I am trying to decide if I should leave my husband. What do you think?

Question

First of all, he is from a different country, and is 11 years younger than me. He has told me he "how could he love me" and he is always checking out other women right in front of me. When I confronted him, he said "it is time you realize you are not a sexy woman". I am hurt and upset and have put a million walls around me, so our relationship is not good right now. Also, he is mad because he feels I do not trust him, but how can I, he is always distracted by a pretty woman and watches alot of porn. Tonight I asked him for a divorce and he does not want it. The probem is today at work a total stranger looked at my computer and saw me im'ing my friend and e-mailed her thinking it was me and told me he thought I was sexy. I am really flattered and although that might not ever go anywhere it made me feel good and sexy........contrary to what he said about me. What would you do? Leaving him would cause real financial hardship because I have two kids (not his).

Answer 1

Get away from him before he drains what little confidence you have you can do so much better go and get yourself a life

Answer 2

1. Before you even got married that age gap was already there. So you cannot really complain now if he acts his age.
2. How can you scold him for looking? He's a man! If he didn't look, you should be more apprehensive. 'Cause then he might be gay. Be happy he is just looking and not touching.
3. You know he likes looking at sexy women. Once upon a time you must have been sexy or you wouldn't have caught his eye. Maybe you should consider getting back into shape ... if not for him then for yourself.
4. Your reaction to the guy saying you are hot is only natural. You feel unappreciated at home. Good compliments from anyone is bound to make any of us feel good. It doesn't make us unfaithful to appreciate compliments.
5. If you are going to leave him because of the above reasons then you are a fool. Leave him because you don't love him anymore or leave him because he is not a good father. But don't ask for a divorce just because your insecurities are taller than Mt. Everest.

You have to come up with a better reason than that.

Answer 3

If he blatently checks out other women in your presence, even though it wouldn't be right to do even if you wasn't there, and uses porn constantly he is not the person for you. You said that he stated how could he love you and that you are not a sexy woman, well he must have thought of you as sexy at one point and he must have loved you at that time because he married you. Unless he was just acting to either get a "Green Card" or a permanent place to stay, you didn't say if you owned your home or not or if he moved into where you and your children were living.
You also did not say what country, or if you prefer not to be specific what ethnic background he is. Men from the Orient and the Middle East tend to live according to the traditions of their homelands: The man can do no wrong and the woman is "property" to serve him.
Anyway, He has no right to treat you in the manner that he has, let him know that this is not whereever he came from and that here women have rights the same as men. If you think counseling would help then by all means do it! But it sounds as if this marrage was over for him before YOU even got past the line"Dearly Beloved". Even if he wont agree to a divorce all you have to do is file for one and follow the directions of the courts and wait the prerequisit time and you are free of this self centered, self serving person who obviously has no respect for you or your feelings or your children.
As to the financial hardship, though I hate to see it happen, and one more family goes "on the dole", the AFDC and other programs are there to assist you in your time of need, besides from what you wrote and what I'm feeling from your words I don't think you would be needing assistance long nor would you abuse the system. Not to sound corny but ask The Lord for guidence,
though I'm sure He would tell you to get rid of your "husband".
May the Lord bless you and your children and keep you safe.

Answer 4

Maybe you should try going to counceling before you make a big decision like this. It sounds to me like you are both missing something in this relationship and you need help getting it back. . If you don't love him you should just leave no matter how much financial hardship there will be. Living in a home were two people don't love each other is alot more damaging to your 2 kids than living comfortably yet miserable. As for the guy at work, right know you are looking for any sort of compliment to make you feel good. I'm sure you're a beautiful person, you just need to hear it more. Your husband has put you down so much that any little compliment you hear you grasp on to looking for more. The only person who matters is you. It doesn't matter what anyone says, if you don't feel good about yourself, you'll never be happy. Besides since when was beauty something you look at? It's something you feel. YOU are only sexy when you FEEL sexy!!!

P.S. how can anyone with a name like erectoman give good female advice?

Answer 5

It sounds like he does not want a divorce for 2 possible reasons.

1. You said he was from another country (will he have to go back to his own?)

2. Money, nothing more than greed.

I would set yourself up with a little running away fund that he cannot get his hands on. Have family help you if need be. Put some things in your kids names if you have to, he can't touch it if they are not his kids.

Get out of the marriage and look after yourself. His kind of abuse is emotional, designed to wear you down so you won't have the self esteem to go it alone and will never leave, he sounds like a control freak. He doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you either?..........And the total stranger was probably right about you, he has no reason to lie.

