Wife has no authority with kids, unmotivated and putting weight on (again), . What can I do?

Question

Wife's been spending more time in front of TV, putting on weight (again, after by-pass surgery), and has lost all authority (respect and control) with the kids. She shows not interest in trying to 'better' herself or the kids. I work 40hrs/week, she's a stay at home mom. I come home to messy house and kids in front of TV. She expects me to make dinner (it seems), kitchen/house usually a mess. I'm worried about the example she's setting for the kids (8yo-boy, 6yo twin girls). It makes it hard for 'me' to get motivated after a hard day at work knowing she's not trying. What can I do? (short of seeing a counselor/pastor)

That's a 'gastric' by-pass (not heart surgery).

Answer 1

sounds like your wife may be suffering from depression...i know many people that have had the gastric by pass surgery and think being skinny will solve all their problems....it doesn't...you're the same person with the same life, you're just thinner....maybe having her see a doctor about her depression would be a start...

Answer 2

For one thing you can start by showing her a little respect. Mothering is not an easy chore. You expect her to look like a beauty queen when you walk in the door. She has been listening to the kids fighting all day. Her life is not a bed of roses. At least you have a job so you can get away for all the stress. She probably wish she could change positions with you. Tell her she is pretty when she looks terrible. Do nice things for her. Tell her she doesn't have to worry about the weight problem that you love her anyway. Do not discuss your personal life with your pastor. She will not appreciate this at all. Talk to a stranger maybe a marriage counselor. Ask your wife what her life was like growing up. She may have been an outside person; even a tomboy. This kind of life may be hard for her to adapt to. Her idea of a good life may not be your idea of what it should be.

Answer 3

Speak to her, but be kind. Sounds like she really wants to be someone she is not and someone else might have pushed her to get the surgery. Tell her that you are tired at the end of the day, but if she needs some help to get things started you will load if she will unload and if she will do most of the household cleaning during the day, then in the evening you and the family can go kick a ball in the park or take up a sport or join the YMCA and with some time to yourselves (take her on a date like a college or pro football or baseball game or some activity you enjoy) then the marriage will be fun again. Tell her you love her and you want this partnership to be that. It might help for her to get a part-time job or take classes and make friends. I wish you well

Answer 4

Sounds like your wife is going through a major depression crisis, I suggest that you talk to her making sure that you show her that your worried about her and care about her well being and you want her to be back to normal. After tell her that you think you guys should get some help go see a couple counselor and get a good psychologist for her. From what it sounds she might have become depressed because of all she probably went through with the bypass. I know it's hard but you'll see that with some professional help you're family will be very happy again. God bless and wish u the best of luck : )

Answer 5

Well counselor owuld help, but it sounds like she is depressed I know if I get depressed I do not want to do anything at all, it can cause a lot of problems, ask her if she is and why? I am not much on one to give advice as you can see by my q's haveing some probs of my own too , but to me it sounds like depression , i had that after haveing my third child, but as spouse you should ask her bluntly and tell her how you fell , that you do not mind helping some but if she is going to stay home you feel that is her choice in job and a mother and housewife is a job all in its own and can be hard and stress full , tell her she dose her part , then when you get home and take a break you will give her own as well , split the dinners up between you two , you both have full time jobs ,but remember you come home from ours , but it should not stop there ,the both of you should help each other . I am stay at home mother as well.

Answer 6

I am sorry to hear that she has had a bi-pass surgery.. And it may be that she is depressed and is uncertain of her health. If that is the problem, she needs to seek help from her doctor.. She may be worried that she will have complications.. But the example she is setting is a bad one. The best approach would be to confront her lovingly and try not to be critical of her. Especially about her weight. That is the least of your concerns and if you take care of the core of the problem this will probably take care of it self on its own. And you mentioned a pastor, how about your own personal prayers to GOD? He listens to heartfelt prayers and he knows what we need before we even ask, so maybe that is the starting point for you.... I hope you and your family overcome this and move forward. And I hope your wife's health continues to improve... Communication is the key, and if you can do this it will open doors to resolving the issue..

Answer 7

I would see a counselor with her quick. I dont know how long its been after the surgery, but she needs to start doing something. You sound like a great strong person. If I could give you a medal I would. Tell her that you will like for her and your self to go and see a counselor because you are concerned about her, dont say anything negative, because she will not go them, Just tell her that you both need to get some help to get this marriage better or relationship. Let me know what happened.

