How do you get a marriage of 9yrs to work? when your husband has ever been violent from the 2nd wk after wedng

Question

He has beaten me up uncountable times for 9yrs today. He bullies me into doing things,even making love when I feel listless and down. He does not want to know what I do to cope with caring for our 3 children of age 6, 4, & 2. Even though Iam a full time student as well. He is fond of saying 'I don't care' whenever I made my concerns known to him 'cos he expect me not to inconvinient him with my life and children's time scheldule. I have wanted to leave many times and even wished he had walked out on me but it is difficult each time I think about his and my familly and how to cope alone with the children.I don't love him anymore and he does not love me either gudging from his attitude towards me moreover he has said it. He want me to be home and not have a carrier and I should be financially responssible as much as he is. He earns £1500. after tax and I recieve £600. as bussary from govt.and I pay for childecare he paysmortgage of £523.We share food expences.He says packngo durg.argumt.

Answer 1

I'm sorry love the same happened to me stand up for Ur self and if he stays the same leave u cant live in fear !

Answer 2

You really do need to get yourself & your children away from this creature!! He doesn't realise how difficult it is to look after children look after the house, and study, all with no help. Bullying you into 'making love' is a form of rape, and it's not love, it's just sex to him & he's using you for his own gratification without a thought for you. Yes, it is difficult to leave, but there are hostels and refuges where you can take your children & be protected from this violent bully. Go see a solicitor - a divorce court would more than likely give you the house because you look after the children & order your husband to leave. As for money - he would have to pay maintenance for you and the children and more than likely he'd have to pay at least half of the mortgage. On top of this you could claim benefits from the government. If he continues being violent towards you, get a restraining order or an injunction from the police to keep him away. If he breaks these orders, he will go to prison. You will eventually find someone who loves you & respects you for who you are, not treats you like some kind of slave. Take your children & leave, for their sakes if not your own. Once you have taken that first step, things will be difficult, but will get easier day by day. Good Luck to you & your children.

Answer 3

Money and security are the reasons we used thirty years ago to stay with violent men. Everybody knows those answers don't fly any more.

Rent the movie, "The Burning Bed." In the end, the woman set her husband afire in his bed, because she couldn't take it any more. If you can't find the video, read the book.

There is also a book called "When I Love You Turns Violent." It talks about the patterns of abuse and how men don't actually lose control. Their violence is planned and they know exactly what they are doing. Abuse is a form of control.

It sounds like you're living that life. Seeing it on a television screen or reading it in a book might give you a different perspective and help you get your head together so you can leave.

Do you have some version of Women Helping Women in your area. They can help you.

Answer 4

I have been in an abusive relationship for 13 years - not violent (bar one occasion), but abusive... You will realise that you can't control his actions, you can only control your own... By staying in this relationship you are telling your children that it is ok for him to treat you this way... It is time to move on... If you had said you loved him still, I would have said get out, get safe and get him in therapy. You don't even love him so it is time to move on...

Before you go, have a chat with a solicitor. Get to know your rights, see citizens advice if you can, if you have friends and family that can help then talk to them first too... Get your support network in place first... In the end you know you have to ask - reaching out here is really about seeking validation - so I think that you have already made the decision and just need a nudge...

All I can say, is prepare yourself as well as you possibly can first; but act soon, you should not stay there in that relationship...

Answer 5

You will cope without him and having your 3 children. Get into a refuge. You deserve better than this sh*t.

GET RID OF HIM. Leave Tonight or tomorrow when he is at work. Take the day off sick and leave. F**k it. Nothing can be worse than what you are going through.

Just because he is your husband , it does not give him the right to rape you either. GET RID OF HIM. Don't be afraid. You can do it . There are places and people to help you. Speak to your local council. They will know where you can go for help.

PLEASE for the sake of your children if nothing else. If you have sons, they will grow up just like him if you are not careful.

