A serious question about the difference in appearance between my spouce and myself?

Question

This is a tough question and I don't want you to think I am shallow, but the difference in our appearance is a breaking point in our relationship.

I am blessed in that I am getting better looking as I age. I get asked out daily by women of intense beauty. If there are 100 women in a crowd, the very best looking ones come to me and ask me out. This is new and very odd for me. Of course I like it but I just don't see myself that way. My wife on the other hand, can't get a look if she were naked. Age hasn't been kind to her. Her appearance and body weight have really caused or sexual relationship to dwindle. I am just not very attracted to her anymore. She has treated me poorly or I would be the first to defend 'character over beauty', but she has neither. Because I have been mistreated it is hard to rely on love for our physcal relationship. We are left with superficial beauty and it's just not enough for me to become arroused. How can I change my view point so I can become arroused?

Please don't flame me. I am trying to see things in a different way, but it's very hard to know I can have any beautiful person who is mature, kind and wanting to be a 'real' partner and then see my wife who doesn't take care of herself and lacks the mature relationship skills that make a realtionship grow. I am looking for anything but divorce as an answer.

obviously I didn't make myself clear...
Looks IS NOT EVERYTHING... but its all we have left. I can forget the women hitting on me but she can't. Even if I ignore the stares or am oblivious to them, she gets insanely angry.

OK, enough with the flaming... I am a great husband. In fact I do MOST of the housework, 90% of the income, most of the child rearing... quit assuming I don't give this relationship 1000% and get 10% back. Listen to what I am saying... your telling me looks don't matter, well, in a healthy relationship I would hope so, but ours is damaged because she cheated and even my kids say that she is dead weight so quit thinking I am the only part of the problem

Thanks so far... I am really getting some deep answers. I truey want to show my wife love and make her feel like a million bucks. Sometimes the pain and confusion can get in the way. I am taking notes and will really try the suggestions made. I used to not care at all about looks, but it feels like thats all we have left. A few of you really seemed to give some real advice, the ones who flamed me... try having sex with someone your not at all attracted to, I bet you would loose interest too. I am TRYING to change my perseption so that I do see things in the right way. My deep thanks to those of you who are helping!

Answer 1

you are a shallow human being. learn to love your spouse for who they are, or just quit pretending that you care and leave. At least be honest.

Answer 2

Sit down and make a list of all the pro's and con's about your wife..everything all the way to the mole on her back lol. And have her do the same with you, that way you will both be on the same page and know some things that each other would like to change.

Being treated poorly can cause depression....bad enough to interfer with your sexual relationship...I know this from my experiances when my husband and I had a huge bump in our marriage. Sit down with your wife and explain to her what YOU WANT, NEED, AND EXPECT out of her as a person, a wife, and your marriage....she needs to do the same.

Im sure from what u say your an attractive man, and your wife isnt so lucky, a lot of what your feeling could be pressure because you are unable to have a good sex life with your wife, and there are plenty of women you could have fun with.

You need to be close, emotionally, sprtitually (sp) and sexually.

I wil list a link to a very good website that has a married couple as specialists in what your needing.

What helped my husband and I, was him going to iraq, it's sad, but not being able to have eachother made us realize how we took it for granted.

Answer 3

I'd say the best thing you can do it to help your wife find a way to feel beautiful again. I can promise you that as a man, there is nothing so beautiful as a woman who knows she's beautiful. I dont mean hot headed teens who think theyre all that, but a grown woman who uses her confidence and presence to be attractive to men.

Invest some time and money into her. Help her get back in shape, help her find an appropriate style for her age group, help her make healthy choices for her body and character.

Also, check into some couples therapy for your marriage. At some point you loved this woman enough to promise to be with her through good times and bad, sickness and health, until death. Find that reason again. People change, its natural, who we marry in our 20's is not who we're married to in our 50's, if you dont take the time and effort to get to know that person over the years you find yourself living a routine with someone who you used to know.

Also remember to that aging is not the same for women as it is for men, our bodies literally shut down, our sexual stamina and desire pretty much goes out the window. While men continue to produce enough testosterone for a sex drive, womens bodies dont produce enough estrogen for them to desire that kind of interaction, ESPECIALLY if a woman hasnt cared for herself as she aged.

I bet you anything your wife feels ugly and unimportant to you and even less noticeable to the world. That pulls strongly on her self confidence, making her feel that she isnt a woman, and isnt sexually attractive to anyone, let alone you who knew her in her prime. She's probably scared and doesnt know how to handle it beyond punishing you for having/had such desires.

Help her help you. Get her out. Go do something. Take a trip, take a vacation, move, start a new hobby together. Change that old routine. Mix it up a little.

If you decide that you are going to love this woman no matter what, you will. Dont let your own vanity pull you away, your looks will fade some day too, death becomes no one, not even the beautiful.

