My mom is no longer wearing her wedding ring after the death of my dad, help?

Question

My dad died in January as a result of an accident. It upsets me now that my mom isn't wearing her wedding ring anymore. I understand that she needs to have closure, but I can't help but me angry and somewhat depressed. I need some advice. Thanks.

Answer 1

First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your father. This is such a sad, difficult time for all of you. It hurts. I know.

You didn't mention the state of your parents' marital relationship while he was alive. If they didn't have the strongest marriage, then taking off her ring is her way of moving forward. She won't have as long a grieving period as you will. There may have been some problems in the marriage that you weren't aware of. It isn't your place to know of them nor is it your place to judge your father or your mother. It is between them.

But let's assume they had a good, strong and loving marriage. Taking off her wedding ring might be a way of trying to hold herself together and move forward without the constant sad reminder of his absence.

In either case, please don't let her actions bring you sadness or more grief. You cannot control how someone else grieves (or doesn't grieve). Sometimes, we find it easier to direct our anger, which is a phase of the normal grieving process, at someone else. In this case, your mother is providing a good target. However, it will create more problems if you choose to pick on her. Your father is no longer here on earth. You will need and want your mother in your life, and you will want a good relationship with her.

Grieve in your own way. Let her grieve in hers. And, know that you will feel a deeper, longer, unbreakable attachment to your father because you are his child and flesh and blood. No one can replace him. A widow or widower may find another spouse...for various reasons.

People divorce. They don't divorce their children.

My wonderful father, my beloved grandmother and my precious son died within one year of each other. Although I know that there is life after death and that I will be reunited with them once again, the truth is that being separated from them--even for a short time--is painful. Although we move on with our lives (we don't really have a choice. Time marches on) there will always be a pain, a longing, a missing them in my heart.

That is why I feel for you deeply. The good news is that you will see him again. And although you can't "see" him, if you listen closely to your dreams and those quiet whisperings, you will hear him and feel him nearby. He will be watching over you always. I know this to be true. I have experienced this many times.

Please carry on with your own life and be happy. Your father will want this. Take all the good memories, advice, lessons he gave you and in this way, his life and legacy will live on in you and your children.

Hold on to him...but, if needed, let your mother let him go...

And hope for all good things. :)

Answer 2

Evidently she understands that the marriage relationship is only for this life, that in the hereafter people will not marry(1). The state of her ring finger reflects her understanding of the reality of the situation: that she is no longer married, she is no longer bound by wedding vows(2).

It is another matter how to honor your father's memory. And she may not feel the need to honor it in any outwardly visible way. But this does not mean she does not do it. Have you tried talking to her about what ways you can as a family honor his memory?

Of course this is a very sensitive matter, as I'm sure you realize. You will want to avoid condemning her - that would only make the loss much more difficult for her to bear.

But the bottom line is this: You'll probably only find out what's really going on in her mind if you ask.

Answer 3

I am sorry for your loss. Each of us feels the pain of death differently. When you lose someone you love suddenly and unexpectedly, your world is turned upside down. When it is a parent, the world can seem less safe. When it is your partner, it can seem like the world is crumbling. Husbands and wives share responsibilities. And when one dies, it throws the full burden on the other--paying bills, doing taxes, etc. There is no shoulder to turn to for comfort. The bed is now empty. Losing a husband or wife is like losing a part of yourself. Sometimes, you can be angry with them; feeling like they died intentionally just to punish you and you hurt even more. "Fine, you left me, well I'll leave you!"--and off comes the wedding ring. It doesn't mean the love isn't there, but there is still the hurt and sense of being alone to cope with life. I have found that the more love there is, the more intense the response.

Give your mother time. Give her support and talk with each other about your dad. This is what he would being doing now. Work together as a family to celebrate his memory and start to build new traditions that respect that memory.

Take time to write down your own thoughts and feelings. Are you angry with your dad? Sometimes we think about the things we said and didn't mean ... or what we meant to say and didn't. Our own feelings make us sensitive. Losing someone we love is hard. We must be more loving of those living, including ourselves.

In time, life gets on and the world lightens up. But everyone is in pain, hurting and being angry in their own ways. It's often when we pull away that we most need arms to embrace us. I hope this helps. Be there for each other.

Answer 4

I know how you feel. I was devestated when my dad quit wearing his ring when my mom died. There is a time when a widow has to let go. Wearing the ring keeps your mom feeling attached to your dad. It's her way of starting to let go and move on with her life. It's important that she do that. She can't grieve forever and you shouldn't want her too. It's been 7 months now and what she's doing is healthy. Maybe you should talk to your mom so you can understand how she feels. I'm sure she will tell you that she's not forgetting him but but just moving out of her grief.

Condolences.

Answer 5

You're going to have to understand that life goes on. Your mom and dad's wedding vows included "till death do us part". What would you think if your mom got a boyfriend? Would you hate him? Sorry for your loss, but remember you mom is still alive, and needs love and affection. Just try to accept that the only thing that is constant in life is change. You may wind up with a step-dad one day, and it's not right for you to hate him, or your mom. Don't be like that....your mom is hurt too, but she deserves a life also. It may take a while to get used to, but welcome the change with open arms....best of luck to you.......

Answer 6

You should understand that she has to do what works for her. They had a relationship as man and woman that had nothing at all to do with you. Taking her ring off doesn't mean she's forgotten about him or doesn't still love him. It means she needs to make this move for herself. You two need to be there for each other and not take this grieving process personally.

**I know someone that took his ring off 1 year after his wife's death and then after awhile he put it back on because he realized he wasn't ready to let go yet.

Answer 7

Your dad was your mother's husband. People grieve in different ways. Don't undermine the way your mother feels and add to her problems, down the road take her out for a cup of coffee and just ask her why after a year she removed her wedding band.

Answer 8

My best friend's friend father had just died. And to this, maybe wearing the wedding ring would bring painful memories to her. Just give it some time. But have you tried sitting down and talking to her about why she doesnt wear it?

Answer 9

I am so sorry for your lost. But everyone has a different way of grieving for a love one. Neither way is right or wrong. But why you are spending your time being mad at her what you need to be doing is becoming close to her. Because I am quit sure that she needs you more than you think that you need her. And ask her why did she remove it if it is bothering you so much.

Answer 10

You need to focus in your life more. I understand its hard but u need to let ur father rest in peace. I think he would be happy to see ur mother moving on. You need to stop being selfish. I dont want to sound mean with you but maybe if you start by focusing in u a little more that would help. When u grow up u will anderstand. I think it must be hard for your mother also so help her by understanding her. Remember that if you respect her she will respect you later when u wont want to get judged.