I need some SERIOUS advice? I have been married for 15 years. My husband has had 2 affairs.?

Question

This last one, he had tried to blame on me. That i havent been attentive enough and so on. So we have been separated for 9 months. I have filed for divorce. He moved back in for 6 weeks and he did not contribute emotionally to the relationship so i asked him to leave. He says he wants nothing to do with me and its over. We have two teenage kids. I still love him for some reason. I hate divorce and what it does to families and i want to to work things out for my family's sake. What can i do to get him to see this is a terrible tragedy. He first said he would got to counseling, now he is 100% against any reconciliation. He initiated this whole mess by not communicating with me and going outside our marriage. Any advice??

Answer 1

I too feel that people cheat bc they feel that there is something lacking in the relationship at home. However, you deserve to be happy and the children are teenagers they will understand more than you think, Yes it will be hard, but it is even harder to stay somewhere where you are not happy and feel all alone. The kids will grow up and leave the nest one day and what will you do when they are gone and you are all alone with your miserable hubby???? Everyone is afraid of the unknown, but we at times MUST put our best foot forward, and god will never give you more than you can handle, even if it does not seem so at the time. Time heals all wounds.. Do it for yourself....

Answer 2

I don't think he was ever really ready to be married. Only you know the conditions under which this marriage was consecrated. Also if you know about two affairs, there have been over 10. 15yrs is a long time for him to be so unemotional and have only 2 affairs. Also, do you feel you contributed to his seeing other women at all? Don't live in denial or purely blame others. It's always two (2) people's fault if you ask me. We got your side of it. What's his? Divorce unfortunately, seems to be inevitable in this situation. Your kids being teens will understand. You just have to learn to move on. Besides divorce can show you a new way of life and a new love. Don't be afraid to let go.

Answer 3

Well let me first say that I am sorry but you do need to know that it takes more than one person to ruin a marriage. Happily married men and women rarely cheat. I am not condoning his behavior but you do need to realize that if he was getting what he needed at home he would have no reason to go to someone else. Don't sit there and play the victim. You said he didn't "contribute emotionally" to the relationship well my best guess is you probably weren't contributing physically to the relationship. Its easy to fall in to a routine when you have been together for as long as you have however men are physical creatures and if they aren't getting the physical attention they need from you then its not hard to believe that they would get it from someone new who is showing them attention. Sounds like he tried to give it a shot but figured out that nothing had changed probably because you are blaming everything on him and not accepting any responsibility for your part in the problems. Again I am by no means taking his side and blaming you for everything I just want you to take a long hard look at how you treated him during the times leading up to the infidelity. If you really are serious about making your marriage work then you need to sit him down and tell him that you are very hurt by what he did but you do realize that you could have done some things different as well. You may have a shot of getting him to go to counceling if you let him know that when he gets there its not going to be one big attack on him and that you are willing to accept some of the responsibilty for your problems. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Sounds like the decision has already been made. If you filed for a divorce and he wants a divorce, then there's not a whole lot you can do. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind.

If he's had two affairs - doesn't 'contribute emotionally' - wants nothing to do with you and is not willing to reconcile, my question is why would you want to be with him? I know you love him but unrequited love is futile. The sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you can begin to heal and move on with your life.

It will be tough on the kids but I am certain it is tougher on the kids to see you unhappy. Try to work out an amicable agreement, with a stiff upper lip, as soon as you can. It WILL hurt but you WILL also heal.

...I am also waaaaay better at giving advice than following my own advice...I know it's not easy!!! Hang in there!

Answer 5

Wow--bad break. Sorry. Of course you still love him--it would be weird if you didn't. But it takes more than love to make a relationship and he has made it perfectly clear that he will not hold up his end of the relationship. I'm happily married now, but I went through a divorce and it was the worst experience of my life. Still, it was the right thing to do. You cannot make him see anything he is not willing to see for himself. Leaving a wife who has stuck with him through really bad times is a huge mistake, but he has to see that for himself. Think about it--if he could see that, would he have done any of this? The crazy things people do because they think "it," whatever "it" is, will make them happy is just amazing sometimes.

Sorry, but your marriage is already over. The question now is how to protect your kids as much as possible. Let them see you act in a dignified, thoughtful, and strong manner. It's the best you can do in a bad spot. If you can't show them how to have a good relationship, at least show them how to conduct yourself in the face of adversity.

P.S. Of course you're not to blame for his infidelity. Can't help but think you'll be better off in the long run without him.