Answer 8

You can sit down and talk to your wife about whats been going on. It sounds like your wife might be depressed if all she wants to do is sit around, watch tv, and not do anything. Try talking to her and see if you can get her to open up about why she isn't paying attention to the kids, keeping the house clean, or cooking dinner. It certainly isn't unreasonable for you to want her to do those things - you work outside the home and her work is inside the home.
If you can't get anywhere with her by talking, then you should suggest she see a counselor or pastor because she needs to deal with whatever is causing her to be so lethargic. Counseling is a good thing - especially if she won't open up to you.

Answer 9

Wow. First of all, you should be commended for your hard work and devotion to your family, in spite of this trying situation. It must be hard to feel as though you're carrying more than your share of the family load and your wife shows no sign of trying.

You're right to be concerned: Your children are young and impressionable. They need to learn important life skills now before they develop any more unproductive habits. Children learn by observing their parents.

You should be concerned about your wife as well. Her weight gain is a serious health threat. Her lack of motivation, lack of control over kids and home etc. are signs of depression.

Nagging her or arguing will make things worse.

Sometimes, a wife can feel overwhelmed by the neverending, thankless demands of housework and child-rearing. It takes a toll emotionally.

She needs a break from her routine.

This is no quick and easy fix. She really does need a doctor and a counselor. A doctor can prescribe short-term depression medication and monitor her medical condition (bypass) while a counselor will help her get to the root of her lethargy. She must have had some emotional issues to warrant gaining so much weight.

What can you do in the meantime?
1. Be patient.
2. Be sure she gets to her appointments.
3. Get her out of the house for AM or PM walks. Exercise elevates the mood and energizes. Go with her. Don't just kick her out of the house. Take kids with you both.
4. Arrange for girlfriends or her family to meet her for an evening out on occasion.
5. Encourage her to revisit her old interests, hobbies and career goals.
6. Take the kids out by yourself on a Saturday tto give her some time and to give you some quality time with your kids. Be careful not to think about it as "Why should I take care of the kids when she's home all day?" because your time with your children is precious, regardless of your wife's attitude.
7. Think about getting her back to work. Many people think it is best for the mom to stay home to take care of the kids (and it IS) but if the mom can't handle the challenge--and it is a challenge--than the kids are better off in afterschool activities. You don't want the kids to spend all their afterschool time with a depressed person who doesn't give them the appropriate care.
8. If you can afford it, hire a temporary housecleaner to take care of the mess. Just looking at it can make a person feel depressed. Think of it as part of her therapy.
9. Put people first, the house second. Make sure your kids and wife (and YOU) are happy. The house can always be cleaned up later.
10. Try not to build up resentment towards your wife. Think of her as having an illness.
11. Feel good about your accomplishments. Reward yourself and take time for yourself. Pat yourself on the back for being the head of a great family. So many men would love to have what you have: a wife and children of your own. No family is perfect. And families go through phases--good and not-so-good. Remember why you married her, cling to those good memories and start creating new, wonderful times to cherish! Start by bringing her a rose and then talk to her about your worries and concerns about her.
12. Have hope. Things can get better. :)

And you should seek counseling for yourself as well. This is a tough time for you. If you're going to hold your family together, you need support. You can do this. You are not alone.


Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Be a man. Take charge. Don't let your wife push you around. You are the man of the house. Start kicking *** and taking names. You took on the role of leader when you got married. When the kids came along, your job got exponentially more difficult. The sanctity of your marriage DEMANDS that you rise to the occasion. You promised in front of God, family and friends to be a Man, a Husband and a Father when you exchanged your vows. Now is the time for you to discover what you've got inside yourself. It will not be easy to reverse this situation but you must try. If you do nothing but lament in your misery, what will be the outcome? Nothing in life worth a damn is easy. Nothing in life is more important than saving a marriage with kids. Not so much for you and your wife, but for them. Our prisons are full of kids from broken homes. Are you going to let that possibly happen to them? Stand up, man! Take the fight to the enemy. Fight until your homelife has returned to the way it was when you were satisfied with it. No one else can do it for you. You already know your problems-- you have listed them. Take action now. Start by killing the TV set, instructing your kids to have the house and their rooms cleaned up when you get home, instruct your wife to at least have things out for dinner and instruct yourself to have the tenacity to keep at it until things improve. Change is difficult, but worth it in the long run.

Of course, you could always disapear into French Foreign Legion...

Answer 11

I think that seeing a couselor / pastor would be the answer- sounds like she is depressed. I have never gotten this deep into a funk but if it were not for my friends and church fellowship and wonderfully supportive husband , it would not be too hard for me to get there. I am not saying you aren't supportive- it just takes a combination of things to get people motivated sometimes. She is probably dealing with some fears which lead to a lack of motivation and depression. Get to church and get involved as a family in some groups - that might help to build some friendships that will help