I.
breathe in the darkness,
and it, poisons me, and i,
wait for you.
I stare at your face,
I glare at my place,
in your heart.
Someone please,
take my heart, and make me bleed.
Let me listen to the sound of my pulse,
as the blood runs,
red and cold as ice,
Let me be closer to you.
Let me feel your love surround me.
Let me,
breathe,
you suffocate me dry,
I dont need you.
its only me now.
2006-07-15 12:47:43 · 9 answers · asked by warm_like_winter 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
it has a lot of feeling and meaning in it. keep writing!! poems help people feel better. I love to write poems!!!!!
2006-07-16 09:24:24 · answer #1 · answered by Ginnykitty 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remember you said be honest.
I'm sorry but i find this depressing. I know you are trying to get a message across but i think it could use a little more tweaking. Try perhaps some other subject matter and keep trying. Good Luck !
2006-07-15 19:59:43 · answer #2 · answered by Caesar 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you're trying too hard...my favorite poems always seem to flow more...paint a mental picture as it is read.... "suffocate me dry"???? that doesn't even make sense..... you might say something more like "my sense of being withers in your presence" or "around you, my sense of myself is drowned out by your desire to be center of attention"
2006-07-15 20:09:34 · answer #3 · answered by thebluedjin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A wee pit confusing but not without strong emotion. You have good potential.
2006-07-15 19:53:27 · answer #4 · answered by KELLY S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The thought of blood makes me almost get sick. Can you take that part out?
2006-07-15 19:55:37 · answer #5 · answered by anonymous 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. It seems to take a strange turn at the end, like all of a sudden you gave up!
2006-07-15 20:07:18 · answer #6 · answered by Silva 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks like you got dumped and can't get over it. Am I right?
2006-07-15 20:21:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
At bit too dark for my taste.
H
2006-07-15 19:50:57 · answer #8 · answered by H 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really good. Keep writing.
2006-07-15 19:51:33 · answer #9 · answered by Kizeman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