How do I become more assertive and not aggressive with people?

Answer 1

Being aggressive has more to do with telling other people how they should feel or act-- being assertive is letting others know how you wish to be treated. If you keep in mind that you are worthwhile and your opinions have value, you can be assertive. Remembering that others are just as worthwhile will keep you from getting aggressive

Answer 2

I also have had this problem. The key things to remember are to stand up for yourself without putting others down. It's okay to say exactly how you feel and let people take it how they will; you can't ALWAYS be concerned with the feelings of others. Also, it is possible to assert yourself without intimidating people; you should state your case and leave it at that. When you try to defend your position, it's too easy to get into an argument or become defensive. Hope this helps...!

Answer 3

You can try interpersonal effectiveness skills, which are part of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). It was designed for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it can be used by anyone (I am not suggesting that you have BPD, just wanted to put that out there). Interpersonal effectiveness skills teach you how to be assertive, to try and get what you want, and to be able to accept not getting everything that we wish for (it's a simple reality, we don't always get everything).

Answer 4

You practice a few stock phrases to express your displeasure with certain situations. That way you don't have to struggle for something to saying when you're trying to both assert yourself and avoid losing your temper. "I'm sorry, this is unacceptable." Works for sending back food in a restaurant... dry cleaning that still has a stain... or any time you're receiving poor service. "I'm afraid that won't work for me." Great for appointments that won't work for your schedule or suggestions you're not going to take.

Answer 5

There are training programs called assertiveness training.

Either you read a book about that and train for yourself or you go to the behaviour therapist, who will support you.

Answer 6

When you want to say something important, don't hold back, just say it. As long as you aren't forcing opinons and statements down other people's throats, you should feel more assertive by saying what you want.

Answer 7

Be polite but straight forward and PERSISTANT.

Answer 8

I haven't done any reading on this subject or anything. But to me, based on my own experience, the key is: “Don't get defensive.”

If you get defensive, you either withdraw and shut down (i.e., don't assert yourself), or you go on the counter-attack (become aggressive). If you attack the other person back, you generally shut down discussion. You also deprive yourself of any wiggle room in case you change your mind later and realize that the other person might have been right after all--at the very least, you'll be required to apologize to them in order to be fair to them and give them what they wanted in the first place.

When I think of the best testing ground for good use of assertiveness without aggressiveness, I think of a middle-level boss. He's catching grief on all sides: from griping subordinates, whiny clients who need the services of his team, and his own irritable bosses who are pushing him with demands of their own. Thus, when I need a guide for handling a situation, I think back to some past bosses of my own who seemed able keep it together under pressure--I model myself after bosses who stayed cool and calm under pressure and kept a good sense of humor no matter what.

As for myself, I'm pretty good with bosses and clients. If they make impossible requests, I say, “Yes, we can do that. But here is what we'll need in additional resources in order to get it done.” When they admit that they can't provide those resources, at that point I give them some doable alternatives. I try to give them a couple different ideas and let them choose among them, so that they retain a sense of control. They can still control the design of the project by deciding for themselves what's more important to them, such as deciding whether to maintain a tight deadline at the expense of quality versus getting high quality at the expense of moving the deadline back. If they need explanations as to why a certain goal can't be achieved, I provide them a full explanation of how our resources work.

In short, I try to set up a negotiating dynamic, with me asserting myself as the specialist who knows best what's doable and what's not. I keep my hand in the game, but I also yield them the final decision (once I've defined the basic parameters). It's a pretty good way to go back and forth without attacking or particularly feeling attacked.

If I get into a squabble with a client or a boss and I feel attacked, I remind myself that I'm representing *my position* as boss of a team, and not *myself*. So I don't take the attack personally and get defensive. I assert the rights of *my position* rather than try to defend *myself.* If a client is giving me grief, I remind the client that I'm just executing policy as defined by my own boss, and that if he wants to question the policy, he'll have to check with my boss.

If it's my boss who's giving me grief, on the other hand, then I point out that I'm just acting in accordance with his own policy and I give him the opportunity to change or reinterpret the policy.

With subordinates, it's a bit trickier. We're in each other's face all day, some of them may be testing me to see if I'll yield to them in small ways, and then there's the purely personal factor--a couple of them may just rub me the wrong way. But I try to follow roughly the same rules with subordinates as with clients. Give them a fair hearing, try to give them some alternatives to choose among, etc. When it comes to a real clash, I remind myself that I'm representing *my position,* and that I shouldn't let it get personal. Sometimes my position requires me to stand my ground and say “no,” and it's up to them to understand that it's not personal. But I can also promise to give the idea some more thought and get back to the subordinate later, and even discuss some ideas for change with my boss.

If I make the mistake of allowing these conflicts to involve *me* personally, I'll get defensive and things will get heated. But if I remember that my responses reflect *my position,* it's easier to keep cool, not take things personally, and control and channel the conflict into acceptable pathways.

With friends and family, it gets a little trickier. I'm not representing a formal “position” (other than maybe the position of big brother or son or close friend), so conflict may hit closer to home and cause me to feel that I personally am coming under attack. But in general I try to be expansive and honest and talk things out. If I feel that the other person is being importunate and just trying to win a point, on the other hand, then I may retreat to a *position* posture and act with them as I might with an importunate subordinate, i.e., give them a fair hearing and then promise I'll think about it or give them a flat “no” based on the exigencies of my *position* (and the nature of my *position* will likely depend on the nature of the importunity).

And so on. One more thing. When things go a little sour and conflict or tension arises, I remind myself who *me* is. That is, at times of stress I remind myself that the conflict involves *my position* and not *me.* I also remind myself that *me* is someone different, someone not involved in the problems at the office. For example, *me* is the person who will be going out ballroom dancing with my wife tonight. It helps clarify what's at stake in conflict at the office or elsewhere. Or more importantly, it helps clarify what's *not* at stake---me.

Here's a little affirmation that I keep on my daily task list (adapted a bit) that sums up these points:

"Don't react to provocations and importunities. Be guided by boundaries (rules of the road), self-image (who *I* am), and principles (who *they* are). With passing adversaries, I am the oblivious non-participant. With importunate subordinates, I'm the tough but fair boss. With friends and coworkers, I don't exhibit chilly defensiveness; I'm expansive, explain at length, ask a question in return. I don't carry grievances; I use humor and self-confidence. I don't wind up tight; I stay open to a chance surprise or a humorous moment. I'm all about ballroom dance."

I would tend to call these things “leadership principles.” But the idea of assertiveness without aggressiveness (i.e., achieving your goals and still being fair to the people around you) is very much at the heart of good leadership.

The position of a middle manager is fairly rules-based. You (the asker of a question) may have had in mind something else like family conflict. But a rules-based approach may help clarify the issues a bit and provide some new avenues for conflict resolution in other settings as well.

Good luck!

Answer 9

THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there you go, this should help!