Has anyone managed to go through divorce in a not-too-messy way?

Question

I am aware that separation and divorce belong to the most stressful times in life. People start showing sides of them that are not their best etc.
Has anyone been separating (after many years together and when pre-teens were involved) and has managed that in a civilized way? I am talking situations when there is more than just the bicycle and the stereo to share.
Recipies please. Any advice?
Fyi, in my case, been together 20 years, 2 children (12 + 9), parents do care for each other and have made progress but just seem to have reached some sort of serious dead-end as emotional partners. Wife (me) gave up her work 2 years ago.
Some of my good friends have taken 5 years (triger to end) to do a reasonably amicable split in similar circumstances. Sounds right to you?
Many thanks for your help.
Easy-2-points-earners, do you mind picking another question? Appreciate.

Thanks for all the answers.
I very well understand the comments about "how can you be that bad/selfish and mess up your kids' life?" etc, but, please, there is a need here to respect my/our judgment.
What if I believe that it would not be in my chlildren's long term interest to be given the model of a disfunctional couple? What if I would wish them to be later in a better relationship and that I need to show them the way?
Do I wish my children to live like siblings with their partner for years and years on, and to be unable to communicate all that time? Not really.
Do I wish to teach them to not give up too soon? I do. And I tried 20 years to make my relationship work.
Do I wish them to learn to understand what their needs are and to do all they can to live the life that is right for them? I think I do.
So, I very much understand the concerns some people raise -they are valid- but it is not answering the question I am asking.
Many thanks anyway, I appreciate all comments.

Answer 1

it's always best for the kids to do it in an amicable way! if you both try to remember the kids, then it is possible.
however, my lawyer told me that one or both people/person usually goes "crazy" during a divorce.
good luck...it is possible!

Answer 2

Having been through a painful divorce, with 2 children involved, I would never advise anyone to get divorced.
The problems of life present themselves throughout life and 2 are better than 1 at dealing with them.
To my detriment I found that Love is not all physical and getting what I want but sacrificing my needs for another. This is one of the greatest tests that marriage presents us with 2 selfish individuals coming together and trying to work as one.
If you observe carefully it is usually because of the inability to cope with the behaviour of the partner why people ask to get divorced and think that getting away from the problem will solve it.
There has to be effort from both parties even if it starts with one taking the initiative. Find common ground, avoid blaming each other for what you are going through and look at ways to solve the problems you are encountering.
Accept the problems exist and be honest.
Realise that how you feel is not connected necessarily with your partner but your reaction to what they are saying or doing. Can you put "You" last and put them first regardless how you feel?
LOVING the UNLOVABLE is hard.
If you imagine you are both rowing against each other in a stormy sea that you will get nowhere until you work out the direction to row and row together and even when one is tired the other keeps rowing and never gives up. The stormy seasons come and go.
You have achieved 20 years of marriage if you feel you have not achieved anything, YES YOU BOTH HAVE.
There is no shame in being a Home Maker, it is an honourable profession given little credit.

Answer 3

I've had an amicable divorce with more than just the bicycle to split and my son was 15 at the time.
We went to mediation to obtain information on the law in the state. The mediator drafted a property settlement agreement. I then went and retained a lawyer for the sole purpose of receiving advice as to the legality of certain issues and to do the actual filing. I did not let the lawyer take charge of the negotiations. I gave the lawyer the draft document and had her make the changes as we decided on the various issues. We must have had 10 rewrites of the PSA before we agreed on all issues, esp. how future college payments are to be structured, etc.

It is still tough, but the divorce cost only 10% of what it could have cost, had we become adversaries. We still get along fine and our son didn't suffer. That's where maturity, goodwill and genuine concern for the welfare of the child come in. To do the negotiations, you have to constantly remind yourself to be fair and not selfish. It took one year, not 5, from the time we started until the final court date. There was no trial and all we had to do was show up at court and in a matter of 5 minutes it was all over.

