Really sad stuff!?

Question

I'm not suicidal, but my friend was a while back, and was planning on killing herself by sitting on some train tracks, and waiting for a train to come by and hit her. That's what this poem is about. It's unfinished, but I'd like feedback on what I've done so far.

You contradict yourself and are feeling perplexed
You stand on the train tracks and wonder what's next

You think of all the words that were left unsaid
While your whole life runs through your head

Then slowly, two Rivers form without a drop of rain
Two reminders of all the pain

With every tear another hope starts shattering
But it'll be over soon, the tracks are ratteling

Answer 1

This is like a skit from SNL's Debbie Downer.

Answer 2

I prefer chronology, so I changed the order of the second verse:

You contradict yourself and are feeling perplexed
You stand on the train tracks and wonder what's next

While your whole life runs through your head
You think of all the words that were left unsaid

Then slowly, two Rivers form without a drop of rain
Two reminders of all the pain

With every tear another hope starts shattering
But it'll be over soon, the tracks are rattling

Oh and I took out the E in rattling.

Answer 3

You know, if your friend actually killed herself, the train company could've sued her family for screwing up the train schedule and making it stop/making it have to be cleaned/possibly damaging some things in the train because of the emergency stop. It's a bad suicide method anyway, and not always effective. You could just end up getting scalped or something.

But lovely poem, I'm glad your friend didn't kill herself.

Answer 4

continued...

you hear the horn blasting, but you must ignore
as you patiently wait to reach the other shore

the grass on the other side may not be greener
so step aside and get help, you silly wiener

cowards make another do what they themselves are unable
so what about the train driver who would then be unstable

he would have taken a life which he did not intend
you selfish weak person, his memory wont mend

you cry out for help, ready to selfishly die
surely it would be easier, than to keep living a lie

try therapy instead, and life will be sweet
certainly better than chopped railroad meat

Answer 5

So did your friend sat at the train track?

Answer 6

It sucks. Because it's like their life is over and they don't even KNOW what hopelesness is like. LET ME TELL YOU. I have seen stuff that would blow your mind. So sad I cried and it had nothing to do with me. You don't know hopelessness and sadness.

Answer 7

****. that's really powerful. I hope your friend is okay. I wrote a poem once too, to honor my friend, whose mother was murdered. Good luck!

Answer 8

I don't think it's good....Who wants to read about suicide! I like to read uplifting poems.

Answer 9

wow! that's deep.