At Witts End !!!!!?

Question

I have been with the man who is now my husband for 7 years. We have been married 3. We have been through alot together, as any marriage/relationship has. However, for the last 7 years I have taken second place to his computer/games. I ask, beg, plead, cry, and everything else a woman is good at, to let him know how much this frusterates me. I've also gone as far as threatening to leave if he doesn't start paying more attention to my needs as a wife and a woman. Still to this day, he makes it quite clear that his computer/games are his first and formost priority. I've even recently started having thoughts of looking "Elsewhere" for the emotional/sexual connection that I am being deprived. Is there something MORE that I should be doing to help my marriage, or am I just holding on to something that is most likely already gone?

He has 2 children from a previous relationship. We have tried counciling through our church. And I have TRIED to get into his game world, but just can't get interested. Have tried the "Grounding" thing, but, I AM NOT HIS MOTHER, I am his wife. I want him to WANT to spend time with me, not be FORCED to do so.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, you have walked into a trap. If you spent 4 years with this man you should have seen what his real love is. And you chose to marry him. Sadly, men do not change too much after marriage; the oldest mistake anyone can make is to think "He/she will change after I marry her/him." Ask any of us who have been married a longer time. I have been married a lot longer, and my wife would say I have not changed very much, and neither has she. So, the sad truth is "what you see is what you get."
No, he is not going to change; now you must decide if you want to keep him. Is your love for him strong enough to accept second place? It does not sound like it. I am afraid that you know what you must do. In all honesty, if you have tried counseling, it is better to divorce him that to carry on an affair. He will find out, and that will only make things worse. I do not believe in divorce, but sometimes it is the only alternative left. Good luck, and try counseling if you have not already done so. And don't nag; that is the most ineffective thing a person can do! If he will not listen to how you feel when you talk lovingly to him, nagging sure will not work. I wish you the best; do what you must, but DO NOT have an affair; you will regret it.

Answer 2

You answer your own questions.

How much plainer can the man say it? You are second to him. Of course the answer is much harder than me just whipping it up on an email response...but here it is:

You are worth more than a computer game. At some point...your mind and logical way of thinking overlooked the fact that you married a loser. I don't know how old you are...but do you want to be absolutely miserable for the rest of your life? That is a long time.

An affair is just a bandaid for the real problem. You didn't mention that you have kids, but either way...what kind of influence is he giving them.

Break the pattern. Leave. Lots of women make bad choices. It may take a little time to get the education or job that you need...you may be poor for a brief time. But consider if the income he makes is adequate for you to have enough education to get off on your own. If you make decent money now...leave.

If you need sex...remember to abide by the laws of the state so that he can't sue you for alimony when you leave. Any guy as you describe wouldn't mind taking advantage of you in a monetary way too.

Everyone will tell you to leave. I will tell you the real reason why...you are worth so much more and you are allowed to make a bad mistake ...now it is time to fix the problem. Since the problem is absolutely obvious.

Answer 3

As a gamer, i almost gave retired when i met my girlfriend Now and then i do play though. Here's one thing you can do: Talk with him. i mean communicate about your relationship from both ends. plan an outting together or even a trip thats far from game consoles and a computer. Something that involves you two spending quality time together, im sure you guys married each other because you guys love each other, well, i hope you guys did. Try working out a scfhedule even, for when he can spend time with you and play games. You can start when he's at work and you can start by taking his computer and hiding it somewhere where he wont find it. If he can't wait a little to talk with you or can not be reasoned with or takes you to Divorce Court, i wouldn't know what to suggest.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say this, but it's not like you didn't know his gaming obsession before you got married.

Maybe you can get him to play with you on some game or other (I'm not sure which games he plays, but some certainly have 'multiplayer' modes), and bet him that if you beat him in the game, he has to have sex with you?

You may well have to look elsewhere for emotional fulfillment. If he'd rather twiddle his thumbs than have sex with you, I'd say he's got some issues.

Mostly, you should talk to him. Maybe you can agree to a date night, or just some regular time every day to spend together, away from the computer.

