To let go or not to let go?

Question

My son's father is upset I won't let my son come live with him. Don't misunderstand there is freedom to see him during Summer and long school breaks such as Christmas. Sadly this year I wasn't able to get my son to him because we now live in a different state. Its not like I am taking him away. I've tried many times to get him there for the summer. I love my son and its very important to me he is happy but he is also 12. I feel that going to live with his father is not such a good idea. His father is a good man but now just isn't the time. I'm I being over protective? OF COURSE! that is MY baby. His father has other children a wife and I adore her and the kids, but my concern is my own. They have totally different values and lacking some I have taught my son. I'm really afraid that all the work I've done with my son will be undone. Am I still being unfair by asking his father to wait and keep the orginal arrangement we had for now? (email me if you would like to help and more info)

Answer 1

Your not being over protective. Your son is still young and he will be confused with the values you teach him and the ones of his father. I would suggest he wait until he is 16 before going to live with his father. At this age I think they have a better understanding of how the world is. It will be hard at any age. I understand looking out for your own no matter how nice the new wife is. I recently let me son go stay with his father for a week and I miss him so and I am sure at sometime he will want to go live with him. Hopefully this helps and if you want to email more about this, please contact me.

Answer 2

HUGE PROBLEM!!!! How do you seperate your need for your son and to raise him how you see fit, from what your son needs, what will ultimately make him the happiest. I'm a mother of a young son and couldn't imagine having him leave to live with his dad, it would BREAK my heart!!! I think because your boy is 12 it might be time to discuss with him what he wants, not because you told him no tv for some reason or the other, but what he really thinks would be best. At the same time you don't want the desicion to be on his shoulders, picking parents isn't fair, but definatly make him feel that his input is important and taken into consideration.
Perhaps if his father is serious about what is best for his son he will help you out to make sure his son can spend a month or two with him in the summer, or when school isn't in.
I personally believe that a child needs both parents, but he needs his mom maybe just a sliver more. At twelve he's really teetering on the edge of needing advice on becoming a man that you might not be able to provide to him. See what he's comfortable with and follow your intuition. Don't base your decision on fear, put the intention out there that you truly want whats best for your boy to grow into the man you want him to become.

If nothing else talk to his school counsellors, teachers, coaches, pastor/minister/priest (if religious) and see what they have observed. Go talk to a family counsellor or child phycologist and see what they recommend. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!! No one wants the empty nest syndrome when their child is only 12, that's a toughie!!! Be strong....

Answer 3

Does your son want to go???That is the most important question. If your son wants to go live with his father let him, if you do not then your son will hold that against you as he grows up. If he is going becuase he thinks it will be better at dads house trust me when I say he will have a rude awakening and probably be back home before you can dry your eyes. kids tend to put the absent parent on a pedistal thinking that they can do no wrong, when they see what that parent really is like on a full time basis it usually makes the bond with the custodial parent better. Good luck, I know that it will be hard, but maybe take a trip or something, or do something that you have been unable to do to take your mind off of it.

Answer 4

I think it depends on many things. Who moved out of the state? You or him? If he did then he left his own child behind. Does he pay child support? Does your son enjoy being there or does he feel like a 2nd class citizen? When your son is there do you think he is being influenced badly? If not then he should go. He needs a father. You can talk to him about you both having different values etc etc and that he can come home anytime. Are you being selfish and putting your son in the middle you and his father's realationship or are you generally worried about him being badly influenced? e-mail me i f you want to talk about it some more.

Answer 5

What does your son want? Have you asked him? It might be time to do that. If he's wanting to be with his father and you keep them apart (even if it's unintentional) then you are risking a lot more than your son's value system. He could come to really resent you if he sees you as the reason that he doesn't get to see his dad. If he is 12 years old, then he is probably able to handle and understand a lot more than you think. Talk to your son!

Answer 6

You don't specify what your arrangement is, but if you both agreed to it , than it is probably reasonable, and should be adhered to.
One thing kind of struck me.... you said you weren't able to get your son to him this year. If it was so important for your ex to see his son, why didn't he make the effort to come get his son? The answer might well lie in the fact that he has moved on, and has started a new family.
While i'm sure your situation will work out, please keep in mind that nothing is more painfull for a child than seeing his parents fight. Good Luck.

Answer 7

You are the child's mother and you know best. I am not saying he doesn't have a good father. I think you should go with what you gut tells you....maybe now is the time to go live with his father and maybe it's not. Does your son want to go live with him? Would your ex husband's wife and kids be a good or bad influence on your child? Do they go to Church? There are so many questions going through your mind i am sure. There is no easy answer only you can decide this one!!!!! Personally I think you will know when and EVER IF it is time for him to go.---ella

Answer 8

I have a two year old son. My personal opinion is that both parents need to have some sort of influence in the childs life. He may learn different things with his dad but in the long run he will have to decide what is right or wrong. You need to give him space and teach him to start making his own decisions. If he wants to go then let him.

Answer 9

From the stand point that you two have an arrangement and you are not able to abide by it, unless it is court ordered then I would say keep him till you feel it is okay.
However if it is in legal documents that he is to have him certain times, your ex could take you back to court for visitation;/custody.
Remember he is his father and maybe they don't have the same exact values, but you have raised him so far with those values, I am sure they cannot take them all out of him before he returns bak home to you.
I hope this helps.

Answer 10

I don't think it's a matter of what you want but what your son wants. If you don't let him live with his dad he may resent you. Maybe you could let him live there for the summers and use the excuse you don't want him to switch schools. You need to follow your instincts and do what seems right by your son but also you can't not let him not live with his dad if he feels really strongly about it. Compromise somehow so you look like you're making an effort.