will seperation ever help save a marrage or am i postponing the inevitable?

Question

the past six months of my life have been very tough. my wife basically told me its nothing i did or didnt do, but that she right know is unable to contribute anything to our union. our 7 year old daughter was on holiday for the summer and comes home today. i lived with my brother for the past 5 weeks and was very emotional which probably didnt help my situation. she is right, there is NOTHING there. we went on vacation last week for our 10 year annivarsary and basically did our own thing. she wouldnt even kiss me during the most amazing sunset ever. i brokedown weeping uncontrollaby several times and she insist she still loves me and just isnt sure what she wants. i am growing impatient and do not want to go into debt getting a second place for an extended period of time. ive tried everything i can do to snap her out of this rut and am about ready to give up. she doesnt even want to do councling and wont even tell her family. what should i do??!!

Answer 1

Check out the book "Should I Stay or Should I Go". It talks to exactly your issue...

Answer 2

Six years ago, I was your wife. She is going through a "crises", and may even be interested in someone else. She is not thinking clearly, and is not making good decisions. This is the way she's going to be for a little while. If you try to hurry her along, it will make things worse. Here is what I advise you to do;

1) You need to move back into the house for a few reasons, but mainly so the state will not consider you to have "abandonded" the family. This status could impact your rights to your child in the future if for some reason you two do not work things out. If your wife doesn't like you in the house, then SHE can leave. She can figure out how to make that work financially.
2) Back off from her for now. Do not try to force her to figure things out, as it will only make things worse. Give yourself a timeframe that is reasonable, i.e. 3 months. If she is still "confused" and refuses counseling, then it's time to go see your lawyer.
3) Let's say she IS seeing someone else. Can you forgive her for that? Do you want it to work so badly that you're willing to get past that? Then tell her. Say something like, "I'm not going to ask you if you're seeing someone, or if you're even interested in someone else, but if you are, please know that I can forgive you for that. I would still love you." Leave it at that.
4) Keep your daughter as the #1 priority. Do not cry uncontrollably in front of her, do not bring any of this up with your wife with your daughter around, do not let your daughter hear you talk about this on the phone to other people, do not speak badly of her mother to her, etc. She will sense that something is wrong when she gets back (kids are intuitive). Show her a lot of love, spend time with her. She needs to feel secure.

I'm so very sorry about your situation. Please, whatever you do, be smart about this. Start thinking with your head and make a plan for you and your daughter. Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like you are postponing the inevitable since she refuses counseling etc. What concerns me the most about your comments is that it really sounds like you are suffering from depression. I went through the same thing when my marriage ended. Your description of crying uncontrollably and being hyper emotional is a dead give away. A lot of people try to deny this because they don't want people to think they are "crazy" or that they are weak and can't deal with things on their own. I think this is especially true of men. I finally sought help ( despite intense denial I was depressed) after I found myself crying in the middle of Wal-Mart because I couldn't find the right size of pantyhose! The anti-depressants the doctor prescribed were a Godsend. I could finally sleep well and think straight after weeks of confusion. There is such a thing as clinical depression brought on by an extreme psychological blow. It could be your doctor might prescribe an anti-depressant for a short period of time to get you through this. Once you have your emotions in check - you will be able to make better decisions regarding divorce , your child, etc. Please make an appointment ASAP. Good luck - I know how difficult this can be. There IS someone else out there for you that will treat you with the warmth and affection you deserve.

Answer 4

Give her her space and leave her alone. My husband and I went through this a few years ago. I felt the same way. I just wanted to get away for awhile. But the seperation did help. We have been married 10 years now and people still think we are newlyweds cause we hold hands everywhere we go and cuddle alot. I hate to bring this up, but I feel I should, I would make sure she isn't having an affair. It sounds like she may be. Even though I wasen't when I wanted some time, but I would look into it. If you try to push her to much she will just run further. Let her know you love her but give her space.