Answer 6

Don't give him a bad time about checking out other women and watching porn. You are not his mom. Don't take that joy away from him. He may be saying mean things to punish you for scolding him for being a man. You need to ask him if he is serious about you not being sexy. If he says yes then leave him. You have to trust him, or leave him. Nothing is worse than not being trusted. It is a true insult of ones character. Just because he checks them out doesn't mean that he is going to cheat. You should check out other guys in front of him but don't do it a million times or he will see that you are trying to burn him. It is good that others find you sexy but don't let that make you do something stupid. There is plenty of time if you become single to find someone who can appreciate you. Let some time go by and let him know that you are starting to lose interest but that it is not too late. If he can respect you he might try to cut down on looking at women for your sake or at least be more discreet.

Answer 7

Your husband doesn't sound like a nice husband at all. First, he is teaching your kids how husbands are supposed to treat their wives. Your kids will learn that husbands can be rude, inconsiderate, and disgusting, not to mention degrading about women. Even though a divorce will cause financial hardship, the lessons you teach your kids far outweigh the money.

However, please don't fall into the arms of another man, even if he makes you feel good. Face it, in the beginning, they all do. You may be feeling vulnerable and an affair or immediate relationship with another man will end up making you feel worse.

I don't want to say that you should get a divorce because I don't know the whole situation. I will say that I've gotten divorced over far less and if my husband treated me so awfully, I'd drop him like third period French. You deserve so much better! In my opinion, it's better to be alone than in a relationship and lonely.

Good luck to you and your kids!

Answer 8

Don't worry about the money, get out of that relationship and save your self-respect now! You don't deserve to be treated like that. There are plenty men out there, that know how to treat a woman, you just have to look real hard. Even if you never find the right guy, you can hold your head high because you were brave, and didn't let that man, get the best on you, and you left him for good. Your children need you to be strong for them, how are you going to be strong, when your stuck in a rotten relationship? Trust me, you'll feel much better about yourself when you are done with that man. And the fact that he doesn't want you to divorce him, is a even better reason to do it. Does he think that you are just going to take that kind of abuse, and stay by him? That's pathetic! I think not, get out now, while you still can. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

Yep leave that mf u don't need him 4 **** u just don't relize that rt now. U don't need no man 2 disrespect u and that's what ur relationship seems 2 be all about. Tell that mf 2 go back 2 where he came fm. Finacially don't worry about it cuz I have 2 kids and did it myself and it's still hard 4 me, but I'd rather be by myself then deal w/some1 that wants 2 disrespect me. What wuz the purpose of u guys even getting married? I'm sure ur pretty and maybe he's in secure about himself and just wants 2 bring u down so no 1 else will bother w/u some guys do **** like that 4 there own ego and u will find some1 better. Keep ur head up

Answer 10

I say "YES", I recently got out of a relationship also, with a man who was really bringing me down. When we first got together he was wonderful, told me I was gorgeous and that he loved me, made all these promises. That all stopped as soon as I was living with him (thank God we didn't get married!). He started nagging about my daughters that they didn't clean the house good and were disrespectful, which was true so I kept trying to please him but I drew the line at making my daughters go live with their father who has never really been in their lives. It made me very sad but I had to leave and give up on the relationship. I knew also that when I left I would be very broke and in trouble financially but he made me cry every day for two years. He also started saying stuff like I was not all that pretty and couldn't get somebody else to love me which I know is not true! I am dating and someday I have hopes of having love again. They always say that so you wont go looking for something better! It is a major mind game. So you need to decide what you want happiness even if it is by yourself (which is doubtful!) or sorrow all the time because a man wants to bring you down to his level.

Answer 11

You obviously did not know this guy well enough to commit to a marriage with him. If you feel obligated, check out facilities for marriage counseling in your community and ask him to go through it with you. If, after 2 or 3 mos. he won't, or doesn't seem to take it seriously, start looking for work and your own apartment. Don't discuss it with him. Since money is a problem, check your community for Legal Aid, or organizations to help women in abusive relationships. If you have decent family--even at a distance--consider going to them in the interim to getting your own place and new job. Perhaps there's a community college where you can get training for a good job. If you have to do that where you live and still live with him, just keep telling yourself you've started the process of getting out of a bad situation, and if you go on acting like he expects he won't get wise. Tell someone--a friend, a minister, any counselor (if you've found that kind of help in the community) what's going on and what you're doing about it, and keep them updated. Not someone who will run to him and give you up or could be accused of being a "boyfriend". The first responsibility is to the safety of yourself & children. The moment he hits/hurts you or one of them swear out a complaint, and move out. The next responsibility is to build a successful life for yourself, and teach your kids they can change their circumstances when the circ. are not good. This guy doesn't sound good. Separate anything you owned before you married him into your own name. Consult any legal aid or law service you can find in your community to do it right and avoid trouble. If he's such a rotter, be sure he learns he can get nothing from you (but trouble if he harasses/hurts you). Also, you don't want to keep him tied to you, so don't ask for support from him, if it proceeds to divorce. Good Luck.