What should I do to get out of this dumb midlife crisis I find myself in??

Question

I am 40,married,with 4 beautiful children,ages 7,11,12,and 15.But lately,I feel like I am missing out,like I have nothing left for me.I'm tired,and have even considered an affair--but have not.I do not want to be selfish.Help,please!

Answer 1

40 is still young. I was a 60 hr/week working idiot. It seemed that time was accelerating. I have two young kids. I spoke with my wife about some of the things I still want to do before I pass on, one was get a PhD in economics and write. I was afraid to bring it up, but I'm glad I did.
Another thing I think you may be in the midst of, which I got a taste of when I was without a job for only six months, is being tied up with the kids. It seems that everyone measures each other by what they do. Running kids can be a drag, and it's not that esteemed in our society, sadly.
Despite the immediate results you would get, and the change it would inevitably bring for you, avoid the affair. I haven't yet seen positive long term outcomes in my small sample of people I've known who tried it.
You may need to develop something to, as the great psychologist Bandura says, develop your self efficacy. Maybe some classes in something interesting, but meaningful towards a career. I think a hobby might be too thin for what you need.

Good luck

Answer 2

I think you want to give attention to the most basic issues of what life is, what death is, and and how best to live. It doesn't sound like an affair will help with that at all.

If you really identify something important on which you are "missing out," then you can resolve that. But I'm guessing the real issue is that you (like many of us) feel like you want there to be something more, but you have a nagging feeling that there just isn't, and that doesn't feel satisfactory. I think THAT is what you want to sort through. I don't recommend trying out wild things in the hope that you will stumble onto something that will give you the feeling that you are no longer missing out. I don't think that will happen.

See if you can make a peace with the most basic facts of life (because they are not changing). Then I bet the details won't distress you too much.

(Personally, I don't think that at the end of our lives we get graded on the quantity or quality of our experiences. We are all experiencing what living is like; there's not a right or wrong way to do it, and it all ends the same no matter what we do. Warren Buffet lives in a little tract house in Nebraska. I always find that reassuring.)

Answer 3

1. Travel (and leave the kids) - it expands your horizons.
2. Find a cause - even just a little volunteering for a non-profit organization will be incredibly satisfying.
3. Create - start painting (maybe just your house ; ), take a pottery class, take up photography. Any hobby that puts your energy and emotions into being can be rewarding.
4. An affair? Would that actually result in anything but a big headache? It would not add anything to your life, but actually take something away (namely the relationship you have with your husband, but also would bring on unsatisfying feelings about yourself, digging the hole deeper.) In order to feel satisfied, you have to do something that gives something to the planet. Clearly, this cannot be something selfish like an affair.

Further your education? Start a home business on the side? Like I said, anything that adds, not detracts from your life.

Answer 4

You might want to go to your local health food store and see if there are some herbs to help level you out. Every seven years our bodies, as women, change rapidly. An affair is not the answer! Try to find the positive in your new role in life. You can be a bit more self indulgent, your kids don't need as much. You can and will adjust and love it too. Your focus just has to change. Is there anything your passionate about?

Answer 5

Try doing something different, change your routine, start a new hobby, meet new people, talk to your family about a change in your attitude, DO NOT have an affair that is a BIG mistake.

Doing something that really scares you can have a positive effect.

Make time for YOU and try to regain the enjoyment you used to feel every morning on waking to a new day.

Its all out there you just have to find it, have fun doing so.

;) H

Answer 6

Sounds like you and your husband needs some dates, yes dates out of the house. Start doing things together,
make the time to do things. I know you are tired but you sound more stressed than tired. Give chores to your children to help you out. This will teach them some responsibility. I assure you they may not like the idea possibly, should they want an allowance they will do the chores. This will help you unwind and have more time for yourself, husband and children. Change something before you have a stroke or hear attack. You can't carry the load alone.

Answer 7

Try to find a hobby that you enjoy (yes, I know it's not easy with four kids to take care of). Also, if the reason you're considering an affair is because your sex life is boring, go to your local book store & try to find some good ideas to spice up your sex life. If you try these things and they don't work, consider seeing a counselor. This kind of thing is what they're there for, and if you go in with an open mind, it will help.

Answer 8

Enjoy being 40, because one day you'll wake up 60.

Treasure what you have, every day, in every way. Expand your life. Do those things you always said you were going to do but haven't got around to. You're in the prime of life right now. Don't settle for a rut of complacency. You can have your cake and eat it too! Enjoy your wonderful family, but live for yourself! Kick start the old man if he's starting to snooze. Jazz it up! I can go on like this, but instead I'll leave you with the first thought I threw at you.

You're 40 now, but you won't be forever. Now get on with it!

Answer 9

You don't know how really lucky you are to have health, children and all you have to create a crisis over is yourself!
You are missing out on nothing. Children are the most wonderful creation in the world, there are no substitutes, not even a partner.

Answer 10

Tell your husband exactly how you feel. Tell him that you were thinking about having an affair but don't want to be selfish. If he is unwilling to help you with your problem then leave him! Remember honesty is the best policy! He might NOT mind you having an affair, who knows!