I translated this poem into Italian, but I'll put it in English too... what do you think? I feel it is more lovely in Italian, but what do you feel about the actual poem? Please nothing deliberately mean!
ENGLISH
I love to live life.
I love to hold on to something.
Sometimes all I can hold on to is this breath,
This instant where I am alive.
So I love to read, I love to shop.
What makes living so special?
Living includes reading and shopping, all in one.
Life is a gift of God.
I love God, I love to live.
So I can say I love all these things... Or I can say I love life.
I can say I love you,
But saying I love life should be enough.
I love to live,
This is enough to God.
ITALIAN
Amo vivere vita. Amo tenere sopra a qualcosa. A volte tutto che possa tenere sopra a è questo alito, questo istante in cui sono amore di alive.So I da leggere, io ama alle marche di shop.What che vivo in modo da special?Living include la lettura e lo shopping, tutta in uno. La vita è un regalo del dio di amore di God.I, io ama vivere. Così posso dire l'amore di I tutte queste cose... O posso dire che amore life.I di I può dire ti amo, ma dire la vita di amore di I dovrebbe essere amore da vivere, questo di enough.I è abbastanza al dio.
2006-07-15 12:21:39 · 14 answers · asked by ~S~ is for Stephanie! 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
It is beautiful dear....It came from your heart and inner self.
There were many different comments of how you could perhaps change it, but then it wouldn't be you...would it...?
I learned many years ago to listen to my heart & what I know & have seen to be true...
I liked the idea another answer had about going back over and reading you writings ect; With all my writings some I have not read for years...I have gone back & read...What inspiration and surprise you will see inside each line and/or word...
The very best to you...you certainly have inspired me.
2006-07-15 12:57:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
XD I think asking for constructive criticism would have been better phrasing because if you just ask for how people feel on it, you won't necessarily understand what's good or what you need to improve about your poem.
I hope I don't offend you with this question, and I'm not trying to, but... What's the point of your poem? Is it about how life is a gift from God, or is it about how much you love life? Or is it what you think life is about, or how brief life is? You have a bunch of disjointed ideas that don't really fit together or transition well.
Of course, it might just be because I'm reading the English version instead of the Italian, which I'm sure flows much more smoothly, but try to determine what the theme of your poem is before you expand on it.
Other than that, your poem was great. I really like how simplistic the language you used is because it reminds me that, like language, life doesn't have to be complicated in order for someone to enjoy it. :)
2006-07-15 12:35:03 · answer #2 · answered by jelan 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm no poetry expert, but it sounds more like a monologue or an essay than a poem. I think it's the question, "What makes living so special?" that really makes it seem that way. I would say either take out the question or add more questions to balance it out. I wonder though, what exactly do you want the reader to get from this poem?
2006-07-15 14:00:29 · answer #3 · answered by sick_of_att 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, I enjoyed your poem and write a lot of poetry myself. It is so personal, I would hesitate to share it here, but I applaud your courage to do so and face a little constructive criticism. I loved the first two lines of your poem but that part is so grand that the next two lines about shopping and reading seem trivial in comparison. I would leave those two lines out. The rest of the poem sounds great. Anything would sound good in Italian! Keep reading your poem and keep writing! Good Luck.
2006-07-15 13:35:32 · answer #4 · answered by Sunnidaze 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I bet that English does not do it justice! I would love to here it in Italian even if I could not understand much of it! Keep writing! Read this one back to yourself in a year and then the year after. We offer much better perspective on our writing skills after time goes by.
2006-07-15 12:26:11 · answer #5 · answered by bg.rmac 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, not bad at all. There are some great expressions here like these lines:
Sometimes all I can hold on to is this breath,
This instant where I am alive
I just love them!
2006-07-15 12:24:48 · answer #6 · answered by Perfectly Said 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One who has not been brought to deaths door to die to self and to ask of God to let them live yet again has not known life nor love for it.
2006-07-15 12:31:32 · answer #7 · answered by writer05 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's OK. I don't know anything about poetry nor Italian but it seems better in Italian.
2006-07-15 12:39:19 · answer #8 · answered by Alej 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I give it a 10.
2006-07-15 13:35:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's elegant, honest, and very pretty. I'm sure it sounds better in Italian, but I can't read such a romantic language. (unfortunately)
2006-07-15 12:28:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