WE have been talking about it lately but he keeps coming up with excuses like he doesnt want a tv in the bedroom and what if his kids ex wife dies and then they have to switch schools? He led me to believe that i s what he wanted and now he is making excuses. Is it wrong of me to think that maybe he wants to keep 2 separate lives- he doesnt invite me to family weddings, he doesnt allow me to take his daughters anywhere and there are other signs.
2006-07-16 06:20:51 · 17 answers · asked by wesbajar 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Don't ask us, ask him. Flat out, point blank. Then leave if you won't be happy with the answer, because you'll never be happy.
2006-07-16 06:23:43 · answer #1 · answered by Mark W 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to answer assuming the best about everyone involved, putting aside all suspicion.
Your beau is satisfied with the current situation - not married, not tied down by living together, etc. He's very guarded about his kids, not wanting to disrupt their lives. By not inviting you to family weddings, he is keeping an arms' length between your family and his. The silly parts about the TV in the bedroom and the ex-wife dieing are just sideshows to the main stage, which is -- he doesn't want any more commitment, and is willing to build sort of a moat around his family to keep you out.
Your decision is difficult - if you see yourself re-marrying in the future, this guy may not be the one. Or he may someday be the one, after his kids are out of high school, when they are less likely to suffer from the potential catastrophic disruption that would be caused if you 2 did marry and it failed. That would be a horrible situation.
So either accept where things are now, or find someone else. What you have now is a steady boyfriend. If things are otherwise great, value what you have.
You may want to look in the mirror and determine whether, and why, you really want to be married again.
2006-07-16 06:32:13 · answer #2 · answered by indiana_crank 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And you are still there why? If your goal is marriage, this one isn't it.... and for half a decade he has been telling you so by his actions. There's an old saying: "I hear what you say, but I see what you do, and I believe the latter...." believe it. You are not a big enough part of his life if you are not included in family affairs. (In fact, you are the "Jerk In Reserve". You can stay in this present situation, or bite the bullet and give him an ultimatum, knowing full well that it will then be over -- or most likely be. Prepare yourself. In your place, I'd be scouting around now for other companionship -- big time. If you like it the way it is, accept the fact that this guy will likely never wish to marry you. If marriage is your desire, you'll need to say so....end of relationship.
Now, you didn't ask this, but where do you find guys who are interested in marriage??? All of us are very busy with work, careers, children, yadayada. Try Yahoo personals, Match.com. It is where lots of nice people meet, (and some real crackpots too, just like the guy sitting next to you in church.) Be cautions, but, hey, nothing ventured, noting gained.
2006-07-16 07:43:49 · answer #3 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems to me he have too many excuses and problems. I think he may want to live 2 separate lives. Why is he worrying about his ex-wife if they have no dealings? I would think something is going on if he can't take me to family functions that they have. If you see signs, you better keep your eyes open because i would think he's messing around with someone. This is my opinion. And i think you know that. Don't be a fool. After 5 years y'all would've been living together. That's long enough to know each other to think about marriage. Simple he's cheating with someone.
2006-07-16 06:29:44 · answer #4 · answered by cilstubbs2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In this day and age commitment is difficult. I can sort of relate to your boyfriend in some ways. Having been divorced twice you get to be a bit gun shy. I think he may have a trust issue. It'll be hard to overcome, but if you want to be with this guy, then give it time. Work on those trust issues and show that you are different than the other(s).
2006-07-16 06:26:21 · answer #5 · answered by Eddie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be seriously concerned if my significant other of 5 years did not invite me to family events and put a halt to my attempts to integrate our families by refusing to allow me to take his kids anywhere in order to bond with them.
I would not move in with him until I knew where this was headed and what he really wanted out of the relationship.
2006-07-16 06:38:06 · answer #6 · answered by blueskies7890 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you have been with him for five years, then I am pretty confident that he does want you. Did he get burned by his ex-wife? If so, then perhaps he is just scared of it happening again. Of course he wouldn't admit it if he was, but I would imagine that is the problem. So to fix it, you will need to help him build his self confidence, if a man is confident, then nothing shall stand in his way. Hope this helps. :)
2006-07-16 06:27:02 · answer #7 · answered by Tweendasheetz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start the cycle over again. Perhaps after a few tries and a few more children you may find the answer. Then again, you may not. Regardless, keep on making kids. The US economy, the republicans, and Christians love it!
2006-07-16 06:59:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey hun i have been there myself you go with ur heart and what makes u feel right and when i split from my ex well i found all sorts i didnt know and learned my daughter had a half brother so u do whats right and smile while ur doing it, or the other thing is sit down and ask him why and look into his eyes, the eyes give it away.
2006-07-16 06:25:16 · answer #9 · answered by dundeelass02 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
girl drop him like a hot potato.and get out of that situation now.cause if i were him I'd be asking you to go every where with me.and i would also let you take my daughters some where.hes no good for you if he can't comet to a relationship.there is something defiantly wrong with that picture.sounds to me that he still kinda has feelings for his ex wife.if hes worried about her dieing and his kids changeing schools.good luck
2006-07-16 06:28:07 · answer #10 · answered by Angel sent from heaven 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he can't commit, you have to ask yourself what you are willing to accept. You CANNOT change him. He may give in if you badger him long enough, but is that really what you want? If you love him enough to accept seperate lives, great! If you want and need more, you need to keep looking. Expecting more from him than he can give is unfair to him and to you. Good luck!
2006-07-16 06:26:59 · answer #11 · answered by Desperate Mother 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