Husbands....have I done too much damage?

Question

Husband has anxiety when it comes to sex, we've been married 3 years and he has never lasted longer than 5 minutes, most of the time less than 1 minute. He usually pleases me through oral, but for the most part he is awkward in bed.....I do the lingerie, oils, dirty talk, etc, even bought him books, but nothing is changing. He says sex is not that important to him and that he doesn't really care about it that much. I've gotten very frustrated and angry through the years and told him I didn't want to be tempted to leave because he didn't care about pleasing me sexually.....also, I had a girl on girl experience before I met him, I told him about it, and he gets excited about that and loves to bring it up in the bedroom. It's not the same for me, so I ask him not to dwell on it. When he doesn't talk about it he's a different lover - awkward. He doesn't watch porn, and we have no internet at home, he isn't cheating I know for a fact. It's been 4 weeks since the last time we had sex. Help!

Answer 1

Sheez, girl, you couldn't have hurt him more if you hit him with a brick. Do you really not understand where a man gets his sense of self-esteem, and how? Do you really not see what kind of damage you've done?
Looking at it from a man's perspective, not only have you been repeatedly "disappointed", but you've been threatening. And you've demeaned him the one time he's actually opened up and shared something intimate with you. He makes himself vulnerable, and you pounced...
This man is hurting. Very, very badly. If you care about him at all, if you ever want a wonderful, passionate, intimate sex life... things have got to change and you've got to make the changes.

not for public discussion, but... If you want to know how to fix this (you can) then e-mail me.

Answer 2

Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on him to perform. however if he is never interested perhaps there is a medical reason for this, is he diabetic or under a lot of stress? I appreciate you are angry and frustrated but these emotions will only serve to make matters worse. I would suggest you both see a sex therapist so that he can sort out his issues and also that you can understand what is going on. If you love him and still desire him then at you are at least supporting him and hopefully will fulfill you needs also. The girl on girl thing might not do much for you but your hubby likes to talk about it not because he is dwelling on it but because it is turning him on and is what he finds stimulating. Some guys like dirty talk, he has his preferences! I'm sure you could incorporate some fantasies of your own at the same time to stimulate your mind. More importantly be patient with each other, remember the more comfortable he is the more confident he will become. Good luck.

Answer 3

There is a lot of damaged areas here:
1. Comments about his short performance.
2. Only getting off to oral.
3. Telling him about the girl on girl experience, then not letting him in any farther -- btw, thats every mans fantasy. Let him have some fun.
The fussing, nagging, comments about his performance has killed his desire for you. Now it is a chore. Hurry up and get done and she'll be happy. (personal experience) It will be really hard to get that love/lust back into your life with him. Its doable, but it will take work. You said that sex is not important....I would argue that point but I don't know him. Most Males are driven by sex. I don't know what the answer is for you. Good Luck

Want to hear my story (which is quite similar) email me.

Answer 4

If sex was an important thing for you in marriage, then why did you marry this man? Surely, you know about this before you were married? Or were you a virginal bride? The top 3 topics to discuss prior to marriage are money, children, sex.

Is it possible he masturbates too much? Why not try a therapist instead of just using a public forum full of uninformed people.

Answer 5

Wow ..I don't know where to begin. That sucks. Maybe you should talk to him about Viagra. He could be suffering to premature ejaculation, the anxiety could be a symptom or the cause. It sounds like he doesn't have much of a sex drive to begin with. I've never met a man who doesn't watch porn, even gay men watch a lot of porn. Talk to a doctor and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

I don't think he is gay, but something is wrong.

However, from your standpoint their are two issues, quantity and quality. You left us with the complaint on quantity, but it seems that (even if you are against it to some extent) merely to topic of the girl on girl bit should get him in the mood.

Either way, you are only married 3 years was this always like this? When you dated? When you were first married?

Seems odd to me, but everyone is different. Whatever you do, (if you don't already) don't have children with the man, until you are sure this relationship is stable.

Answer 7

if he cant last longer than 5 minutes with you i doubt he would venture out to another woman
mine did same thing, kept bringing up the past(things i told him i had done or tried) you are in charge so to speak make sure that he doesnt get off when you think hes ready>?stop take a break then resume it does help and each time gets better

Answer 8

if you don't want to do the Rx route due to the expense, and it is extensive the is an OTC call STAMINA-RX it in a blue package and will be with the energy pills. the awesome part about this is it comes in a pk of 2 you take 1 and give 1 to him and the stimulation might just be enough for you cause it works great on us chicks.

Answer 9

Premature ejaculation is not an easy problem to get over, though how to do so is pretty well understood. First you need to persuade him that he wants to do the work to get over it, then the two of you would need to actually do the work to get him past it. If and when he's willing to work on this with you, I'd suggest getting a couple of good books on the subject, and/or finding a good sex therapist to help you work through this.

However, to get there, you first need to get him to be willing to work on this. I can basically see two approaches you could try to doing this: the guilt/threats approach or the encouragement approach. I'm sure if you think about it you'll realize that the guilt/threats approach is not a good way to motivate anything involving sex, trust, closeness, or intimacy. So I think you need to encourage him into it. From what you say, he's not very active in the bedroom, except when the subject of your girl-girl experience comes up: it sounds like that that's the one thing that really turns him on. (Lesbianism is a very common turn-on for men.) I would suggest that you make use of. OK, I understand that it's not something that you'd want to dwell on, but it clearly does something for him, you want him to be turned on and to want to have sex with you, and I would hope that you love him enough to want to give him pleasure. So I suggest you try to put your feelings about it aside (or change them, and understand that this is something about you that he values), and work on it: while you're making out, tell him stories about you and other women, spin sexy fantasies for him about it, play out fantasy scenes where he's your lesbian lover and gives you oral sex, do whatever it takes to rekindle his interest in having sex with you. Once he actually enjoys it, then you can persuade him to put in the effort that both of you will need to put in to retraining his sexual response so as to give you more pleasure.

A couple of other thoughts: the odds are quite high that he maturbates (most men do, even when in happy relationships), and that he may have got into the habit of coming that fast through masturbating quickly. If you're past giorl-girl experience is the one thing thate xcites him, the odds are good that it's a prominent part of his fantasy life.

If he never does get past his premature ejaculation, then you need him to get very good at pleasuring you with his tongue or fingers (just like a lesbian lover would be). That could be worked into this fantasy life too.

Good luck to both of you.

Answer 10

If you are into multiple partners, like two women and a man you could try that, but then again some men get jealous, and then there is the one like " well I did the two girls for you now I want two men. He probably won't go for that. Or you could try a sex therapist. They work!