Answer 5

Separation between married people does not address the issues that are causing the marriage to fall apart. You may be postponing the inevitable. It appears that your wife's heart is not in the same place as yours. In order to work through your hard times both parties have to be willing to work. You can't do it alone. Try to have another heart to heart with your wife and explain to her that you can not continue to go in circles and that although you love her you need to know if she will work with you because you have decisions about your life that must be made. Take back your manhood by not allowing her to trample on your heart anymore. I know that this is a painful situation. I have been there and felt your hopelessness and desperation. Pray hard and ask God for guidance. Sir, your wife should have decided what she wanted prior to marrying you not during the course of the marriage. Don't rule out counseling but prepare yourself for the possibility that divorce may be a possibility. I am so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this troublesome era. May God be with you.

Answer 6

It sounds like she has out-grown your marriage (meaning she is no longer the same person she was when you two got married & probably seemed perfect for each other). You should probably stop delaying the inevitable. It is my personal belief that we can be perfect w/ one person for a period of time, and that time may not be the rest of our lives. She probably still loves you in a way, and always will, but not as a husband, or what she thinks love should be w/ a husband.

You sound like a really great guy & you should start to get out now, before you spend too much time trying to win somebody back that doesn't love you in the same way.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I was separated from my former husband for 2 years before we divorced. At first, the separation seemed to bring us closer. We began dating one another again & that was alot of fun. Maybe, instead of breaking down & upsetting yourself, you should try dating her again. Maybe that will spark her interest in making this work. Pretend you're not married & that you're just dating...then do all the sweet things you used to do when you first met. If that doesn't work, and she refuses counseling, then I would seek help from family & friends to help you through as you both try to figure out a gentle way to bring an end to the marriage. I wish you both the best of luck with this. It isn't easy, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. After 2 years of separation from my ex, and then an emotional divorce, we are both happy now and we get along well as parents to our 7 year old daughter. Hang in there!

Answer 8

For one getting emotional in front of her and her not doing anything is a bad sign, coming from a woman mind you. I know it's hard, but you getting upset and emotional will only drive her crazy if she didn't show you any sign of compassion at all.

It sounds like you need to really let her have her space for awhile, no calls....no contact... except for where your daughter is concerned. She must be dealing with something in her own self and thats just how she is doing it. You can't solve anything by getting emotional.

I would really give her space, find something to keep yourself busy, and seriously just leave her alone. Let her be the one to contact you, and if she loves you, she will. Remember the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? It does and in your case...it's definately time.

Start by doing some new things for yourself, change your style, read some selfhelp books, work on you and make some changes, she may notice and like what she sees. She may wonder what you have been up too. It never hurt anyone to be better or to change themselves for the better.

Good Luck.

Answer 9

I don't like to say this, but I think it is time to give up. You can't make her do anything. You love her, you can tell by the words you have wrote, you are going to have to let her go. Right now she doesn't know what she wants, and she needs time to figure it out--so for now, let her go, She maybe back, but be prepared that she doesn't. Sometimes things happen that we have no control over, and this is one of them. You focus all that attention on your daughter and yourself. Start going out with your friends, meet new people. Take a day at a time, one foot in front of the other...your daughter needs you, because her Mother can't be. Could be your wife decides that she wants to home, and but you have moved on with her. I am sorry, I am going through something similar, but he is still at home. I think it would easier if one of us left, because it is hard to see him very day and not be able to love him. So, get tough, and start your life anew....good luck and I pray that you can find your happiness soon and your heart mend quickly.. God bless...

Answer 10

She might have died or inside or been fake from the beginning so many people think marriage for money is the way to go but it is the end all.

Falling down the movie was a marriage of convenience for the woman and she was not there for man. He provided everything for her and in the end when he needed help she just made things worse.

I will pray for you but it is likely over, if she comes back it will not be love. Sorry I wish you the best worse things could have happened look at my 360 page.

Answer 11

we sound like we are in similar situations. My husband and i tried to do the seperation thing. He is even in a different counrty. But somewhere along the line of our potentially short marriage i lost him and just didn't know how to gt him back. Everything happens for a reason but from my expierence I would say if you don't know what you want or she doesn't then you should quit fighting it and get the divorce and for your daughters sake be friends or atleast civil. There is someone out there for you don't waste time trying to fix something that is totaled.