Am I losing my dignity for this man? Or is this worth working for?

Question

I can't believe what a pitifully pathetic piece of manure I've become, but I need to talk about this to anyone who can hear. I'm 22 and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months. This is my fourth serious relationship, and I am ready to settle down. This is HIS first serious relationship. I let him know this about four months into our relationship that marriage was my goal, and though he was surprised and a bit confused at first, he seemed to want to get married as much as I did more and more every day. When I let him know from the start that I wouldn't wait for him more than 5 years (probably not even that long), he said that he wanted to get marry ASAP. We even opened a bank account together. But it's been a couple of months since he told me that maybe we won't get married as soon as I had hoped. BUT LAST NIGHT... last night he told me he's not sure he even wants to marry anymore. He just graduated college and he says he's not sure of what he wants anymore. And now he told me that he doubts he'll even be ready to marry in 5 years. He says he wants to marry eventually, but he doesn't know when.... and, he said, "as much as I love you," he's not even sure if we are compatible.

I love him as I've loved no other man.... and though I've tried breaking up with him before, he always begs me not to go... but last night HE broke up with me. He cried like a baby, as did I... but I ran to my house. I couldn't stand the pain of losing him, and I called him telling him that it doesn't matter and that we can work on it. We got back togehter instantly, but things don't really feel the same. Yet he demands the same level of intimacy-- like, sex and sleeping over. I asked him how long are we going to "play house," and he says he doesn't know. WHAT HURTS ME THE MOST is that he said he was so sorry for hurting me, but that he really meant what he had said about spending his life with me at the time. "At the time... I really meant it. I deluded myself." And the bank account? THat was part of the delusion as well.

Now, my question is, should I, the once strong independent woman, and now a pathetic loser-- should I rehearse and wait for him to realize that it is I who he wants to marry, knowing that no matter how much effort I put on my part, I know there's a risk he might let me go? I love him VERY much. I've always been careless and somewhat selfish in relationships which is why they never really worked in the past-- which is why I am trying so hard, because I think he's worth it... but am I losing my dignity? I mean, he's a great guy. Responsible, mature, punctual, loving, caring, spends most of his time with me.. but some of the reasons for our constant bickering have to do with our difference in personalities. You see, he is extremely social and most of his friends are female, whereas I am not too social unless I am attracted to someone, and I am a bit financially irresponsible. He says he wants someone who is financially responsible... and I want to be that way... but if I do, he'll think that I am doing it for him, because honestly I think I am coming off as desperate, and he'll think that I'd do anything to marry him. And I would... but I have no clue what to do.

READERS, please, tell me, WHAT should I do? I love this guy to death, but is he worth my time? SHould I continue to give him "free rides" knowing that I may not get to marry him? Or was he just feeling pressured by my ultimatums and it's in my shoes now to prove that I am not as bitchy? SHould I change my convictions just to keep the guy? PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!

Answer 1

In a relationship of love it doesn't matter what the other is being, doing, having, saying, wanting, thinking or expecting. What matters is how loving you are being in relationship to all of it.

So keep loving till you feel that the love between you & him is at its peak and then the highest climax of love will be marriage!

Answer 2

Here's what to do. Stop rushing things. You don't decide that you want to get married, then find a guy to do it with. Prepare yourself to be alone. What are YOU going to do for a career? How are YOU going to support yourself? Where do YOU want to settle down? Answer the questions then take serious steps to achieve those goals. Once you have achieved those goals find a man you like who has similar goals that are compatible with yours. Once you're comfortable with the person and you see that your goals for marriage and family life are compatible, only then are you ready to marry. It sounds to me like you're not strong enough yet as an individual to be able to be a good partner. I'm not just talking about money, I'm talking about knowing who you are and what you want, and where you're going. Playing house and having joint bank accounts is not what decides if you will have a successful relationship. Find a man who's already established if you feel the need to marry someone this year, not some college boy. If you want to build a happy successful marriage build it on a solid foundation not hopes and dreams of what you think it will be.

Answer 3

Damn free rides, subconsciously and consciously you see yourself as no better than those rides children put a dime in and get jigged up and down for a minute in.
My wife laid the pressure on 21 years ago; I said I'd marry her on the 21st of June the next year if we were still happily together, it seemed like a good idea and proved in 9 months that I would always keep my word. We never have had a joint account I think they are just an excuse for women to be financially dependent and irresponsible and she agrees, doesn't stop her taking cash out of my wallet daily but at least we both have some independence and a good marriage and child.

Answer 4

Wow. I honestly wish I'd read your relationship story in an e-mail or you told me first hand. I'd be more than willing to give you my to cents... I'm a little more hesitant in this method, afterall, millions of people are probably reading it.

Leave him. Walk away. If you two are supposed to be together, you'll realize it after time and do anything and make your lives work to make that happen. You'd share a common goal that way. If not, you may never know and he may keep stringing you along. Something vaguely familiar and similar happened to me with my current boyfriend... and yet we're still together after 2 years.
You were honest with him from the beginning and he may have been deluding himself just to be with you, but that needs to end or he will never know if he really wants to end up with you.
As for what you want... believe me when I say I've been there. I'm 27 now...wow... I just turned 27 and it's still hard to think I'm that old. I feel 24. Anyway~ about you, not me. lol um what was I saying...lemme read.... k...you are only 22. You are definitely ready for something more. Marriage...probably not. I lived with someone else before I moved in with my current bf (only for the summer), so I had thought I weas ready for marriage too. The longer you wait, the more you realize you may not have been ready so early as you thought you were. Make sense? You have a lifetime ahead of you. Slow down... be patient. Honestly, if things don't work out with him, there is someone else out there who is more compatiable and will treat you 200% better. Someone who deserves you and whom you deserve. Give that guy a chance to wak into your life. Take a break from this guy and see if things work out. You need to learn that you don't need him and let him see what life is like without you.

