I Have Separated But Can't Decide On Divorce. Help?

Question

I have been married for 9 years. My husband has never cheated, but has, I think, verbally and emotionally abused me. He has changed a bit, but not completely. He calls me names, but not all the time. He's negative about everything. Anything I find joy in, he tries to tear it down and make me dislike it (like holidays, friends etc.) We don't kiss or have a sex life of any type. I'm not actually physically attracted to him anymore, because my emotions have died to a point. When he's acting o.k., we have a good time, but it doesn't last. I told him he will have to prove he's changed, not some short term fix. I have separated and he says he sees what he's done and is trying to change, but I don't know if I love him anymore, enough to give him more of my lifetime. Your serious opinions are important. I'm 42 and He's 52. He is my first marriage, and I am his third marriage.

We went to marriage counselling for three appointments. He felt like it wasn't going to do any good. He said we can fix it ourselves. That was before I separated from him. I'm using this separation time to look at all aspects of the marriage.

I've been separated two months.

Answer 1

Give him another chance if you think that he deserves one but high tail it out of there if he hasn't changed. Don't waste the pretty as they say. If you have just had enough then get the papers signed and get on with starting the new phase of your life.

Answer 2

I'm 45, by the way and was married once for 17 years, so I'm not entirely ignorant on the issue.
The long and the sort of it is that you should leave him, in my opinion. I say this on the basis of what you wrote. You say that he calls you names and undermines / criticises much of what you do. Would you call a person that you love and respect names? I don't and I don't think you do either.
You're not physically attracted to him and your sex life is basically shot. Generally, people who live together accept physical changes in each other over time, but that does usually not detract from them finding each other attractive nonetheless. In your case, the hurt has pretty much shut down any emotion you could muster to enjoy intimacy with him. Yet, intimacy is a part of a healthy marriage and it really cannot be forced, not by therapy or anything else. It's something that grows or dies within a person.
You're on a roller coaster. Sometimes he behaves well, sometimes not and his behavior dictates the stability of your relationship. When he's good, you're good.. when he's an ***, you're unhappy. That is no way to live, unless you enjoy adjusting to his whims / mood.
This is sort of beside the point and just my personal take on 3d marriage vs 1st marriage. If a person has gone through multiple divorces, it should stop and make you wonder. Either it's a lack of judgement in partner, or maybe there's something wrong. Rarely is it a matter of "bad luck". My guess is that he doesn't like to change but keeps looking for a partner who will put up with him.
By the way.. when someone says that they're "trying to change", it is not the same thing as when they say they're "going to change". Semantics with huge consequences. Anyone can try anything, but to actually commit to changing requires action and actions are what matters.
You're still young enough to have a life without him. Don't waste it staying in a loveless, unsatisfying marriage.

Answer 3

I been there and done that. If you give him another chance at it. Then let him know where you stand at in the relationship. Don't let him walk over you, and put you down to nothing. Make an agreement, where he has to do this and that.
Or you can stay seperated, and work on it before you reenter the marriage again. Like try some therpy sessions. Don't let anyone tell you, what you are doing is wrong. Cause it's not.
It's your marriage, and you are trying your damnest to help it go on. But if you feel like the love die and wither away. Then let him know. That you want to move on to greener pastures.
Don't try to keep something going when it's already dead. If you both see thats it's not going to work out for the good. Then be spilt, rather then be together. And both of you are really miserable about it.
He wants to change what he done to the marriage. Then he has to make things work this time. Short term fix won't do nothing. It would at first, then he would lack off and go back to his old ways.You could stay seperated, till he prove it safe to come back. Prove that he has change for the good.

Answer 4

I think you are wasting your time and his. Not that I care about his time though! LOL
I would end it with him. He is NOT going to change. He's been married two other times. That should tell you something. You have been too marred by his actions. He is never going to be the man that you want.. I know because my husband is that same way. Your already out of there - why not just make a clean break? I would if I was already out of here. I wouldn't go back. The hard part is over. Go on with your life and be happy!!

Answer 5

You need to seriously consider marriage counseling. It will mediate discussions between both of you, as there may be concerns on both sides you both have a hard time talking about. It will help show if you can rebuold what yo once had, and break down the barriers between you. If he truly wants to change, he will go to counseling with you. 9 years is a lot to throw away without trying first.


If counseling doens't help you resolve your issues, then consider divorce, but be true to your marriage vows and try counseling first.

