My fiance asked me once if I had herpes. Is that a insensitve question?

Question

We are both in our 30's. And I have never had sex with anyone. He was the first guy I fooled around with. When he was touching me down there it hurt. So he asked me if I had herpes. Then I was very offended for him asking such a question. He said it could be conjenital. But my parents were virgins before they got married. I am East Indian and my fiance is White. In my culture it is inapproperate for unmarried people to have sexual intercourse or even fool around. So I was hurt when he asked me that. He mentioned to me one time that when he was in high school his girl friends sister had herpes and she was a virgin. And that's why he asked me if I had herpes. He appologized for being insensitive and we got enaged a month later. He is a great guy in every way. He is loving, he is very encouraging, affectionate, a great cook etc, etc. But him asking me this question really hurt my feelings. So am I over reacting? Is it a normal question a guy should ask?

Answer 1

yes you are overreacting. you shouldn't be offended by the question since you have consented to fooling around with him. he assumed that since you were fooling around, you have sexual experience before. in any case, cultural sensitivity applies not only to you but also to your fiance. understand where he is coming from. aim not only to be understood but also to understand your fiance. good luck. cheers!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

'It's a normal question from his perspective since if he's American, since here are public areas are not always the Cleanest and as for herpes though "It is almost impossible to catch genital herpes from toilet seats, restroom towels, or other inanimate objects" it's not something that COULD NOT happen, so it's not that he's was probably implying if you had Sex, he was asking if there was any way you have been tested for that STD to prove that you don't have it, it's ALSO not the FIRST thing he should ask, with your history of NO SEX whatsoever, and it shows he may have some trust issues, because when a woman has pain down there, it can be any number of things, fright, nervousness, lack of sensitivity/gentleness on the part of the man, vaginismus and other things...he should not have drown straight to that conclusion but it's his background (the experience he explained) and also American CULTURE that made him think you may not be aware of a possible exposure, a young virgin woman, Kimberly Bergalis, claimed to have contracted the HIV virus from her dentist and she died from it in 1991. He may just be concerned. It's only in your best interests to get checked out for STDs since HPV and some others can be contracted much easier than Herpes from a public restroom or such. But, your fiance, needs to get himself a clean STD-Free Bill of Health to you as he (from what you imply) was no virgin. But yes, STDs are things that we all need get checked/vaccinated for if at all possible.

Answer 4

Insensitive, yes, and no. Genital herpes is no big deal until it is time to deliver a child. Then if the woman is having a herpes outbreak, it puts her child at a risk for neurological disorders. In those who are not of child bearing age, it is not big thing....genital herpes is like a little cold sore on your bottom...sensitive for a week or so, but salves ease the discomfort. Most women infect themselves with oral herpes in the genital area by moistening a tampon with their saliva before insertion when they are getting a cold sore. In the 80's there were front cover articles on Time and Newsweek on how awful herpes was -- then the AID virus broke out and suddenly herpes was a nuttin' -- the news media must needed something to write about for awhile. Most people have oral herpes (90%) by the time they are three, since adults are always talking at their faces, and spraying infected saliva on the lip or mouth or eye of a child. Some adults are more prone to constant cold sores than others -- you surely have friends who even have lip scars where the virus repeatedly occurrs in one particular area. The virus stays in the system for your whole life. Chicken pox is a herpes virus, and reappears often in older adults as shingles, very painful. Curiously, those adults who as young adults stay in constant contact with kids (the resavoir of chickenpox) have fewer incidents of shingles than those individuals who aren't around children until they suddenly become grandparents. It was a rather insensitive question, because he probably felt herpes was a big deal. --- it just isn't , except, again, if a lady is having an outbreak on delivery day....

Answer 5

No its not normal at all to the people who have morals. These people who live UK or USA (THE WEST) to sleep around is part of there culture under the pretext of sexual freedom so its normal for them, just like how animals sleep with any females or males they see, so the western people do that too and its gone soo out of control they even start to sleep with there sisters, mothers (Incest) with little kids and babies (peadophelia) and now they sleep with animals (BEAST) infact there is a state in america where a man was allowed to marry to his horse lool so now its legalised. Tell me where does it stop? well for the western world it didnt so it went and continued until they started doing the most horrific things like the few I have mentioned above. These people missuse the word freedom, and because of it they do what ever they like and to make it worse they have NO guidance from faith and there for they are lost people and left in the dark. So the best thing for you to do dear is show him the door.

Answer 6

It is not an insensitive question usually, but he should have asked that before he fooled around with you. And I am against people fooling around before they are married. And I live in the United States. I hope this helps.

Answer 7

You were going against your cultural norms when you fooled around with him, so I wouldn't fault him for asking a question aimed at protecting himself. I used to teach sex ed classes on college campuses and it never ceased to amaze me that people never asked about their partners' medical/sexual history and then were shocked when they got a disease.

Answer 8

Forget it now b/c it's over. However, it was insensitive for him to ask you that way in that circumstance. Sounds like it was accusatory and untimely. People should not talk abt goshdarn STD's while they are in the act!

Answer 9

He had a reason to ask (you were hurting). People have a right to know SOMETHING about the sexual past of their partners. The only way to know is to ask.
That was a long time ago, and you should let go of it.

Answer 10

sounds like he was just concerned, not trying to be insensitive. it doesn't appear as though he was trying to insult you or that it had anything to do with cutting down your cultural beliefs. i wouldn't worry about it too much. it was just a question, and he seems to have dropped it, so i'd just let it go too.