My boyfirend has begun talking about our future together, he wants to get a house together and blend our families into one. He wants us just to live together. I have told him that I would not just live with him. We both have children from previous marriages, and I do not believe that that would be setting a good example for them. I want to marry him but he will not ask me. He was burned badly in his first marriage, but that was 8 years ago. I too was burned badly, I was married for 19 years. I just get the feeling he wants to be with me just not marry me. I have no doubt he does love me and wants a long term relatonship, just not the one I want. What should I do?
2006-07-17 05:12:51 · 23 answers · asked by sweetcompassionatekind 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He is 42 and his children are 11 and 9, I am 38 and mine are 17, 15 and 12. I am financially independent. I own my own home and support myself and my kids on my own.
2006-07-17 07:27:55 · update #1
he wants all the benefits of marriage without committing himself to marriage. if he still has hangups and trust issues or any kind of issues from his previous marriage, he is not being fair to you and your present relationship...
he needs to deal with his past so that he can be ready for you and your future together..until then you should not live with him until you get married. stick to your standards and expectations, set boundaries. he will NEVER marry you if he is able to move in and capitalize on the benefits.
you both love and care for each other but you will be much happier if you stand for what you want which is marriage and a good example for your kids!
2006-07-17 05:27:30 · answer #1 · answered by heresthedeal 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have not mentioned whether you are an independant person. Also you do not mention how old your kids are now. If marriage in your opinion seems to be the best solution, why dont you ask him to marry you and tell him how you feel about the whole idea of the two families just living together and the impact it would have on the kids. Also, you can express your unhappiness just as you have in your question. If he really loves you and does not want to lose you, he will surely give it a though and may even agree eventually.
One thing's for sure - both of you seem to be old enough to have open minded mature conversations about your future, your happiness, your likes and dislikes. So, go ahead and communicate.
2006-07-17 13:16:03 · answer #2 · answered by someone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to tell him that you're ready to take the relationship a step further and marriage is the next step. If he wants to move in together and wants a future with you that badly, he will marry you. If he doesn't marry you, he might have trust issues and maybe he's not the right person for you. I say give him an ultimatum. If he really wants that future, he'll make it legal. It's important if you're planning a future, if no marriage, you are without rights as his spouse, like making medical decisions in case of an emergency, etc...and vice versa.
2006-07-17 12:22:00 · answer #3 · answered by oldmanatee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has a fear or another marriage. If you guys are already living the life why is that not enough? Perhaps he feels marriage will change things in the relationship. I wouldn't give up on this relationship over this. Marriage may still be in your future, he is just afraid. The message your kids will take is that even with outside kids; families can blend and everyone is loved. Enjoy.
2006-07-17 12:20:02 · answer #4 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you explained all of these feelings and thought to him? I agree that you should not live together before getting married, not only for the kids but for yourself. You may need to take a break and show him life without you and see what happens. This is hard to do but it can work if you can be strong. No calling, or allowing calls etc. But only try this if he doesn't say what you are hoping to hear after you talk it over.
2006-07-17 12:21:37 · answer #5 · answered by flowerandkevin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whats the hang up?
i guess you are god fearing so tell god you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him.
if you truly love the man i would hate to think you would spend any less time with him as you can over some pride.
move in all sin is forgivable and actually normal you do your job witch is to spread the word and prey. you good to go with god.
and maybe 8 years down the road when he is fully not burned you can have your fancy weading.
what example are you showing your kinds now? frustration? division? and why dont you try a relationship you can both agree on. needs come before wants.
oh yea we are all already sinners so iff some says you are one so what? i cant belive the hartach people go through worring that people will call them sinners. ask your preacher why we have to suffer and die in this world.
2006-07-17 12:48:50 · answer #6 · answered by mick d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my gosh, I was in that same position. I moved in with my boyfriend and his kid and I have two half the time. I just naturally thought we would be married in a few months after we moved in together. WRONG!!! He just kept telling me, "it's gonna happen." Finally, I'm not saying this is my perfect way I wanted it to happen. But I more or less gave him an ultimatum. I had to, it was really affecting me mentally. It was all I thought about. Anyway, he could see what bad shape I was getting in, and we set a date. Maybe my situation is a little different because I always had it dangled in front of me, he was just really slow. Anyway, what I'm saying is I wouldn't just live together, because it really affected me mentally and emotionally. I always feel like people are looking at me saying, Sinner, Sinner. I hope that helps. I just know with me, I could have told myself we're just living together, but deep down I wanted it all.
2006-07-17 12:41:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stick to your guns, honey!! You have the right idea. It's not good to try to "blend" a family cause the kids will get mixed messages. I think you're a smart women. Just wait it out. But when he asks why you don't want to live with him, tell him the children come first and you want to be a role model for them....and stick to it! I'm so proud of you!
2006-07-17 12:19:04 · answer #8 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you want to be with him, then go for it and move in. your children will see the committment rather then two unresponsible individuals who are living unwed together. think about the divorce that you went through. are you ready for that again if you two are legally bound? try living together and see how the two families mesh and how the two of you handle the situation. sometimes you have to test the water before you jump in. if he is scared to get married again, then take it really slow and when he's ready it will be perfect! you don't want to rush anyone and make them feel pushed into something they aren't ready for. especially the kids, you don't want them to feel weird about the new mommy or daddy. a long engagement is also a good alternative! committment with a promise of "someday". keep in mind you can have a great companion without that piece of paper that bound your legally till death or divorce!
good luck, follow your heart.
2006-07-17 12:18:59 · answer #9 · answered by UNeverKnow 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If him does not what to get married. But he want to live together. And you want marriage first. Then why dont you to wait a little longer to make up your mind. There is no reason to rust in to ether. If it is because your to want to be loser then just move next door.
2006-07-17 13:03:00 · answer #10 · answered by Charlie M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