Answer 4

Sex is not only physical it is also mental. You cannot force yourself to become sexual with someone if there is NOTHING about them that excites you- physically or otherwise. You should seek counseling and be honest to each other with a professional present so you can decide if you can work it out or end it.Just last night

Dateline NBC had a special about couples who no longer have sex, but otherwise have an okay relationship. They took the cameras into the intense 4 hour sessions for 3 days straight. They were set up in luxury cabins in the Colorado mountains after the sessions to work on things on their own. It is interesting you ask this question after I saw that. Maybe if you go onto the Dateline website you can find out more. One of the couples featured decided to get divorced, only to overturn that decision. They did not end up having sex though, even at the follow up Dateline did 3 months later.

Good luck, but your life is short, enjoy it and do what you can to fix the situation or move on.

Answer 5

PRAY!!!! Talk to her and tell her how you feel. SOMETIMES the way one is treated supercedes that of physical beauty. I see it far too much that men want "SUPERFINE ladies" and they look like crap! LOL...BUT now women are asking you out because you are MARRIED!!! When you are available, the interest may dwindle. They may not know you are married, but it is just like that. When you are contemplating breaking up a marriage, enemy forces are always there to say "go for it" when we both know that is not the answer.
Your wife should work to treat you better and to enhance her physical attraction, but not to the point that is all she thinks about. HER self esteem may be low--especially if you are telling her so much that she is not attractive. YOUR Mind is on the grass that LOOKS greener on the other side....that is why your wife cannot satisfy or attract you sexually. IF she did all the "freaky"stuff to you and ....it would not matter cuz your mind is on the other side of town...CONCENTRATE on your own "lawn"...it may need fertilizing (encouragement, compliments on the good), it may need mowing (you may be able to give her a good round in the sack), it may need edging...(caressing, talked to, etc)....so if you leave that lawn unmowed, of course you as the landscaper will NOT get paid! But if you do your job, PRAY, talk to her, encourage her GOOD points (and there are at least a few), and keep your mind on her sometimes, and not how you appeal to other women, then you may grow old together and happy. REMEMBER the lawn you LEAVE UNATTENDED, SOMEONE else WILL take care of it and landscape it well---then you may want the job again and it may be too late! PRAY, my brother!

Answer 6

Spend some time thinking about what it was that attracted you to your wife in the first place. Was it just her physical appearance? If there were other qualities, what were they? Are any of them still there? What are the things that you do like about your wife right now?

When you have that sorted out in your head, you need to sit down and have an honest and direct talk with your wife about what you see are the strengths and positives in your marriage and in what ways you see that it needs to change and to grow. Don't blame her. If she has stopped trying to be attractive to you, there is a reason for that too. And don't think she hasn't noticed your lack of physical attraction to her--that's probably why she reacts strongly to other women coming on to you. Consider going to see a marriage counselor--not so someone can fix your marriage for you--but so the two of you can talk openly and honestly with each other. You both need to talk about what each one of you is willing to do to strengthen and improve your marriage.

Answer 7

She may look the way she does for the same reason - sorry,
I don't mean to offend, but you know how it is when the flame
starts to die out.
It might be time for both you to move on & start over -
unfortunetly, that's just human nature. People will grow older
& go in 2 different directions.
Might be a good time, not to put off divorce, while you're
still communicating. Good luck. To both of you.

Answer 8

Wow, first of all a lot of men age more gracefully, there is a lot of woman attracted to gray hair and distinguished looks (I'm fanning myself) You have to decide if your relationship is worth saving. If not there is nothing short of plastic surgery that is going to help your wife's appearance in your eyes (and it still wont help your relationship) If your answer is yes, then I would suggest going to counseling and start working on your relationship, once your relationship is better, she will look better to you.

Good luck, and remember while you are married don't act on the flattering flirts and propositions of these woman that wont help anything in your marriage.

Answer 9

How would you feel about your wife if you weren't as "handsome" as you think you are? Who's to say that these beautiful women who hit on you are really interested in you. Maybe they are just looking to flirt with a married man who is "safe". We do it all the time ...

Either way, regardless of how your wife has treated you, you need to be honest with her. If you can't live with her because of the way she treats you, fine ... get out.
If you can' live with her because of the way she looks ... you're a jerk and should get out anyway.

Answer 10

I am the first to say work your marriage out but it sounds to me like you need to leave i mean not only is she ugly but she treats you bad to well iam also the first person to say f uck that you can do bad by your self and from what your saying you could do alot better on your on. It's time we take a stand against these ugly people with f uck up attitudes

Answer 11

Dude, talk to yer lady for one. And you do sound shallow. Maybe she treats you that way cause she doesn't want to be hurt by you, so she puts up this huge defence. Yer gonna hafta work this one out on yer own. Check out that guy named Tony, with the big teeth. He's good with this stuff.