Or you should seriously consider moving on before you waste another 7 years of your life watching someone play video games all the time.

Answer 5

I saw someone else had mentioned finding a video game to play together. My husband and I play video games together all the time, but that is only going to be a short term solution for your situation.

I have two friends who are both going through the same situation as you. However, both husbands are on some type of anti-depressant, also. From what I am seeing, I think that has a big impact on the situation they are in. While the anti-depressants are helping them not be depressed, they also seem to be making them care less about everything else...except for their video games because that's what they've always enjoyed doing. And both of these couples have kids who are being neglected by the father because of the video game situation.

Anyway, my one friend just deals with it because she hates confrontation. The other told her husband a couple days ago that she wants a divorce. I don't think that either of them are taking the right path with the situation. I think they both need to talk to their husbands about the problem and if that doesn't work, seek counseling.

Seeing that you have already talked to your husband, I think you're one step ahead of both of them. Now you just need to go a little further with it and go see someone...together. If you go to church, you can meet with your pastor. That way you don't have to pay money to see a professional. I think talking to someone else, especially as a couple, would make a huge impact. It might help him to see the problem in the way he's treating you. Chances are he doesn't see it as a problem at all right now and thinks you are just being a nag.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I hope you can work things out. If you want to talk about it, you are more than welcome to contact me - [e-mail]. Don't know how much help I can be, but since I know what you're dealing with I thought you might want to talk.

Answer 6

first of all I commend you for at least trying this long. personally I'd have to say that he's too selfish to be married. you must have loved him a lot and he must have "thought" he knew what love was. it really is a two way street and if you're going it alone you may as well take the next right turn and head another direction.
he doesn't deserve a person like you, he should be alone and just sit in front of his PC and game until he melts down into a blob of flab.
move on Bambina! you can do WAY better. there are so many quality men out there who are just aching for someone like you to love and cherish that you should try again. this time be more choosy and take your time to find out their true passions, perhaps you will find someone who shares something you both find significant which you can do together.
be strong and start making an exit plan.
you can do it, just believe in yourself.
Best Wishes,
Woody
p.s.
who knows this may wake him up too, if he has a change of heart you may want to give him another chance, but sounds like you'll have to move out to ever know. and by then you'll probably want to meet someone new!

Answer 7

If this has been a problem your ENTIRE relationship, then why on god's green earth did you marry the guy?! That really wasn't a good decision.

But that aside, since you can't change the past. You really have no right to demand that he pay more attention to you this way because he's been obsessed with his computer as long as you've known him. You can't marry a guy and make him change. You have to like him the way he is BEFORE you marry him. It's really not fair to him to ask that he change, when he's been this way for seven years and you never left him for it.

You may not like it, but you'll probably end up getting divorced. He obviously can't meet your needs, and well, he's obviously not competent enough to have a mature relationship. You just can't change him. Period.

Answer 8

I can't stand losers who spend time on video games over their wives, especially dipshlts who play Everquest. I have been with quite a few married women and some of them have the same problem as you. A guy who puts his video games over a woman is a joke. I don't blame you for look "elsewhere". However, I am surprised you want to stay with him. Divorce his @ss and let him spend the rest of his pathetic life by himself. Good luck.

Answer 9

Why don't you join him ? If you want something from him ... then go down to his level ... there must be a reason to this. You want him to drop what he loves for you. Why don't join him in what he loves to do ? He then appreciates this and in turn will appreciate you even more ... you then get what you want.

Excuse me priority is a stupid word commonly used to denote selfishness. It does not solve your problem which is attention. People use this word to label a problem and not go to the root and fix it. Why don't you concentrate on how you can be happy with him or how you can help him make you happy ?

Answer 10

Which is worse? Him being at home playing computer games or him being not at home playing with other women?

I wished mine chose the computer games and be able to have the chance to save and spice up the marriage. With him choosing other women, left me torn apart and picking up pieces on my own.

So, I hope you would not resort to external connections yet. Talk it out and I hope the best for you, sweetie.....