Good luck!
If you wanna talk more, e-mail me or message me and I'll help ya.

Answer 5

First of all, what the hell is your rush to get married???? You're only 22 that makes YOU practically a baby still - trust me from my own experience, you don't know anything about life when you're 22. Plus, what makes you think that if you do get married, you'll still feel the same way about this guy 5 years down the road.

Bottom line is you cannot and should not try to force someone to commit - they either want to or they don't. You probably put too much pressure on him from the get go so that he thought he had to say he wanted to get married if he didn't want to lose you.

Besides - regardless of this being the 21st century, have a little dignity and wait for a man to make a proposal instead of trying to force the issue!!!

Answer 6

Sounds like you already know the answer, he doesn't want the same things you do. A relationship works to the extent that it meets the needs of BOTH of the people involved in it, this isn't meeting yours. It also sounds like the cost is too high, you are referring to yourself as a pathetic loser and mourning the loss of who you used to be, that isn't what relationships and certainly not marriages should be built on. At this point it sounds like he's just stringing you along, not committing to being in the relationship, but not getting completely out either and thats just lame. I think you need to move on, find yourself again and then find someone who has the same goals as you do. You are still very young and you are talking about a lifetime committment, forever is a very long way from 22 so its definitely a decision worth making based on the right principles. good luck!

Answer 7

You need to do something that is very difficult and may even prove impossible for you because you are so gone on this guy. What needs doing is to test his love, for two reasons: 1) to find out if he loves you enough to even be a reasonable candidate for marriage 2) to show him something he doesn't know about himself, namely, whether he loves you or is just in a pleasant situation where he gets what he wants and doesn't have to promise anything. What needs to be done is to shut him off from anything except companionship, civil and friendly, but with definite limits. Your reason is that you can no longer survive as a person in a situation that is tormenting you so badly. The one concession you might make is to talk with him and assure him that nothing in your past could compare with the present, since he is new to this game and may very well wish strongly that it was new to you also. The only good news is that it may not take long for him to make a move one way or the other. There's no way of knowing, but I think there is reason to be hopeful that he will move your way.

Answer 8

As hard as it may be, you need to back off a little. I don't mean that you need to separate from this guy, but you need to try to stop putting forward what your goals are, and issuing deadlines.

If you can give this guy enough space to work out for himself what he really wants, then you may achieve what you believe you want, which is marriage to him. But there is also a risk that he may realise that you are not the right lady for him.

If things are not feeling the same after this "break-up", then it is also possible you may never regain the feeling of closeness you had before. A crisis point such as you have just experienced can be the making or breaking of a relationship, although it may take some time to become aware of which way the relationship is going.

So, while I would strongly recommend you continue to be who you are, true to yourself and what you believe in and want, if you can find it in yourself to back off a little and let the pressure in the relationship subside ... there is a chance it just may work out ... or it may not, as hard as it would be for you to deal with it. Ultimately, you cannot force your boyfriend to marry you, and as much as you love this man, I am sure you would want him to be with you freely and gladly through the love he bears for you.

Answer 9

You poor lovesick soul.

Here is a suggestion:
First, you are 22. Whether you are ready to get married or not...you have lots of time and you need to remember that. Second, he is about 22 too. That means that he is young too. He is not ready. He has told you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you...it means that he isn't ready. You can't make someone ready but you can give them the space to get there.

Second, the process that you described in great length is still a breakup. Maybe it will happen a couple more times...maybe you will get back together...but you are still breaking up. He wants you to be happy...and yet he still loves you and you him. Very complex.

The solution:
Save face----both of yours. Give him space. Tell him that he obviously needs time and space to find out what he wants. Break up with him by saying that you will give him some time to sort things out. You have been together 11 months. That is not much. Particularly at 22. So....suck it up and let him go. He will respect that. Let him see that no one else is better. Don't pursue at all. Let him do what the man has got to do.

While he is gone, make money. Work on that banking account. Grow up a bit....get more pretty. Focus on you .

You may not get him back, but you very well may. Lots of couples breakup for a while before they marry. Lots of couples aren't finished growing up and need to see who they are first.

You will only look bad if you don't back up and let go of him. Tell him you are crazy about him, but you want him to be happy. Give him no sex as soon as you break up. He will have sex with you but meet someone else if you do. Be unavailable and wait to see what happens....The truth will reveal itself within 6 months.

Let go, cry a bit, and then move on for now.

Answer 10

look hon, it really seem to me that you need to deal with you before you get into any kind of relationship with someone else. You need to sort out yourself financially, and emotionally as well. You come over as a bit of a scatter brain who needs to get yourself together. It also occurs to me that you are pushing too hard for marriage, i don't know if he's the "one" for you or not, only God does, but what i can say is that from reading you short story you are not ready for marriage or any kind of relationship right now, stop reading and watching the romance stories and see life for what it is, and if you have a problem with his female friends now you will after you are married and it will only get worse, take a year or two get yourself sorted out and then move on if you aren't complete how can you be ready for marriage. all the best.

Answer 11

Hi,
I was amazed and pained at what you wrote. I do understand the pain from the dilema you are in. You come accross as a person driven by emotions. This is a rare quality and I'd be sad if you were to change into becoming a 'focused' intellectualising woman. Be what you are. You have started too early at 22 to 'search' for a husband, and are already into your 4th relationship. I'd say close the jont a/c, take time out from him- maybe take a trip. Meanwhile stop giving your body to him or playing house. He is more of a habit and IS having his free rides. Take charge of yourself and write to me talk to a friend and generally get him out of your system for a while. And you will be able to put your life in perspective. All the best! Keep in touch.