is a cliche. The language used to express the theme are also cliches. I have seen poems like this and about this like 100 times before. A typical 'blog' piece of writing, nothing more.

Answer 6

Your poem is very in depth and has alot of feeling and emotion with it. On a scale of 1-10 i say its a 10 definitely.

Answer 7

I love it. And not every poem has to rhyme. You wrote what you thought about, and it came out very eloquently, I must say! If only I knew how to write like this...

Answer 8

its scattered around with no real point. fif you analyze it you wont be able to understand the hidden message or creativity. you have some nice imagery, but it becomes distracted with no rhyme scheme. rhyming sounds childish, but really is spruces up the poem

Answer 9

Good poem. It show lot meaning about the beach and it energy.

Answer 10

I think its terrific. you have quite a talent. you should enter a contest. and please don't take this the wrong way but I think if you added a couple rymes in there it would seem more catchy.

Here is my motto for you, Dream as if you'll live forever live as if you'll die today.
PS I wish I could think of poems the way you do.

Answer 11

I love it, I live a mile from the ocean and this is what happens, thank you