Husband's in a funk... How do I get him out?

Question

We just got married on 2/1. He moved to WI from IL, so subsequantly, quit his job. It took him 2 months to find a job-which was at a small engine shop...not computers like he is most interested in (and very good at). He was there from 4/17-6/30... He got let go because the work load slowed down dramatically. I have been working full time this whole time.

We are moving on 8/1 & the apartment is SO far from being ready to go. He claims it's because it's "my stuff"...although he could very well pack various areas up that may not be my personal stuff (he moved in with me when we got married, so the furniture, etc. was previously mine). He has packed 2 boxes.

He keeps saying that he'll clean up around here...the kitchen is almost unusable, and the steak he pulled out yesterday is still on the counter (because we ended up going to my mom's last night to do laundry and ate there).

What can I do to get him out of a lazy funk? ANY advice will be great! He wasn't like this before...

WOW! Thank you for all these great responses so quick!! I'm going to try giving some of them a try...today...as it is 9am and he's still in bed-despite that I threw open the blinds and made and brought him coffee (I learned the hard way that when I forcibly wake him up, he's really crankly! LOL). Keep 'em coming!!

I should mention...I have offered for us to go back to IL-numerous times. Chicago has more computer opportunites than Milwaukee. Every time he says "no". We are actually staying within this apartment complex-just upgrading from a 1-bedroom to a 2-bedroom so we can bring more of his stuff up.

He had 2 interviews this week-1 turned out to be an unpaying internship and the other is a computer consulting staffing firm...that they are supposed to be sending him tests to take (via e-mail/internet), and he hasn't gotten them or e-mailed them about it.

He sits here all day watching TV and working on our webpage-not cleaning or doing homework (we are both in college)...and then gets upset when I ask him to cook dinner.

There are just SO many good answers here!! I really appreciate everyone's input!! We are definitely seeing progress!! I tried a little of everything! However, that's left me unable to decide, so I have to put this to a vote!! Voters-vote wise!!! This is a toughie! ;-)

Answer 1

be supportive and stroke his ego.
sounds like he is discouraged so make him feel good about himself.

Answer 2

He's overwhelmed right now. The best thing you can do is lighten his burden, not ask him to do more. He's left his home, left his job, he's new to married life, got laid off from another job, he's moving again, the apartment isn't close to being ready... Everything in his life is in turmoil. His whole life has changed in the last 6 months. He has no sanctuary right now. Ask for help from your family to get the apartment in order. At least if he has a place to call home and there is no stress there it will give his mind some ease so he can start focusing his energy on the other things. I'm all for tough love, but this isn't the situation to use it. Go easy on him until things settle down and stabilize. Once things settle into a routine and he can get back to work, he'll start feeling better about himself and you'll get the man you married back.

Answer 3

Look at the changes that he's made in his life. He was married in February, he moved to a new state, moved in to a place you were already living, had to search for a job, got a job in a field he wasn't interested in, lost that job. If you talk to any counselor they would tell you that those events in one's life cause a great deal of stress let alone having them occur in the span of 6 months!!
You need to be supportive of him. Yes, you shouldn't baby him and he does need to find work. You didn't indicate where you were moving to (another move) but put it in the perspective of that you're both starting over, putting the past six months behind you. He needs to find a job. I'm sure that his ego is crushed from losing his job. Be encouraging, perhaps help him find jobs in the computer field. Be flexible, perhaps you should both move to IL or someplace where he can get a job in his field.
Hang in there, things can only get better.

Answer 4

Sorry...the first year is usually about finding a balance between the two partners. But it sounds like your guy is really bummed out, and doesn't have a whole lot to look forward to in his career. Can you both agree to find jobs in a different location and then make the move? Also, maybe a small vacation to get away from "it all" to rethink and problem-solve. You may want to consult a counselor to help trouble shoot. Don't suggest it for him (but we all know that he probably could use it...given his circumstance...) you might get some great advice from a marriage counselor. Good luck. The first year is usually the toughest one...

Answer 5

Your husband is feeling like he's somehow less of a man. I don't know why, but it sounds like he's shutting down because he's depressed he's not doing anything with his life right now. People have these perceptions of the kind of people they will be when they get older, maybe your husband woke up one day, and saw he wasn't living up to his own predictions. Men are very unusual creatures, their pride and confidence is how they cope with everyday situations and survive. I know that when my husband was out of work, it was the very same thing. He didn't help at all. It's not that he was lazy, he was just depressed that he thought he was a burden to me. But men are not like women, as we all know. Instead of busting his hump trying to clean, and packing so you don't have to, because he feels like he's a burden, he just mopes around, feeling sorry for himself. I can't begin to tell you why, but with my experience, it's just what they do. Try validating your husband in some way, and let him know he's still valuable to you. Don't let him think that his slacking makes him more of a dead weight, it will just make him worse. Try a nice talk to get him to explain why he feels he must turn inward for his solace, instead of clearly communicating his needs and wants, so that you can solve his problems head on, and together.

Answer 6

The short answer is that only he can get himself out of a funk. How long have you know him? I'd suspect depression. The long answer? Get him to an expert on depression if he'll go. Make it clear that he cannot continue in this vein and he needs to get help. Do that IF, and only if, you are prepared to hold his feet to the fire. You'll not be doing him, nor yourself, any favor if you don't. But you've got to be the one to decide if the price you're paying for what you've got is too high. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

Answer 7

Sounds like a major depression episode. Many men get their self worth from their job. He lost his, he lost his self worth. You may have to be the boss for a while. Give him 'jobs' to do. "I need you to clean the kitchen up today, (the job) when I get home from work, I'll cook something nice (the pay)." Men are usually 'fixers', so telling him you NEED him to do something may be the trigger that gets him going. Don't forget to be supportive of his physical needs. He needs to know that even though he may have lost his job, you are still attracted and aroused by him.

Answer 8

Darling--you gotta remember you married a man!
I think he may be feeling bad cause he is not the "man" of the house. I think you need to stroke the old ego to get him out of his rut. When you have extra time look up some interesting jobs and make them available to him (don't do it for him, just make it really easy for him to find!) I think he just wants to contribute and take care of you and he is a bit depressed because he can't right now. Take care of him! Good Luck!

Answer 9

As a man, I take pride in my job because we are culturally raised that the man should be the primary breadwinner. I would be devastated too. He needs to feel special. In all seriousness, I would get motivated if my woman ultra supported me. One of the best ways i can think of is get super sexy on him. Tell him for every box he packs, you will start kissing his ankle and work your way up.
if he packs 10 boxes....then its super ******* time. start a sex for work trade going...you both might have fun!

Answer 10

try to talk to him.and plz he is your husband you should understand him.he must be having somekind of problem .