Answer 6

How long has this separation been?
Do you think he will change? I mean really?
Why don't you take this time to sit back and see this marriage from outside(as you are at this stage)
Why don't you test the waters as they say? Take your time, start all over again with him, a dinner out perhaps and see if he's slipping back or moving on. It's not easy to decide this, me being at a stage where I want to separate..but I have to look at all the options and so do you. Good Luck.

Answer 7

It sounds like you have the right idea. I think that if he continues to kill your spirit like he does, don't stay in the marriage. But I'm all for trying to work things out. I think this can happen only if you both want it to work. If you both want it, it will work. If he can prove that he can change then trust me, your feelings will be renewed. You can't expect to have feelings for him right now, how could you? And the separation will only make your feelings die more......it's easy to get used to living alone. But if you see a new person in him.......then things could change. I can't stress this enough though.....you BOTH need to change. You cannot change him, only yourself. He can't change you, only himself. If he is willing to change for you, then it's time for you to look at yourself and ask, "how am I contributing to his behavior? How can I encourage him to be different, and what can I change about myself that will encourage HIM to change too?" It's easy to see the flaws in other people.

I was married to a man who was constantly negative, was very fragile, couldnt' deal with problems, and thought sex was the answer to everything. I could have learned how to deal with these things better, how to be more encouraging and tolerant, but I gave up early on. In the end, I realize now, that he still to this day hasn't changed, but gotten worse........so I luckily made the right choice cause he was killing me and my outlook on life. But perhaps your husband CAN change.

No one can change at this point without therapy. Therapy is a huge help. Find the RIGHT therapist.....one who will give you constructive problem solving and one who will help you understand each other's language, and you will see changes happening. If he or you are not enthused about doing whatever it takes to make the marriage work, then dont' waste your time. It won't work without wanting it. If he's on his third, then obviously he is famous for walking away when things dont' go quite right for him. Sex will come later........sex should be the icing on the cake of a good healthy relationship......not the only glue that holds it together. So as far as your nonexistent sex life, that's what you should expect when your relationship is in shambles.

In summary, you have to start all over again. Your foundation has crumbled. If you're both willing to start from square one.....like dating again, and going to therapy......then you may have a shot. If not, then start your life over without him.

Answer 8

This is a serious life decision. Reaching out, even to anonymous strangers, isn't a bad idea for some "venting" and shallow input for consideration. But you need to be talking to a minister , family, close friends, etc.

not to mention a lawyer, just to prepare yourself should you choose to leave.

What answers are you hoping to hear? Are you looking for affirmation to leave, or encouragement to stay?

If you don't have any children, you need to consider what your needs are, and what you bring to the marriage. Is what you bring, what he needs? And is what he brings, what you need?

Don't stay in a marriage to avoid the feeling of being a failure, as I believe it takes more strength to leave than to stay. But don't leave a marriage if you will regret not having given your all.

You both deserve joy in your lives. If you can't have that in a marriage (ever, as you make it sound), then you should respect each other enough to go your separate ways.

God bless you as you struggle with this decision.
remember ann landers: Are you better with him or without him?

Answer 9

tink u better go separate ways since both of u were separated.

bcos u are not even sure whether he ever cheated u and u still love him or not. all these things are very important in a concrete relationship.

move on... and look forward for the future and never look back from the past. time have changed and u might never know..., yr mr right is just around u somewhere.

good luck and take care...

Answer 10

You would be better off without him. He has crushed your spirit, something that never should have happened. Don't let him have one more day to bring you down. See if you can't find someone who will treat you better. If not, they wouldn't it be great to be single again? You can do what you please, don't have to clean up after anybody, and don't have to answer to anybody.
I am in the same situation as you. I am 23, and have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful little girl. But my husband isn't involved in our lives, and doesn't enjoy anything at all besides playing his video games! I am getting ready to suggest marriage counsoling, and if that doesn't work for us, I'm ready to be done with his guilt trips and pity parties.

Answer 11

That is a true roller coaster ride. But I have been there!

Seek counseling, talk to your pastor, do all that you can to try & save the marriage.

But in the end, if there are no real changes, then go on your way. You can't really change him- he has to have the desire to change.

If he doesn't, then there is someone else out there for you (regardless of age!).

Life is too short not to have soem form of happiness!!!

Good luck!!!