Should I give her another chance?

Question

wife of 10 years got hooked on drugs. persuaded by church and family we decided not to get a divorce, and instead she went into a treatment program for 9 months. within 3 weeks she hit the streets again, and once our 2nd car got repossessed that was enough for me.
On my own I sold the house, moved out of the state, eventually got a good job a new house all the while i was taking care of our 4 children.
During this time she went into another treatment program (this one was christian-based) and has now been clean for a year. She hasnt seen the kids or me and wants to come back. My initial answer was HELL TO THE NO!!!! after thinking about it for a while, all the old love feelings kicked up again. What do u think i should do?

Answer 1

John I think you should take baby steps. Everyone can make a mistake, or two. Yes she messed up, but trust me, no one knows or feels it as bad as she does. She has to be tormented over what she did to those kids, if not how she destroyed her relationship with you. No mother can live with the guilt that she abandoned her children in the pursuit of drugs. Drug addiction is a sickness...no one wakes up and says "I think I want to be strung out on drugs today".

While I'm definately not saying you should jump right back in and take her back. But I would meet with her alone first. Lay down the law. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not to interfer with the growth and recovery of those children. Thats first. Don't try to take them away, and don't make them any promises that you'll all be together again. Feel her out and see where she really is (not just by her words, but check her actions) and if your gutt is okay with it, then allow her to see the children. I would not however at this point allow her to move back into the home. Unfortunately it takes longer to rebuild lives than it does to destroy them. If she sincerely wants what's best for everyone, then she'll agree to your terms.

I really commend you for stepping up to the plate and doing things on your own, I'm sure that wasn't easy. A lot of men would have put the kids off on family and moved on. Don't destroy what you worked so hard to rebuild. If you love her and she still loves you, then time will heal the wounds and things will come back into place.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Try being her friend first, not her husband, but her friend, talk, take walks, go to the movie, not set yourself up for happily-everafter just yet. Be honest with her, tell her you can't just take her back right off the bat. But you are willing to try to see if there could be something between you again. If she wants to come back to you and the kids then, then she should be willing to go along with some ground rules. If she doesn't want to follow them, then no, wipe your mind clean of those old feelings. Don't make the rules impossible to follow, but something you both can live with. She has a lot of making up to do with you and the kids. Start slowly...a cook-out, so pressure is involved..I hope she knows how lucky she is that you are even thinking about trying again, and this time doesn't disappoint you. Family counseling would be another rule. That you all go...how does the kids feel about her, you have got to consider that, please, the kids need to come first....I am praying that you can be a family again, but be realistic it just might not work...Slow and easy, also make sure she loves you too, and not using you to get to the kids..The kids have been through enough all ready without her playing some kind of a mind games...Be careful and watch your heart..God bless...

Answer 3

Wow, sad story. I'm sorry for you and your kids. But... don't you think everyone deserves a second chance? You say you still love her, that will help. Maybe have a trial at being back together to see if you can rekindle all the feelings for one another again. She made mistakes, big mistakes, but drug users usually do. Now she is clean, she wants a second chance. I think if you love her and she loves you that it could work again. But you will have to have a lot of conversations, open conversations about what happened, how it made you feel, what it did to the kids, etc. You will have to forgive her as well. If you can't forgive her, it will never work. It will take some time to get back into a family routine. Not only will it be hard for the kids and you, but it will be hard for her as well. She knows she is going to have to prove herself to you and the kids. She's their mom, she does deserve to be with them, even if you don't decide to get back together. She will have to sit down with the kids as well and explain what she did, why she did it and to tell them how sorry she is, but that she wants to be a good mom again. With hard work, I think anyone can change for the better. Sounds like she is on her way if she has been clean for a year now. Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out for you. You do have a big decision to make.

Answer 4

It's so hard to say...but I think that I would. If you truley still love her and you honestly believe in your heart that there is a chance that it will work, then I believe that it is worth a shot...but only you know that. The main thing is that your children probably miss her dearly, and would benefit from having their mother back, if in fact she is healthy enough to contribute. But start off slow. Don't let yourself be in the position to be taken advantage of. Your children need stability and you don't want to rush in too quick and have her be in a position to hurt your family and the stability you have worked so hard to provide for your children. Remember that every day is a struggle for her, and although she may want her family back, there also may be things about the family life that are a trigger for her and may make sobriety tougher than being on her own. If that is the case she will need your support. I don't know the ages of the children, but you may want to involve them in this, get their input. If you do get back with her, it would be a good idea to talk to the children about addiction and what their mom is going through. It definately would be a good idea for the two of you to go to a support group, so that you can learn techniques that will help you both, as the dynamic of your relationship will surley have changed. Good luck- and good job being strong enough to think of your children above all else.

Answer 5

i just want to give you a pat on the back your story almost brought tears to my eyes sounds so familar. went through the same thing with my mom. but you should do what your heart tells you. i know you just dont want to put yourself out there like that because it's like that chance of what if. my answer to you is take it real slow maybe it's best for her to get her own place for now and gradually work her way up to being the old her. i know the kids would love that. a major issue with trust my arise if you believe you can trust her then go ahead and get your wife but if not just let her get a house or apartment and visitation if you think thats what you want to do. I have to say it again YOU ARE A GREAT FATHER ! I 'LL GIVE U A PAT ON THE BACK.

Answer 6

This is probably the "bad times" part of your wedding vows, (good times & bad) but its over! If shes clean & has been, and it sounds like its for good this time, however, Im sure shell still go to meetings, you could benefit by going to some with her. Its a different situation than if she had cheated on you, ya know what I mean? Chances of making a go at it would probably be great, and it would give the children a family again.

With God all things are possible!

Answer 7

C'mon! She's your wife, in sickness and in health. It's not fair to only be with her when times are good. She's at a point in her life when she needs you the most. Don't take her kids away from her, how would you like it if someone said you couldn't see your kids on a count of something bad that you did. As long as she's trying to get well. She can't go in the past and erase what she done. Give her another chance, and from there you will see if her attentions of getting better are for real.

Answer 8

Those poor kids! I think you should maybe gradually introduce her back into your life. Don't just move her back in and start supporting her. Your children need to also get used to the fact that she's back, and know that she won't be leaving again. Children need stability, and you sound like you've done a great job at being a parent. Be proud of yourself. Love yourself, love your kids, and if your wife loves herself, you and your kids, she should have to prove it to you guys. She needs to earn your trust back, not expect it. I really hope it all works out for you and your family. Having a complete, happy, healthy family is amazing. I hope your wife can stick to it and realize the most important thing in life is your family and your children. :)

Answer 9

Being hooked on drugs is a huge problem and you can't get clean on your own. But if she has been clean for a year you have to make sure she is. Don't keep her form the children but if you do let her back in make sure that she knows that she must stay clean other wise she will not be home again. turn to God and pray for her.

Answer 10

Do you know me????? This story is the life that I am living right now. I am a addicted and ending up losing my husband and my child over this. Follow your heart if you want to take her back go for it just becarful do not keep throwing her past mistakes in her face, learn about the disease but do not try to fix her she has to find her way. I wish my husband would have giving me another chance you are a very good man good luck!!!!