Before we dated he made a sex tape with some girl, and then he showed it to a friend of mine. He's lied about it for years, but finally admitted it recently. The problem is, I can't seem to forgive/forget about it, and I can't open up to him sexually, either. Every time I think of doing anything slightly kinky with him, I think of the video and I shut down completely. I know the past should stay in the past, but if you've ever even met a woman you know that's not possible. What do you suggest I do?
2006-07-18 07:47:42 · 12 answers · asked by Kristina S 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You need to find out what it is that you need inside your heart to forgive him and realize that it is the past. I think what makes it so hard is that he held it from you for so long. Figure out what you need, then talk with him about it to finally close that chapter of your lives.
As humans, we can't get hung up on what our significant others have done in their past just because we don't want them picking apart what we have done in our lives. If you've done something that he doesn't like that might stick with him just as much as that tape is sticking with you.
Though having the tape, then showing it to your friend, and THEN lying about it isn't exactly good on his part either. He needs to understand that while everyone can have their privacy and little, self- preserving secrets, real secrets, and lies are NOT going to work in your marriage.
Use this talk as closure on this subject for the both of you. It needs to be resolved before you get married. But don't drag it out. It will just get too convoluted and won't make any sense any more, and could do more harm than good.
Good Luck!
2006-07-18 08:23:08 · answer #1 · answered by Chiky 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the problem is that you are going to marry someone that you don't trust, and can't be yourself with. That's the real problem ... not some sex tape that he made years ago.
Edited to add: I agree with what others are saying, but I still don't think that the big issue is really with the tape. Deep down, there's a trust issue there that may have started with the tape, or it may have started sooner. I was engaged once before, and I never realized that I couldn't really trust him until after we broke up ... We broke up because he cheated on me. Guess I should have seen it, but I didn't. At any rate, what I'm trying to say is that if you can't be kinky with him because you don't trust that he doesn't have a video camera somewhere, why marry him? By the way, did the actress in this video know it was taped or not? If she didn't, well, I think you know where I'm going with that. If she did know about it, what makes you think that he'll have a video recorder hidden somewhere? The others are right in that you shouldn't judge him just on this, but is there something else going on too? Normally, if I get so mad about something that "rationally" shouldn't be a big deal, it's really something else that's pissing me off ...
2006-07-18 14:50:53 · answer #2 · answered by Aussie Mommy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U cannot weight on his past.. beside u are getting marry soon ..so why are u like this becz of the video .. what if u never knew abot this video after u got married .. what is the difference ...?? Sorry you got a wrong guy for love and u feel bothered abt this .. the choice is stay or leave ... u decide.... if hes a good guy in everything then what seems to be the problem ... why waste ur enegry on this video he made years ago before he had you ... is there a time machine for u to go back to his time then enjoy your happiness..?? Get real and accpet the facts that u are going through ... CHANGE UR MIND AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE when dont like it
2006-07-18 14:52:52 · answer #3 · answered by sunnya4life 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's human nature that you're dealing with, plus your own mixed feelings. Having someone you're close to lie about something important, such as denying a sex tape made with another woman, sets off doubts galore! Part of what you deal with is jealous feelings. Try to ask yourself "why am I feeling like this?"
Talk with someone you TRUST about these mixed emotions or simply say it out loud to yourself in private. If you cannot get past that past, then re-examine why you wanted to be with this guy in the first place. Best of luck.
2006-07-18 14:57:34 · answer #4 · answered by Kitsune 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have the same problem I get jelous over things my boyfriend did long before he met me and it makes me feel insecure doing some things with him because it would be my first time but not his. When you chose to be with him you chose to take every part of him, your are holding yourself back in bed and you could possibly loose him over this. If you cant feel comfortable with him he cant feel comfortable with you, that is probably why he lied about it for so long because he knew the type of reaction he was going to get from you. I say if you love him and you dont want to loose him let it go, Believe me I know its hard it creeps up in your mind when you least expect it and it tortures you but what I do is everytime it creeps into my head I say he loves me and noone else and I think about everything I did before we got together that he could be uncomfortable with but isant. Best of luck hun, I know what your going through.
2006-07-18 14:57:13 · answer #5 · answered by nynerprincess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make a video with him make it nice and kinky and that way you will think about that video instead of the other one.
2006-07-18 14:51:06 · answer #6 · answered by ready4it45 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should tell him how you feel and if he should give you some time to think it all through. I wouldn't leave him for that. Everyone does stupid things. It just takes time to cope with it.
Hope everything works out for you
2006-07-18 14:52:36 · answer #7 · answered by Jackie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Either change your pattern with him, and realize the tape was nothing, or dump him.
2006-07-18 14:51:33 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to get over it, it was before your time, do something even kinkier if you want him to forget about the tape.
2006-07-18 14:51:46 · answer #9 · answered by AssMan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You probably should suggest that he destroy the tape
Or make one with you that's better
2006-07-18 14:51:17 · answer #10 · answered by drsteve362005 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