I think that this is the smart way to divorce. You both save your money, there's no fighting involved and you retain control of the process and what happens to your children. The notion to let a judge decide my personal and financial matters was simply not appealing.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Divorce is bs. You married each other and the two of you were to stay together for life. Who ever filed for divorce is a quiter. Unless physical abuse is present. Or there is a third party involved. Don't be a quiter. the children are a part of the family picture. If your kids did things to make you upset would you quit on them too??? If you are not happy do something about it. make your marriage work. One day you can look back and see that your marriage went through a rough time ( could be 5 years ) but 5 years is nothing in a life time. you were happy before. So try and figure out who or what changed. Begin from that point in your marriage. This will only work if both parents can see a bigger picture here. Not looking at their own happiness but the happiness of all concerned. Men are generally self centered. So realize that he is one of those men. Then nurture him into thinking that you are the only woman that he desires for the rest of his life. He also needs to believe that the family unit is all he needs in his life. So both parents need to work together for the sake of the children. If the teo of you deside to quit on the family. Then they will think that divorce is ok.
Our society has made divorce look normal. But we all know that it does more damage to the structure of society. If the two of you are un happy in the marriage then the two of you caused the unhappiness to happen. Figure out why and fix it. Compromise is the key for negotiations.

Answer 5

I was married for 3 years, had a car, house and a kid but we somehow managed to end it quickly and amicably and 6 years later, we are still friends. To be honest, we get along better now than we EVER did when we were married. I think the key to having a "friendly divorce" is keeping the child(ren) first and doing everything you possibly can to keep peace (for their sake). No divorce is easy and pain free, but you can decide that you are going to be adults about it and not do all the ugly name calling and fighting. It's unnecessary and doesn't help anything (although it CAN make you feel better for a while! lol!). I wish you the best of luck and hope that you remember that it WILL get better!

Answer 6

My husband and me were together 13 years (unlucky for some), it was my decision to split, no other party involved just a feeling that it was not right any more, we have been apart for more than a year now and he is still finding it hard, but we just talk, not to the extent of me being a counsellor, but we talk, and then he feels better. I told him it cant go on this way, I have met someone else, he seems to be using his inability to cope as some sort of crutch to get to me, I just still try to be reasonable and tell him that I need to get on with my life, he sees the kids as often as he likes and needs to concentrate on the future rather that dwelling on the past thats what u need to do too maybe. Good luck anyway, you have all my sympathy and understanding. No one should pass judgement on you till they been there themselves and I am there right now and passing jusdgement is the last thing on my mind

Answer 7

It can be civilized and amicable--but only if both husband and wife are willing to act like adults and put their children before their own petty grievances.
I also have to mention that it doesn't matter how amicable this divorce is, the children will be adversely affected by it. Children are extremely conservative beings who like things to stay the same. They see safety and security in that.
If the only reason you are getting a divorce is because you aren't as "emotional" about your husband as you once were then I would give it a second and third thought before I put my kids through this permanently life changing event.

Answer 8

married for 7 years with 3 boys aged 8, 9 and 11. split with their dad in 2002 and divorced in 2003. divorced was due to my rapid progression in work. divorce process was very amicable and we both agreed on each others terms without fights. i see him and the children (as i gave him custody) anytime i like and i have a key to their house. i stay overnight regularly so that my ex can go out to enjoy himself and time off from the children. whatever goes on between the parents, think of the children first!!! they did not ask for this.

Answer 9

My best friend and her hubby got together at school and split after 20 yrs two girls aged 10 and 12 have since both found new partners and five yrs on are still best friends.They did it there way took no notice of what anyone else said and still treat each other with respect.If they have a problem they openly discuss things and work out a solution that suits everyone. I think their secret is trusting each other and ignoring everyone else trying to interfere.the girls are there concern its worked out between them no third parties are allowed and its nice to see people split and still work at their friendship.they have known each other along time and i believe will always be friends.After all they still love each other but are not IN LOVE with each other. I hope this helps

Answer 10

Divorce is amicable only when is no children and properties involved, when material things are involved the lawyers want some of it and play on people emotions. Have you ever try marriage counselling for the sake of the children, the father of your kids will always be in their life and the financial burden is no joke.

Answer 11

I was married 20+ years and have been divorced for 3-4 years now...My divorce process was very smooth...sure their was alot of anger and resentment between us because of the circumstances for the divorce...but we both realized for that to have happened meant our journey together had come to an end...I too have two children, but they were both out of H.S. Originally I had asked her to leave and I would care for the Children at our home..She choose what she wanted from the home and we split our equity and other finances 50/50...however, prior to finalizing such an agreement I mentioned I would be selling the home and moving elsewhere, so we simply switched that part of the agreement.(she wanted to remain in the house)..I agreed and understood, as she had given me the same courtesy, that she would hang on to much of our personal property because she ended up with the house...one child moved out with me and the other stayed in the house with her...divorce papers were signed and finalized..end of story...we took approximately six months to settle things during legal separation and it took another 6 months for paperwork to complete its process through the court system...and by then our marriage was just a memory.