Need Relationship Advice?

Question

My husband just recently admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. For the past several years I have been telling him he needs to drink responsibly. . .I guess I always knew. No, I did know but didn't want to face the truth. Now that he is sober and attending AA regularly I have resentment issues with him. He is not the man I married, and honestly dealing with all of this I am not the woman he married. What advice out there for anyone who has ever had to deal with deciding to leave or stay; separate or hold on? I want to be supportive but I also want to do what is also in my best interest too. . .

Answer 1

Right now all you can do is be suppotive. If you still love him and what to be with him then try starting over. Remember all the places you two when when you were dating? try going back, and recreating thoses dates, or have new ones. you can go to a quiet resturant and talk about the simple stuff, like what is your favorite color, or what your favorite childhood memory was. You can also throw in some questions like what the most fondest memory you two share about each other, or what your favorite picture of the other is. Since he is admitting his problem and taking steps to overcome it, that tells me that he is trying to change for the better. I'll admit the people you two fell in love with in the beginning and the people you two have changed into over the years is not the same, but its the growing together, the drive to achive the same goals, and the compassion that you two share for each other that will make the marragie work. As for the resentment issues, they need to be worked out. You can say you forgive someone, but its whats inside your heart that counts. If you find yourself dwelling on it a lot just remember you could have a lot worse resentment for him. If worse comes to worse you could try staying with one of your friends for a couple of weeks. just let him know that you need some time to think and remind him you will be faithful to your marragie, (men worry about that kinda stuff when a women says she needs time apart)but go out and have fun. Still keep in contact with him, and you can even go on a few dates with him, but don't let it get carried away. Remember this is your time to be yourself and you don't want to be talking to him or seeing him every second of everyday, because if you do then what was the point of taking some time apart. Eventually you will find that if you still love him the resentment you carry will be over powered by the love you still have and you will both be on more willing grounds to work through it.

Answer 2

Well girlfriend it sounds like your man is growing up. his taking action should be a sign that he loved you enough to seek help.

AA is an EXCELLENT program for this problem.
I suggest you read
His Needs, Her Needs, By Willard harley jr.
AND The 5 Love languages, Chapman

Now work on the Marrital communication. now that your both changing it's a good time to get back on the same page and begin working on common dreams.

( SUPPORT HIM IN AA PLEASE> ) addictions are tough if you abandon him now and later learn he was Mr. Right ( you will NEVER have a second chance at a marriage because he will NEVER trust you again. ever!

best suggestion I can offer. Stay marriad.
ask to attend AA with him for a few weeks or even take active interest and attend each meeting. BUT Find something you can both do together for fun.
Also he is at a low point now. as he regains confidence, and makes the change from (needing support ) to (being a rock for someone else) he will gain a sence of confidence, and compassion and it will help him in your marriage.

have faith girl this too shall pass. and how would you feel if your man kicked you to the curb if you was the one needing support, and a shoulder to lean on. trust me your turn will come.

OH. PS suggest talking to a professional Counciler. if you wish as they can really help troubled marriages.

Answer 3

Set up limits without threats. If there is some way to explain to him that you will not spend your life with an alcoholic without setting any sort of ultimatum, then do it.

You did agree to, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer" didn't you? If you are concerned about "my best interests" then why did you get married in the first place? Sounds like you have already divorced him in your heart. Your first attitude should be, "Our best interests", and not simply your own.

Ok, so dealing with an alcoholic is big, but I have to admit, the list of problems I have had with girlfriends is huge. They all have issues that were insurmountable, and none of them were drug related. I have a feeling no one will be good enough for you unless they are rich and the money makes them look flawless.

Answer 4

This is so tough, I know a recovering alcoholic(not married to him) and they have some serious emotional rollercoaster issues. I think that you need marriage counseling on top of him going to AA. I am going to assume that he thinks his recovery is the most important job for him right now, it is not, it is equally important to keeping your marriage strong. You should support him but not to the point of self destruct. Talk to someone, even if you have to go alone. When I was deciding whether to leave my husband or not(different issues) I did it the old fashioned way paper pen and 2 columns, good versus bad, for both leaving and staying. I chose to stay, but we have 3 kids, and 13 years. You do what you need to do for self and kids if you have any, your husband is a grown man and he is the one that chose to drink.

Answer 5

I was w/ a guy for two years and he had a drug problem. In the beginning of our relationship he was having problems but not so bad that he couldn't fix,u no what i mean,...anyway as our relationship progressed so did his habits. About a year and a half into the relationship he sobered up. When all the drama was done I found myself (i no this sounds bad) loving him less. I found myself almost wishing he would have never quit it was like I needed him to lean on me and need me. It was like I felt I had a place w/ him only when he need me through the thick times (it sounds like im disscusting) but it was true.

good luck

Answer 6

wow that is tough,I hope you can work It out for your own sanity
I think that your husband is still in AA from what you said so that would mean to some degree he's still working on himself
maybe he will be the man you married soon, someone you could truly love.
maybe you should think about going to therapy together, go to an al a non meeting, its just for support you can air your feelings there, it might help you need support too. not just your husband
I hope it works out for you

Answer 7

Either go to counseling or leave. Whenever you leave he's going to be hit hard, but he's not a baby (let's hope), He's got big shoulders, and whether he falls off the wagon or not, he'll get back on sooner if you leave sooner. He's already in the middle of a transition, might as well come full circle and let him start getting used to the life he's going to have from now on.

Answer 8

i would recommend 2 books for you: one is "getting the love you want" by someone Harville. he's a christian but this is not a book that mentions christ--just solid principals. second book is "breaking free" which is a book study by beth moore. if you can find a church that has the tape series that goes along with it, that'd be icing on the cake, but going thru the book study on your own even without the tapes will really give you something you need, freedom from the bondage of past hurts and personal disappointments. blessings to you sister, i am praying for you in this journey.

Answer 9

Relationship counseling.
Try a vacation/second honeymoon first though, get away from everything that reminds you two of your most recent past, and see if you two can see the real other person without all the baggage that you've accumulated on the way.

Answer 10

What is the rift? Do you enjoy drinking and resent him because he can no longer drink? Did he do something stupid and blame it on the drinking? There are issues here that need to be resolved, and if you want to keep your marriage, get joint counseling.