Answer 6

Love can make you do some very stupid stuff. Like forgive someone after they have torn your heart to shreds. You are asking for advice, and I am afaird you want a miracle cure for this relationship. And there is none. He wants out, and you are going to have to let him go. I love my husband enough if he told me he wanted somebody else, then I would give him his divorce. I say I love him enough to that, but then I know I don't want to be with me if he doesn't want to be. I am so sorry that you have invested 15 years into this marriage to have it crashing down now, but let this heartbreak give you a new start. A new adventure. You have your kids, and somewhere somebody is looking for you. What your husband is throwing away is somebodys dream come true! Please let him go, he is all ready gone mentally, but let go physically. You can't change his mind, and he seems not to really know what he wants, so you use that energy you are spending on him on yourself. Go get your hair done, buy a new outfit, call some friends and go out and have some fun. It's a whole new ballgame out there. I was married for 26 years,since I was 18, and I am facing new and exciting things everyday. I don't like divorce either, but for my sanity and my children's there was nothing else I could do. I am happy, I am not going to say it was easy, but I am not going to say I haven't wished I had broke that love chain sooner.(like the first time he cheated) Go pick up the phone, and start anew life for yourself...God bless...

Answer 7

Move on with your life. I understand that you want to keep your family together but if he is unwilling you are responsible for hurting your self at that point. It is hard to let go...believe me I know. You have to do what is best for you and your kids. You might think that reconciliation is best for the kids but it isn't when there is already such turmoil and past deviations. He will just continue to hurt you all. If you have a daughter then you are teaching her that it is okay for a man to stomp on her heart and be welcomed back with open arms. If you have a son you are teaching him that he can cheat and be forgiven for it. To me...cheating is the ultimate betrayal and should never be forgiven once let alone twice. Shame on you for even considering taking him back for the SECOND time. You should place more value in your self. You are worth more than he will ever know. One day he will realize what he lost and even then he should be made to regret it for the rest of his life. There is nothing in this world more precious than family and he made the choice to throw his away over hormones. WAKE UP! And NO this is not your fault...men can be it getting at home and getting it good but if the opportunity arises (so to speak) most men will take it and run with it. It is in their nature. It's not about whats better with them...they like different.

Answer 8

It's been 15 yrs of trying.Let him go.I know it hurts and it is way worse to put your kids through back 'n' forth stuff than to say"Mom and Dad love each other,but just have grown apart and it's best this way.We still love you both and will both be here for you,no matter what".Sometimes,things weren't meant to be.HE ruined this marriage but name pointing doesn't make you feel better.You still love him and you will.He was your husband and is the father of your kids.BUT it's not worth the heart break and pain.Go on with life.After time,you will go on and be happy again.Get back in the field,just take your time.You will meet a man that is the same situation and then,you will have your soul mate and he won't be a cheater.You have to believe in love and destiny and this divorce is meant to be.Good luck!DO NOT LET that person tell you that you caused this,cause you didn't.This crap that if he was happy at home,is just that CRAP!!!You are the INNOCENT one in the cheating!!Do NOT blame yourself.

Answer 9

You need to bite the bullet and leave him....the two keys to a happy marriage is communication and trust. Both are gone in this case. You will never be happy again with him, not like you want to be. Divorce is always hard, I have been thru one myself, and I have three children that I raised as a single parent. I didn't think that it would ever get better, but with a little time, I realized I was better off, and now have a new wife and a wonderful wife. (HEY, THAT RHYMES) Good luck.

Answer 10

It's hard to end a marriage after 15 years. I think if he doesn't want to reconcile, then there is no chance for it to work out. You will continue to love him, even after all that he has done to you, but you have to move on with your life now. Be honest with your teens. It's best that you are so they will understand what is going on. After being with someone for 15 years it's hard to think of life without them. I was married for 30 and am now divorced. I hate being divorced and would give anything to be back with my ex, but I was the one that made the mistakes. So I'm the one that lives with the pain and guilt of what I did wrong. I destroyed everything instead of opening my mouth and speaking how I felt about the marriage. I will never forgive myself. But my ex has moved on. I would give anything to go back in time. I hate my life as it is now. I think your husband will come to that point in his life as well. Once he starts thinking about what he did to you and to his children. Once he finds out that life is not greener on the other side. He WILL feel the pain he has caused. It may not come right away, but it will come............. I wish you the best, I'm sorry for you, I really am.