Answer 6

Wow,How can a woman with 3 kids stay with a man that beats on her daily?You said that you dont love him and he doesnt love you.So why stay when there is no love in the marriage.Plus why would you want your kids to see that their dad beats up on their mom.There is no reason why he should hit you.I cant see why are you staying with him.After he would have put his hands on me the first time i would have left him.

I hope to god that you wake up and see that the way this is going is that one day he may not stop and end up killing you.Then what are your kids going to do.You need to put the kids first in this.They dont need to see this.In the long run,they are the ones that will hurt from all of this.Why dont you leave him and stay with family untill you can get on your own feet.Where you live there is no help you can get with the goverment untill you can work everything out.

I hope that you think long and hard at what is going on and try to better your life for your kids life.Living like this is not good for anyone.Please get the help for your kid and yourself.If you would ever like to chat look me up.Good Luck and God Bless....

Answer 7

Honey,
Why would you want this marriage to work.
You said it yourself, the two of you don't love each other anymore and if he has put his hands on you then it doesn't seem like he ever has truely loved you, I don't know how the two of you have made it nine years. It will be hard to do it on your own, but it can be done. You have three good reasons to leave. A six year old. A four year old and A two year old. Need I say more.

Answer 8

is it better for you to be alone than to be with this man??? if the emotin is not there, if your life is in danger, if hge tretens you you better leave him.
you have no business staying with a man that does not love or respect or care for you.

biblicly this is ok if he is a treat for your life.

you have tro answer the question: will i be better off without him or with him? also for the children the same question.

if he does not want to improve and be atleast normal, not abusive and caring for his wife and children, you have a right to leave him immediately. give him last warning, and go. 9 years mean you did already all you had to do to make it work.
he has no right to make love with you when you do not want it volunteraly. is he forces you that is called rape even in teh family.
it is wrong, but you can not controll him with sex eather. because your body is his, his is yours. but everything should be in mutual respect and agreement.
do not be afraid to leave. sometimes the greatest dark is just before the daw rises.
sometimes you can not make it work. you can make olny your part work. if you show him love, even if he does not deserve it, that is the only way to make him change to you. do not expect change form him first. you can never change him! love can never be demanded!

god bless you! sometimes the broken bottel will never be the same! as it was and you can glue it with super glue as many times as you want. but pray and go to God for a miracle.
i know a communist alcoholic that became a christian and was before devorce, but now has a beautiful family and is such a great example for me! his name is asen hristov. or revassen, find him on yahoo and talk to him please, he is available and he is a pastor, my best friend with a true shoking story of dramatic change that really happend.
he will also advice you best.

with respect and thanks for asking,
stefan staykov
theologian

Answer 9

Sounds like you are building a future for your self. Is there any reason for you to stay? He is a controlling manipulating bast**d.
Document the times he has beat you. Start to take pictures of the bruises or scars and show your friends so they can corroborate
your story. Is your father still alive? Is there not any man that you know that would stand up to him. Get out of the house. You should press charges and get a restraining order. What happens with the children? Does he beat them? If they grow up in that enviroment if they are boys they will beat their women. For God sake get out.
Sue him if you can! God help you woman. Take care of yourself!

Answer 10

Been there done that...get out with ur kids and start again. You and the kids will be better off...believe me. It's tough getting out on ur own...but not as tough as living in a loveless and abusive marriage. You gotta think of ur kids first. You will manage without him, you just think you can't cos he's got u so low.

Have u any friends or family u can turn to? If not phone the nearest womens shelter and they will help you get back on ur feet. In answer to your question....u can't ever get it to work. And if you find the strength to leave him, don't fall for any sob stories off him.

Take care of yourself and ur kids. Good luck. x

Answer 11

If he has been abusing you for 9 years & you are still there & still want it to work then you are enjoying it.
Don't say you are staying for the sake of the children because who is to say that he will not start beating them too.
For the sake of the kids you should be out of there. They will almost certainly carry emotional scars from seeing the kind of treatment you receive from your husband. In fact, they will probably think it is normal & will grow up to act like that in their own relationships.
Sorry to sould harsh but if you have not left after 9 years of abuse then it is the only way to get through to you.