we have this incredible connection and we both know that this type of thing only comes once in a lifetime, but, he doesn't want to give it up because he says it's too strong, yet, he chooses to stay unhappily married. I KNOW logically this is probably going no where..but, I can't seem to cut the ties either. UGH....don't know what to do.
2006-07-16 01:04:35 · 22 answers · asked by Lisa 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
okay people, first of all I appreciate your input, but, for those of you that think I seek out married men, your WRONG so save the insults. He sought me out and things just kinda happend. I have NEVER ever been with a married man before this. In fact, before this all happened I was adamantly against ANYONE stepping out of their marriage no matter what the reason.
2006-07-16 01:12:20 · update #1
no kids are involved. I think the reason he stays is because he has this need for "perfection" in his life. His wife is gorgeous, perfect, by all standards. He surround his life with perfection....and let me tell you, i'm not chopped liver, but, i'm not perfect.
2006-07-16 01:15:37 · update #2
okay, i realize none of you know me. First of all, I AM NOT fat and ugly. Secondly, it's easy to judge someone for a situation you deem wrong. I know it's wrong...and...I am not in my 20's , I also realize that this is probably a disaster waiting to happen. I just don't know how to shut it all down.
2006-07-16 01:20:06 · update #3
one final note, this all started when MY husband who went home to (Europe) to visit his family and never came back. We are technically still married. He was incredibly home sick. I don't have a bad thing to say about the man. I understand (now), that he just was too far away from his family. And, no, we don't have kids together.
2006-07-16 01:24:57 · update #4
I know I am just as guilty. And, like it or not, I really do appreciate you all being brutally honest.
2006-07-16 01:27:06 · update #5
You all have valid points.....damn...I am such a state of denial right now. I just needed to hear it over and over again...and probably will for a bit. I KNOW I'm being stupid...so save that one.
2006-07-16 01:29:40 · update #6
It is incredible how many people seem to be attracted to those who are already attached. It is almost because they are attached that many people are interested in them in the first place!
However dating someone who is attached is bad news and something that you should not do. Here's why:
If you really like them, then you will get frustrated that they can never commit too much time to you
They are clearly unethical as it is not fair to date someone else when you have a partner
A leopard doesn't change its spots: even if by some miracle they do move on to you then you know what they are capable of and therefore trust will always be an issue to you.
Too many people spend time fulfilling the fantasies of someone else who thinks it is great to have two or more partners in the hopeless thought that they can change them, when really that person is just having their cake and eating it.
Dating someone who is married or going out with someone else also shows a lack of respect for yourself - you should deserve and feel you deserve someone who can commit all their time to you and is only interested in you.
Remember this if you ever get tempted to get involved in a complicated relationship like this!
Hope this helps~
2006-07-21 07:59:20 · answer #1 · answered by Bon Bon 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I understand and I am in the same boat right now. I have been seeing this guy for awile and it is wonderful. Like you this man and I have realized things like this only come around once in a lifetime. There seems to be a soul connection between us. We can even usually tell what the other is thinking with out saying a word. He also does not want to give up his marrage either but unlike your situation he has kids and so do I. So it kinda complicates things a little more. I can understand and not judge because I can not cut the ties either, He is like a addiction I just can not get enough. Him and I have dicussed where our relationship is going and have mutually decided it will continue until one of us does not want it to anymore. And in the mean time if something happens in his marrage I will be there for him to pick up the pieces and we will be free to be together. I wish you the best of luck only you can decide what makes you happy. If I can help in any way you can e-mail me at stefanie102476@yahoo.com...
I wish you the best .
2006-07-16 02:20:55 · answer #2 · answered by dolphin29 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poor thing, I know what it's like to be the "other person" in a relationship. When a guy is married and he chooses to stay married, his love for you is not as strong as he is saying. If he really did love you, he would drop his wife, perfection and all, and go to be by your side. Relationships like this don't go anywhere, and it's the sad truth. Your husband should be paying more attention to you as well; so get him to come back to the States or wherever you happen to live. Confront both of them and give them a choice, "Give me the attention I deserve, or I don't want to be with you anymore."
It's not totally your fault that you cheated, from the sounds of it. What you wanted was the attention that your husband was not giving you, and the guy you're now with is not being all you expected in loyalty either. So, take a deep breath, and try to make them respect you by giving yourself a little more respect than to just take the BS they're handing you.
2006-07-16 22:25:51 · answer #3 · answered by minerva779 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He cant be to unhappily married or he wouldnt still be married. You have been seeing him for 9 months well it only takes 6 for a divorce so if he really loved you and it was so strong you two should of been newlyweds by now.
If he is cheating on his wife what makes you think he wouldnt cheat on you.
He might like you or even love you alittle but that once in a life time love thing I rather doubt he knows anything about. Try putting yourself in the wifes shoes for a minute. How would you like to be her? Any man that cheats on his wife is a bigger pus sy than the pus sy he is getting while cheating. In other words why would you want a man that isnt man enough to handle his business. Remember the old saying "what goes around comes around" ? SOmeday when you are married I just hope it doesnt happen to you. It would be one thing if you were in the dark about it but you know he is married so just hope that carma doesnt get you someday.
