I wrote this song (rap).tell me if it is good (im only 15)?

Question

Chorus

You used to be a balla

Then you wrecked yo Impala

You’re name used to light in beams

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

You used to love this girl

She used to be your entire world

When you used to see her face, it was like it gleamed

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

You used to be a gangsta but now yo clean

Then one day you got caught in the streets.

The gangsta used to be part of yo team

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

Verse

There was this guy

And it came to his surprise

He was walking in the park

But when he came into the dark

He noticed that he heard sounds

After that he hit the ground

He tried to breathe and run away

But he would end up in the hospital that very next day

Then the doctor said he had survived

It was a miracle that he would even be alive

When they figured out who had done this

He could barely believe it

He couldn’t see it

And everybody knows he wouldn’t be it

After that day

His brother got locked away



Chorus

You used to be a balla

Then you wrecked yo Impala

You’re name used to light in beams

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

You used to love this girl

She used to be your entire world

When you used to see her face, it was like it gleamed

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

You used to be a gangsta but now yo clean

Then one day you got caught in the streets.

The gangsta used to be part of yo team

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

Verse

Out in the streets there was an upcoming star

He had to play on courts outside bars

He could dunk, dribble, rebound and shoot

Other ballers had to look out when he came to the hoop

One day there was a there was someone in the crowd

He didn’t know it then, but that guy would help him out

He played his best that game and the guy in the crowd was a scout

That day launched his new career

And he didn’t have any fear

About being a big name baller

Like Vince Carter

But one day he was cruisin down the streets

And his, and another car had to meet

He was injured badly

And it was so sadly

That he had to retire from basketball

It’s so amazing how you could fall

He would had an amazing life

But now he has to stay in the streets with his wife

This is the story of a true baller

And how is life went from large to smaller

Chorus

You used to be a balla

Then you wrecked yo Impala

You’re name used to light in beams

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

You used to love this girl

She used to be your entire world

When you used to see her face, it was like it gleamed

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

You used to be a gangsta but now yo clean

Then one day you got caught in the streets.

The gangsta used to be part of yo team

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams)

Answer 1

Dat mess is Krunk Maine!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep writing !!! Maybe ill see you on BET one day!!!!!!! Or hear dat song on da radio!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

First of all im feeling the fact that you're only 15 and you got that much promise and potential. I'm an urban literature writer/hip hop fiction and I am the biggest hip hop heads ever. The hook is catchy and its important that a song doesnt just ryhme it has to make some sense, yours does. Keep grindin it out young'n maybe you'll be performing in Madison Square Garden one day. Dont ever let anyone diss you, if they dissin you they thinking about you so remember that. Not many people can do what you do. Stay focused~much love~ 2beautiful4wordz

Answer 3

It has potential. When you are scribing, try to avoid simplistic rhyming structures such as AABB (the structure you have used above: e.g.
you used to be a balla (A)

Then you wrecked yo Impala (A -- rhymes with first line)

You’re name used to light in beams (B)

But now it’s just (Shattered Dreams) (B)


Read some classic poetry (such as Wilfred Owen and William Blake) and look at the structures they use. Those could give you some fresh ideas which will make your songs sound less cliched.

Answer 4

I like the overall message and it's very original. Definitely different from the rap artists today. However I think your rhyming and phrasing needs work. As I read it I can't help but imagine the guy from Malibu's most wanted singing it. But for a 15 year old, not bad.

Answer 5

i'm fifteen also. parts of it were good and other parts need to be adjusted in my opinion... ofcourse i wouldn't be able to let you know completely because i didn't HEAR you i only read it ya' know. But i like raps that have consistent syllables with a little twist here and there. and trust me i know my music, I was picked to sing at the Apollo last summer... Oh and by the way. Posting your original work on the web is not a very good idea. Suppose that somebody big thought it was really good but the person they got it from wasn't you...it was somebody who copy and pasted it to word...attached their name and printed it out... Watch that!! I'm bein for real...

RyRy*

Answer 6

I actually like the chorus, it was really good! :-) ...but i didn't really like the verses...you started out talking about a girl in the chorus which was cool...but then u were talkin about being shot up in the park and ur bro being locked up...it just seemed off/weird or something...the chorus is really cool tho u should keep the chorus...work on the rest! good luck...maybe u'll be famous someday!?! :-)

Answer 7

its not bad for your age. a little cliched and simplistic, but shows potential. keep pushing yourself and try to write something new and different from what you have heard before. be creative, open yourself to deeper topics and emotions and try to work in some tricky, offbeat words or phrasings. dont be afraid to hit the dictionary or an online rhyming engine and boost your vocabulary, it will make your raps more exciting and interesting.

Answer 8

sounds good! keep rappin and write everyday, soon you will find what is called the zone. once you get in the zone you will know it. if you dont use it you will lose it. if you are 15, when you rap everyday research and learn the business. without it you will get @#!%ed when you do get in. dont let no dicourage u. not everyone makes it. but when you get good, make a demo and shop it, shop it to everyone who will listen. dj's rappers ect. if its your dream, you might make it. good luck and dont let nothing stop u.

Answer 9

t's okay for your age, BUT
the subject is too clichê, the last thing the wordld needs is another rap about this
and the rhyme scheme is too typical. you can almost predict the next words because the vocabulary is so common. branch out! check out www.rhymezone.com for more interesting word to rhyme. idk how many times 'girl' has been rhymed with 'world' but it's WAY to much. keep workin though, the arts are important!

Answer 10

Hey if the song has a good beat why not. I am a rapper myself. Good luck!

Answer 11

You defintely got talent, and your rap is really good. For a 15 year old guy, i'm really impressed.