Abusive marriage update; is it my fault too?

Question

I wrote not too long ago about my abusive marriage. I am really
having a hard time because I was planning on leaving and I am
ambivalent about everything. I talked to my husband earlier about
going to counseling and he thinks that it won't work. He is verbally
and emotionally abusive(we also have 2 small children). He says that he is tired of me. My question today is, do you think there is
any justification for his anger on my part? I ask this because I
admit that I have done things also over the years that he complains about such as not always being reliable (job wise), nagging (a little), not accomplishing goals: weightloss, going back to school, etc).
I'm wondering if I didn't do these things beause of the abuse(lowered self esteem and depression) or is his anger justified by calling me names and hollering and putting me down. I am so mixed up and I always find myself wanting to make things work and that if I changed to better myself, things would be ok. please help.

Answer 1

Even if someone disappoints you in a relationship (by not going to school or not losing weight) that does not justify name-calling, putting down, etc. Did you have a college degree when you got married and lost it? of course not. So when he took the vows it was "as is"... I'm just guessing here, but he is probably upset at himself a great deal (for not providing better, or whatever)... and he's taking it out on you... but it doesn't matter. He may love you dearly, but that doesn't undo the way he's making you feel. If he's not willing to go to counseling, I don't see a way out for you (and don't fool yourself about "staying for the kids" because you're not doing them any favors, teaching them that "abuse" is what a marriage is about) other than splitting up, at least until he can get some counseling and figure out why he's doing what he's doing. You aren't the cause of his actions. ok? because married to someone who doesn't have an anger problem, you could be exactly like you are and not be yelled at and put down. Your decisions are not to blame for his anger, even if he has reason to be disappointed, mistreating you is not a way to show disappointment, it only shows an inner anger. I'm not sure you heard me yet, so.... YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HOW HE CHOOSES TO REACT!!!! ok? you take care and do what you need to so the kids are in a healthier environment and you can be a happier, better mom. maybe someday you two can be back together, but not until HE changes and YOU learn not to be abused. you may want to seek counseling, too, so you can better understand relationships. be well, :-)

Answer 2

There is never EVER a justifiable excuse for abuse of any sort. I truly hope you believe that. All married couples know how to push each others buttons and get the others goat. Most of us share responsibility when it comes to major differences, fights, etc. That does not mean that verbal and emotional abuse is ever an okay way to go about handling it! I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time and I truly wish you all the best. You are in my prayers. Do surf the internet for support. Dr. Phil.com has an incredible message board for abusive marriages and the women on there are a great support to one another. I know because I used to be one but have happily been on the other side of divorce for some time now. Please don't go through this alone.

Answer 3

it sounds to me like he is frustrated, I don't mean sexually.
there are two things you can do:
one, become more careful with budgeting the family money.
two, be cheerful.
it's hard to stay angry at someone who is cheerful, friendly, and caring.
in time, he will lose his anger and you will start feeling better too.
They say that actions speak louder than words, so it would probably be a good idea to lay off making promises and plans you can't follow through on. Let him adjust to the idea of looking at what you have done rather than what you've failed to do.
If he demands to hear from you what you intend to do, you can defuse that by saying you're tired of making promises you can't keep. Tell him what will happen will happen, and you don't want to set up tension and possible future arguments by setting out goals until you've actually started doing something. Hopefully he can take the hint to back off a little.
I read an old-fashioned thing that said a man needs ten to twenty minutes alone when he arrives home from work. He can take his shoes off and gather his thoughts before being deluged by the family activities. You could try that.

Answer 4

First of all hun, you need to talk to a real person.. A family member or close friend. I know it may be hard for you to do as alot of women who are in the same circumstances are you in lead the rest of the world to believe that your marriage is flawless & feel that they are to blame. A man who is emotionally & verbally abusive has no excuses. HE is the one with the problem & to be honest, men like him don't change. You need to try & focus on what you want out of life & think of your children. You may think that staying with him is in your childrens best interest, but can they hear what he says to you? Can they sense that you are unhappy? Children notice these things more then you think they do.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I hope you find the courage to get through this & do what is right for you & your children..

Answer 5

Get out NOW! you need to go to a woman's shelter, or move in w/ family ASAP. There is absolutely NO excuse to be abuse no matter how annoying the other person is. He has you where he wants you. He has manipulated you so you put it on yourself and so you don't leave...He's good. Now that you know this, you need to leave! He will not change. If you want to try therapy w/him you need to move out FIRST. then while not living together go to therapy. And after you think everything is better you need to wait 6mo-1yr to move back in together. You now are responsible for two small children. That should be your biggest concern. It is MUCH better not to have a father than to have an abusive one and watch your mom suffer.
My father was very verbally abusive to my mother and it VERY much effects me today. The painful memories will never go away.
Ask yourself this question. Do you want your children to be in marriages like the one you are in? GET OUT NOW!
My heart goes out to you and I really hope you decide to leave and create a better environment for your children and yourself. If you would like to talk more feel free to e-mail me.

