If your husband cheats on you and became cold while blaming you for the fact that he cheated. What would u do?

Question

He cheated with someone on his job and became cold towards me. He want to work things out but want to still talk to this person as friend... This is not something that I can accept....

This incident happen five month ago I don't know why we are still together, if it is because of our children.... But I found out that it was on going, he claimed that this person is his friend and he don't feel that anything is wrong with him still talking to her because she is not the issue... She feels the same way....

Answer 1

Well if your man is cheating then you have to be honest with your self and admit there is more here then meets the eye. his being cold tword you ( is possibly a sign that you really pissed him off) while a woman might blow her top, or punish him another way men some times feel ( his having an affair is alot like a woman dating another man to make a man jealious. I'll teach her for taking me for granted. or a lesson) after all if she does not ( demonstrate her love for me why do I have to remain faithful to her) ((( OH BTW just saying " I love you to your hubby is NEVER enough" we are firm believers in " Actions speak louder then words"

Ok first step is seek professional help.

fact is you alone are not going to make a dent in your hubby's though process. after all your part of the problem at this time. ( does not mean it's your fault. )
you may decide to start counciling on your own, and bring hubby into the picture later. ( not the best choice but may be the only alternitive if he refuses to attend) or you may both agree to select a counciler you can both feel comfortable with ( usually gets best results. )

You can also start reading marrital relationship books

His Needs. Her Needs. By Willard Harley jr. is a good one to start with

The 5 Love Languages by Chapman would be a second choice.

BUT understand reading these books, and not getting professional help is not enough
You need the (NEUTRAL) referee who will act as a referee so you can bring every thing out into the open, and someone who is looking to uncover the lies your both going to tell ( people always do.)
.
Usually the first step in counciling is to seperate the cheating spouce from the 3rd party. and the cheating person will have to have clear and effective checks and balances in place in order to repair the broken trust. after all if you can not trust him any longer the marriage is doomed to failure.

Also you need to understand this. ( Men have a much tougher time breaking off affairs. then women do.) ( usually affairs are based on a "Sex*ual Need" and yes you will learn Se* is one of your husbands "5 most basic needs" along with recreational companion and 3 others " which you will need to read the book to learn =) " if any one of the 5 is missing he will probably cheat. ESPECIALLY for sex. ( SE*) is how men gain confidence. it's hardwired into our systems for survival. while women need ( appreciation) men have to have sex in our lives to remain well adjusted. especially since we are bombarded daily in TV, movies, magazines, and as you walk the streets, and workplaces in real Life. ( it takes a very disiplined man or one who is activally sexual with a partner to ignore the daily bombardment.
if you want to test this theory.
1) stop and look at your life. how much sex surrounds your man. how do the women dress at the place he works, what shows does he watch. is he spammed on the computer with naked women.
2) Try parading around your home for several nights before bed. wear something really sexy like a naughty nighie. or something you know he has mentioned in a fantasy like a french main outfit, or you can really grab his attention and wear nothing. ( Does he watch you even if he is Cold, and distant? ) then you know his sex drive is working normally. now it's your job to keep it focused on " YOU " Or does he totally blow you off. ( he is sexually satisfied or finds you " VERY UNATTRACTIVE" which is bad as he will associate sexual relationship with you as painful. ( this is about the only reason men might not be interested) but get the facts in counciling before you assume the worst.

Now FYI when you start working with a counciler be prepared to AIR all the dirty laundry, and I mean every thing. ( you can not fix a problem if your not willing to be honest. ) Also be prepared to accept responsibility for the mistakes you made with your husband. this will go along way to cutting through the lies he will be willing to tell. and chances are he will be telling some real doosies during the first couple of sessions ( Including noty seeing the other woman. while chances are he is still meeting her. )
his goal will be to look better in the councilers eyes. TRUST ME the professionals will uncover the lies. and quickly. and help you rebuild trust ( IF your willing to work on repainring the marriage.) be prepared to go through hell though it will not be easy. but it may be the best thing you do in your life.

Now you need to understand things said in these sessions ( WILL HURT) sorry but there is no other way to soften this part. what will happen is that with this information. You will be able to decide

1) can we save our marriage?
2) if not what is the plan now.

But your right. if you have any chance in saving the marriage. you have to get him away from the other woman, and start filling ( His 5 basic needs) so he has no need to look else where for them.

