Is it my fault?

Question

Okay, I met this guy and had sex with him twice because I wanted to get these images out of my head from being raped. He told me to come to his house on wednesday and I did he said he was taking me somewhere special, well he took me to his bedroom, and started doing things to me, usually he will ask this time he didn't I said no, and stop it, but he didn't. I told two women at church, but they both said the same thing that it wasn't rape and that I brought it on because I went to his house, and that it was my fault.

Answer 1

Some churches help us be more loving, patient people living in greater harmony with ourselves and others.

Some churches are very patriarchal (men in charge) and traditional in their views (women should be chained to the bed with a chain only long enough to reach the kitchen so she can prepare her husband's meals).

Sounds like those women belong the second type of church.

Go to a "Women's (or Family) Resource (or Crisis) Center. In the white pages under rape or crisis.

If you had sex against your will, it was rape. Maybe you want to press charges, maybe you don't. Maybe he would be convicted, maybe he wouldn't. But whatever you wore, said previously, or where you went, No means No.

A rape crisis counselor could help a lot by being someone to talk to, explaining your options and providing follow-up.

Please make that call. They are very used to awkward and painful situations and are there because they want to help.

Answer 2

First of all, church is probably the last place you should go for any kinda sexual help...go see a therapist (why did you do it twice and then say no) and legally, yes that IS rape! Even if some people disagree, the law says that IS rape! Go get some real help!

Answer 3

Certainly, the attitudes and beliefs you seem to have cultivated concerning sexual behavior are incorrectly based and will continue to lead you into unsatisfying and confusing relationships.

Firstly, you face the difficult but essential process of healing the wounds left upon your psyche by your experience of having been raped. Your desire to erase the disturbing imagery of your victimization by somehow replacing it is understandable, however it will not work in the way you have hoped. Perhaps the rape went unreported and the tools to help you grieve, to help you express your anger and aid in your healing were never made available to you.

Secondly, Why is it, that when asked to stop his advances this man refused? There is only one answer to that question and here it is: he is an a-s-s. Do not let yourself believe that it was OK for him not to heed your words. Any man or woman who ignores the wishes of their sexual partner might just as well be masturbating, it's all about them anyway. In the case that his intentions were to dominate and usurp your will, you know better than I the type of character is indicated there, and how deeply sinister.

Is it your fault? that he is hearing impaired? that he is so blindly selfish and so oafishly offensive? Clearly, these character flaws existed before you ever knew him. undoubtedly they will continue in his future. He was an a-s-s when you met him and he will always be an a-s-s. The only fault you could own all by yourself would be deciding to stick around.

If you seek to understand the nature of love and intimacy, you will need to be courageous enough to unmask and spoil forever the illusions which now blind you. I hope that you will sincerely devote yourself to correcting your mistakenly held perceptions. I have provided some links to resources available on the web when you are ready to begin.

Warmest regards,
Angela
(imtrying119)

Crime and Sexual Assault Support Services:
www.wwu.edu/chw/preventionandwellness/casas/Resources.html

Sexual Healing After Sexual Abuse:
http://www.healthyplace.com/COMMUNITIES/Sex/abuse/sexual_abuse.asp

Surviving to Thriving - Links to Resources for Victims of Rape and Sexual Abuse Survivors:
http://www.survivingtothriving.org/link

Answer 4

Don't listen to those ladies. People at church will tell you anything to get you scared and obedient. I'm not saying that I am not a God-following person, but the way some churches work is not fair. It wasn't your fault. By the way, maybe having sex with some creep wasn't a good way to get those images out of your head.

Answer 5

definitly not your fault. i totally understand cause i've been there and back and as health class as it sounds, "just cause you do it once doesnt mean you can't change your mind" even if you had consented the first two times, you said no the third time and he went against your wishes, and that is NOT cool. (guys SUCK sometimes). anyway, i know what you mean by doing what you can to get the first image out of your mind, so the women at church who scoff you for going to his house and having sex in the first place, well they don't know what you've been through so don't listen to them. I definitly would suggest seeing a therapist though, and talking about this so it doesnt happen to you a third time. No one deserves what you've been through and it is not your fault and is really hard to go through and sucks even more that people are blaming you.

hope you get through it, good luck!!

Answer 6

In most fundamentalist religions, sexual sin is most always considered to be brought on by the woman and the man is hardly blamed; especially if he is also a church member.

By going to his house, and especially into his bedroom, you put yourself in a bad position for something to happen, but you did not cause it to happen because you said no. If a woman says "NO" its rape, period!

To ask yourself if it is your fault, only you know what was in your heart and what your intention was. No one else can judge that for you.

Answer 7

no, no, no hun! these people get on my friggin nerves when they say things like that. Okay, lets just clarify- no means no and if you dont want it to happen, then he should have respected your wishes and stopped. You need to get away from him (and those women) as fast as you can, and take some time to find real friends. You did not ask for it hun, so please dont start to think that you did. You really should go to the police and report his a$$, it doesnt matter if you have had consentual sex in the past, you said no this time and he did it anyway. I also think that you should probably try to get some kind of counselling, or at least talk to someone who wont judge you... one rape is enough to deal wth, let alone two. PLease, please at least consider police and counselling hun. xxxxxx

Answer 8

**** no it wasnt ur fault you told the bastard no and no means no..I would just not even ask for anymore advice or even acknowlage the advice of theese women they are probaly the holier than thou type so to speak the sound pretty moronic to em HE WOULDNT STOP and u said no so therefore thats rape..you should have went to the cops right away NO MEANS NO and dont ever let anyone make it feel like its ur fault.

Answer 9

Well, it wasn't your fault but I wouldn't consider it a rape. You went to his house and he took you to his bedroom. Every guy things about the same thing and if you willingly go into his house he expects nothing else.

Answer 10

This is not your fault those ladies don't know what they are talking about if you said no and he continued to do what he did that is rape no matter if you went to his house or not, i do believe they call that date rape.. the same thing happened to me and I never told anyone and it still haunts me, dont be quiet about this u need too tell someone who will know what to do.. Goodluck!