Let's say that someone wants to become homosexual, but has no urges that way....?

Question

What would you say to a freind who no longer wants to be straight because of abuse and bad experiances? And how would it even be possible?

Answer 1

First off, I'm really happy to see that the whole "gay is a choice" thing is a tiny minority opinion among the answers you have received so far. Hopefully, it means this outdated and incorrect view is going the way of the dinosaur.

I am going to make an assumption here. Although you never say so, from the tone of your question, it sounds like your friend is a woman. I'm also assuming from the empathy you show in asking the question, that you are a woman too. If I'm wrong, my advice is still the same... just don't pay attention to the pronouns too much. ;-)

There are plenty women who turn to other women for relationships as a result of abuse, but the truth is, this is just a temporary hiding place, and they always end up going back to men. It's natural to want to stay away from a certain type of person if a number of members of that group have hurt you. But we simply can't change how we are wired. You say your friend has no desire for women... it's because she is straight.

And because she is straight, sooner or later, she will have to face down the demons of her past if she wants to have a a good chance for a successful relationship with a man in the future.

I would advise her to take some time off from dating and relationships of any kind. And depending on the type and severity of the abuse, suggest that she get some professional counseling.

She really needs to feel secure and strong in herself before she can be ready to fully commit to any sort of relationship. And I would even say that until she does feel that way, it would be an unfair burden to anyone she dates.

I say this with knowledge from personal experience in my younger days. I didn't take the advice I am giving your friend at first, and tried to be tough and handle it myself. Not only was I miserable and fragile, but I was really an energy leech on people I tried to date. Once I got past the initial negative stigma of needing a counselor and started seeing one, I found the experience incredibly helpful, and even looked forward to our weekly sessions.

I wish your friend all the best as she works on getting through this tough time and on with her life, and I wish you strength to be there for her in this tough time. I can tell that you are a great friend to her, and she will really need people like you in the times that lie ahead.

Answer 2

Tell your friend that it doesn't matter what gender they are with, abuse and bad experiences can still happen.

You friend needs to examine what went wrong in previous relationships, taking responsibility for their own actions. For example, getting into a relationship that "felt bad" right from the start.

On the other hand, they also need to recognize that abuse is not their fault. An abusive person will blame the abused. "You made me hit you." It is the abuser with the problem! Of course, your friend now seems to have low self-esteem because of this.

Basically, this is going to take a lot of work on the part of your friend. They need to listen to their instincts, or their friends (like you), if a new romantic interest throws up red flags. Learn to recognize the traits that lead to problems, and avoid those kinds of people.

Plus, one does not "become" homosexual. Homosexuality is a predisposition, not a choice. One could choose to be involved in homosexual relationships, but that does not necessarily make them a homosexual.

Tell your friend that there *are* good people out there, they just have to look differently for them, and pay closer attention to the warning signs in order to avoid bad experiences in the future.

Good luck to your friend. It's a long, hard road, but it will be worth it.

Answer 3

It is not possible. Do your best to help your friend become comfortable again in his skin as a straight man. No one can choose what they are.

Years ago a boy that I had helped raise had a reverse coming out experience that I will never forget. He was 13 and I found him at our house one day when I came home from work. Sitting on our bed, looking so sad, kicking his feet and looking at the ground (he had his own key -- we were very close to his family) and I said "Honey what's wrong" --- and after a little goading he looked up at me and burst out "Reyn, I think I'm straight." and started crying. He loved us very much and his favorite uncle was also gay, while neither his father or his straight uncles had time to spend on him -- and until he started having feelings, it just never occurred to him that he might be straight, he certainly didn't want to be and he assumed that he could choose what he wanted -- but there he was, and he realized that he was stuck. I spent a lot of time over the next months telling him he was wonderful just as he was and that he could do anything he wanted to do, except become something other than he was made. I told him that it was ok -- it was so much a reverse coming out. It was incredible. Over time he adjusted, and now he is very happily in a relationship of quite a duration with a girl he loves very much, and I would not be surprised to eventually see a wedding there.