2006-07-16 01:21:06 · answer #4 · answered by hersheynrey 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like question like this because you know what to do but, you are just not doing it. there is nothing positive ever, ever going to come from this. In situations like this, someone always gets hurt and it is usually -the person seeing that married person. Remember, he is getting the best of both worlds. He can keep you on the side and use you up until he tired of you and move on. Secondly, he can never show you off to anyone ever so you will remain secret. And if any kids are involved it's a sad state of affairs for all. Do me a favor and yourself "GET OUT". There is no sex that good that will make you put yourself lower than anyone else. GET OUT!
2006-07-16 01:16:41 · answer #5 · answered by lasman37 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, when he got married, what was supposed to have happened was the following: he was supposed to have made the move from his parents being the most important people in his life, to his wife being the most important person in his life, and he was supposed to have made a permanent, exclusive commitment to his wife. And then he was supposed to become one with his wife - physically and not only.(1)
Translation: He was supposed to have created a situation where no other relationship and no desire on his part for anything or anyone else would be allowed to intrude on the marriage bond.
And of course all of this applies to you in your relationship with your husband.
On the other hand, yes, the sex act creates a bond which, if you break up afterwards, you leave a bit of yourself with the other person and vice versa. So he has bound himself to two people when there should be only one.
If his wife is still willing to remain married to him after what he has done, then he needs to stay with her(2), and you will both need to look to God to break the bondage which presently exists between the two of you, for it is indeed humanly impossible to break it.
Fortunately, what is impossible with man is possible with God(3). He has already done everything you need to make a fresh start. What you both need to do is sit down and discuss (each alone with God) the issues that exist between you and Him, and put them behind you(4). You need to trust in what He has done for you(5).
When you do that, He will indeed give you a new heart(6), a new mind(7), new desires(8), new actions(9), a new love(10) - in other words, a new life(11). And the strength to do the right thing(12).
Lust (and that is what this is - the loving thing to do is respect the bond of marriage) is an embryonic form of adultery, so even that 'little, invisible thing' is something that must be avoided at all costs(13). Who a person is is reflected by the way they think(14).
Lust ultimately has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with greed - which in turn is short for idolatry(15). So the thing to do is the exact opposite: occupy yourselves with worshiping God, offering your bodies to Him(16), glorifying Him, giving thanks to Him(17). Let Him be your everything(18).
I know this all sounds kind of theoretical, but I have spared myself all kinds of trouble by learning to simply turn myself off the minute I see that wedding ring the first time I meet a man, and if there is no wedding ring and it looks like I might see him again, I inquire discreetly (i.e. in such a way that he won't know I was interested in the content of his personal life) and find out whether he is married.
Twice it's happened to me that I already found someone attractive, and the inquiries I made enabled me to find out that the person was married before anything actually happened. And this kind of thinking helped me to make sense of the situation and move on.
So, at age 42 I am still celibate, and happy about it. I have learned to love everyone without lusting after anyone, and this is infinitely preferable to having someone, but in circumstances which should never have happened to begin with. I could even willingly choose to be like this for the rest of my life. So it really does work.
Furthermore, I see that your husband is from Europe. I emigrated to Poland 15 years ago, not knowing the language, thinking that I would probably marry a certain nice Polish boy. I didn't in the end marry him, but I stayed anyway (and now I speak Polish almost like a native).
We could of course ask very serious questions about whether he shouldn't have realized from the beginning that his marriage bond has to be more important than his family or his country, but If he is just unable to be happy outside of Europe, if there is no other solution, then I would strongly recommend that you move to Europe to be with him, or find some other solution, spending some time here (wherever 'here' is) and some time there (i.e. in Europe), or whatever.
Please think about it. Your marriage is too precious to destroy over a mere geographical location.
May God bless you
2006-07-16 02:11:05 · answer #6 · answered by songkaila 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put it this way - if he's going to cheat WITH you, he's going to cheat ON you. Meaning even if he leaves his wife to be with you, he won't ever be faithful. You've seen firsthand that he does not have the capability to be faithful.
Leave the bastard, let his poor wife know what a slimeball he is, and move on.
And just because he sought you out means nothing. As the old saying goes - "it takes two to tango." In other words, you're just as guilty of ruining their marriage as he is.
2006-07-16 01:21:21 · answer #7 · answered by ahillman42000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he truly loved you- like, if you BOTH felt the same of each other- wouldn't he just go for you right away? It's sad, but this happens; sometimes a girl is more into the guy (or vice versa) and I think that's what's going on for you; Sorry to say so, but I think it's best if I'm honest with you! Good luck with everything...
2006-07-16 01:13:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he had really deep feeling he would leave his wife, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. You have a couple of choices, go on with the relationship and enjoy it, but be aware it will never go anywhere and he will eventually tire of it and move on. Move on and look for a new incredible connection. I can't tell you what to do, nor will I, it's your decision to make.
2006-07-16 01:08:59 · answer #9 · answered by Jim C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No dear, it doesn't come just once in a lifetime..sometimes it comes in the form of a different guy, and later on you will think - what did I see in this married guy before? Have you met his family (the wife and kids if there are)? Try seeing your relationship through their eyes. Keep your self respect and dignity, my dear. Let go.
2006-07-16 01:09:28 · answer #10 · answered by *art blest* 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