Answer 6

Don't beat yourself up, sweetheart, some men are just assholes.Maybe your marriage was good in the beginning, and life didn't work out like either of you planned it. The difference is , he's acting like a baby and taking it out on you, or he wants to change his life and start over by driving you away. Then, when you leave,[and you should!]he'll cry and snivel about how he wants you back but don't listen, because he's already shown his true colors.It may be a blessing in disguise, because it's your chance to start over too, though it'll be difficult as a single mother.But trust me, you can do better.It's not your fault,you guys are a partnership that he's re-negging on by treating you that way.he'll never change and won't be happy with him.

Answer 7

I feel bad for your kids. The fact is you are raising them in an abusive home and letting them know that it is ok to be treated like that. They are going to grow up and make the same mistakes that you are right now unless you set a good example yourself. Get out.

Answer 8

he's responsible for it 50% for being so abusive (regardless of his justification, he still had to choose & make a decision to be so. you think that's his only choice? why choose to behave in ways that are destructive, disrespectful & part of the problem, not the solution?)
and you are 50% responsible (not for what you've done) because you choose to stay in this abusive relationship!!!
you will have a clearer, more accurate take on what's best for you if you are living in, at the very least, neutral environment. hopefully, nurturing!
its the tougher, more resposible road. that's why its best for you. you will grow.
now, love yourself to your utmost & do the tough thing, the right thing.
remember, your children will look at your relationships to model their concept of "love" to use in their relationships. do not let them grow up thinking that love includes abuse: verbal, mental, physical.

Answer 9

Life has many Up's an Downs but being abusive in any form is un called for...... Calling U names and putting U down helps no situation get better.......IT's NOT YOUR FAULT

Answer 10

You are most definitely in an abusive relationship and you are most definitely exhibiting all of the signs of an abused person: self doubt, self blame, ambivalence, and wishful thinking that if YOU CHANGE, HE WILL CHANGE, and your marriage will be wonderful. Sweetie, this is not the case and it won't ever be.

Verbally abusive people are successful in their ability to slowly and very carefully wear down our self esteem by blaming us for everything. The sun is not out, but it is your fault. He got a stain on his pants from eating a hot dog, but it's your fault that the laundry detergent didn't get it out because, well, YOU bought the wrong detergent. Your kids are screaming because you are a bad mother, and so on and on and on, until we actually begin to believe that yes, we are bad people, and yes, we are the cause of all of our marital problems. We think that if we fix ourselves (by wearing the clothes HE likes, putting on the makeup HE likes, or worse, by keeping our own mouths shut and our opinions to ourselves so we don't make him explode) that this will cure what ails the marriage. It won't. The problem is HIM because he has SERIOUS issues with his own self worth (I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't abused himself) and to mollify his own self hatred, he reduces YOU to feeling like YOU are worth nothing on this earth and offer nothing to anyone. He blames YOU because by doing so he absolutely does not have to take responsibility for HIS sickening actions, nor does he have to get off his butt and get to counseling to WORK ON HIS ISSUES.

You buy into and believe his notions because his need to call you names, put you down and scream at you has dangerously LOWERED your self esteem. Of course it would. No normal person can withstand constant put downs and verbal assignations on who they are as a person. He has worn you down so much you've convinced yourself that all the things you haven't done (like getting a job, going back to school, losing weight etc) or the things you have (like nagging a little) are the root causes of your marital problems. You aren't the problem. He is.

In all relationships we all are, to a degree, equal participants in what goes right and what goes wrong in our relationships. The problem with an abusive marriage is that there is a huge imbalance of power with one taking no responsibility for their contributions and the other being held responsible for everything. This is NOT NORMAL. No person can be held responsible for everything - both people are, but your husband can't handle that, so it is real easy for him to dump on you. He doesn't have the courage to face himself and grow up.

He doesn't want to go to counseling sweetie because it will force him to look at himself, and he really doesn't want to. What you must do is go to counseling on YOUR OWN and get out of this marriage. It is not a healthy one, and it will get worse. Trust me, it will. So deal with it now - get out, work on healing yourself and have a healthy life for yourself and your kids. Life is too short to stay in something so unhealthy and staying there forever will guarantee a sad life for you. Do it for you and your kids.