Your friend has seen gays as supportive, loving, and caring -- which they often are -- and he wants a relationship where he is safe and loved --- different reasons from our young friend, but the same reality. He is straight -- he can't change, but he can be wonderful, he can do anything he wants to do except change, and he can find a successful, decent, worthwhile relationship with a woman -- and live a good and successful life (which will also give you one more wedding to attend.)

He CAN do it.

Kind regards,

Reynolds
http://www.rebuff.org
[e-mail]

Answer 4

No, it is not possible to turn gay. You are born gay, lesbian, or bisexual. You cannot even be bi-curious if you're not curious. Being gay is not a choice.

Being GLB is about feeling love for somebody of the same sex (or both sexes in the case of bi) in a meaningful relationship way and a sexual way.

Straight is not a bad way to be either. Bad experiances happen to everybody. Maybe your friend should just be single for a while and find out who they are before trying another relationship of any kind. They can always have gay friends.

Try a friendship next and hold off on the romantic relationship.

Answer 5

All homosexuality is is a choice, anyway. Somewhere along the line, someone *chooses* to be homosexual. It may not be a concious choice, like the one you're describing, but it is always a choice. So yes, it is possible to "become" homosexual.

But you should talk to your friend, anyway. Just because I burned my hand on a hot plate doesn't mean I'm going to stop using plates. Not all plates are hot. Do you see what I'm talking about?

I understand that your friend was abused, and I'm not trying to belittle that, but you should talk to him/her and let your friend know that not all people of the opposite sex are like the ones who abused your friend.

I'm not going to start preaching at you, but homosexuality *is* a sin, and your friend should re-assess why they want to become homosexual. If it's just out of spite or for revenge or what have you, then that is a silly reason.

Just because I burned my hand on a hot plate at one point doesn't mean all plates will burn me.

Answer 6

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tell your friend to get over it everyone has bad experiences. I am sorry if she was beaten or just talked down to or whatever, but you are not allowed to just become gay. The reason i am gay is because i get urges when i look at someone of the same sex, thats not something you can just choose to do, and if you do, that's not going to make you happy because it won't be what you really want. i think your friend needs to get over herself cause their problems are not the end of the world, everyone gets hurt, everyone gets sh*t on, everyone cries, and everyone eventually dies, if they live there short life, average 70-78 years, as a lie, they will die more unhappy they they ever wouold have been being **** on all the time. i think you need to tell your friend to wake up and take a look around at the rest of the world and be thankful for what he/she has, and move on, because what doesn't kill us makes us cry a little and then move on towards another day. and also to everyone who sucks out there, stop acting like we are the way we are because we didn't want to deal with being straight, because i am here to tell you, being gay is no walk in the park, realationships tend to be just as shitty and ****** up, and then you have to deal with all of these other people who hate you just for being you.

Answer 7

This person should leave all alone til they heal. They shouldn't keep running from one empty relationship to another. People think that it reflects negatively on them when they have had a bad relationship but it doesn't. They need healing time, oh, about 5 years to get out of the same rut. If not they continually find the same relationships just to prove they are bad and all women or men are bad.

Answer 8

Tell your friend that rejection is an aweful reason to become homosexual, and they are likely to experience a lot worse on that side. If they are not attracted to males they will be miserable trying to be gay. Tell him to keep trying...there are a lot of girls out there, and just because he met up with a few B*tches doesn't mean he should give up on us all together.

Answer 9

The life of a homosexual isn't the easy road your friend is looking for. If they thought that they knew abuse or bad experiances before hand, then just let them have half of society reject them.

Answer 10

There are probably some things that your friend is doing wrong if he/she continually has bad experiences. Not that being gay is wrong, but it will not work to try to become attracted to something that he/she is not. Any problems he has been having with heterosexual relationships will probably continue if he/she attempts to have homosexual relationships. There is some self-reflection that needs to take place for sure.