God Bless

Answer 2

You haven't said how long, or if there are children involved. No one could give accurate advice without knowing these 2 components. But I will say this, never let anyone blame you for their actions. If he is trying to work it out and degrades you in the progress then I would tell him that you need a third party to help you make your decision, i.e. a counselor, your clergy, someone like that. Divorce is not always the right answer, but making him respect you is. Also, him maintaining the relationship with her even on a "friend" basis is out of the question, and he needs to understand that. but he is probably caught between a rock and a hard place on that becuase his dumb a$$ sh!t where he eats, if you know what I mean, he has to have some kind of contact with her if they work together. If he has been at that job less then say 5 years he should look for something else, otherwise she is always going to be around

Answer 3

I am not proud of this but I have cheated on my husband several times. You need to get out now why you can. The reason I say this is because your husband wants to remain friends with her. He is not serious about this marriage. He will just find other ways to cheat. There is no way you can except him being friends with her. Believe me I know! I wish I would have done everything differently now. I should have been honest with my felings and left the marriage. I am 31 now and I got married when I was 15. I was angry at him for different reasons(leaving me to take care of the kids by myself,lyeing to me alot) . I am not mad anymore because I realize now that no one can give you what they don't need. We just don't have the same needs or wants in life. If you do want to work on your marriage you need to sit down together and see if you can give each other what you need. If there is something lacking in the realtionship he will cheat again. Protect yourself! He will hurt you! Exspecially if he wants to remain having a relationship with her! Also keep in mind in all your relationships in life you get something out of them.Friend(girl) you can talk about girly things that you may not talk to spouse about. Husband: talk about intement things ect.ect. What is he getting from her that he can't get from you? Even if he wants to call her just a friend. That is a lie! For him to even suggest such a thing should tell you 1 he is saying you are stupid 2 he has no respect for you!
I wish you the best of luck! I hope things get better!

Answer 4

Your husband cheated and then blamed you, because he is an immature coward who cannot take responsibility for his own deceitful actions.

If he cheated with someone from work, I would tell him.."Look if you want to work things out with me...then you need to start looking for another job immediately. If not, then I suggest you look for another place to live, because you won't be living with me."

if he agrees to quit his job, but then drags his heels about looking for another job then tell him...
"You need to move out. "Call me when you have found another job and then maybe we can talk, but until that happens, we have nothing more to discuss."

And then, stick to your guns. You say that this is something you cannot accept? Well then you need to show him that you mean business. If you don't... there's no guarantee that he won't resume the affair and eventually leave you anyways.

Don't you think you've received enough of an emotional battering? Haven't you cried enough?
Take back some of your self-esteem and take charge of the situation.

Remember no one can do to you what you don't allow.
And you'll come out a better stronger person in the end, no matter what you ultimately decide to do.

Good Luck~*

Answer 5

He is cold because he is grabbing at straws for an excuse to blame anyone other than himself for the affair. Talking to her, or befriending her is not something that he should be doing if he has any hopes of making up with you... This is not a good way to build trust.. Furthermore, Maybe he is sorry he got caught. How can you work things out without pulling the sliver out of the wound? If she was a REAL friend she would not want to cause his divorce. She would avoid him.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. There should be no question here.. Sounds like you need counsiling to learn how to set boundries, as well as he.

A marriage that struggles with infedity, can be made whole once again, but it involves sacrifice on both sides. Doesn't sound like he is willing to do that. A person has to show that he is sorry for his actions, in order to be forgiven.

I am sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope everything works out for you, regardless of whether he remains in your life or not.

Answer 6

And you shouldn't have to accept it either.The fact that he cheated on you,in itself,is terrible.It's so hard to get that trust back.However,for him to want to still stay "friends" with her,is UNACCEPTABLE!!!IF he is as sorry as he says,and wants to work it out,then he needs to be able to do it 100% of the way.First,NO other woman should come before you.He needs to cut this woman off completely.Then possible,he needs to find another job,or if he can,switch the location(if there are more of his work in the same vicinity)where he works at.Tell him it's all or nothing.Either he wants you and wants to make it up to you,or doesn't.He doesn't get to have you both,as lovers or as friends.Also,don't you let him EVER think that it is your fault or that you did anything wrong,because you DIDN'T!!He did the bad things and now,he needs to reconcile and at least try to fix the hurt he has caused.If he won't give the other woman up,as friends or whatever,then you need to go on without him.Life is too short to be treated like that.Good luck!!

Answer 7

Hi The way of modern life and a house full of children, with all its pressure and conflict does not help. there is still something there by the sound of it. aggravated by your questions and aggravated by the children he and you have had, he is so obviously responsible, otherwise he would have left. be grateful he still supports you with his income, maybe its just yet another phase. we all go through this in our early lives some ride out the storms and some just cop out. Time will tell where you are going. a break might be the answer for one or both but it will be a choice which could kill the relationship altogether.

Answer 8

Sounds like something I'm also going through. He doesn't seem to think that 'being friends' with a person they've had an affair with is not acceptable.

I don't have an answer, I just know what a hard situation you are going through. Just do what others have told me this evening and try to be strong for yourself. Make a decision that's best for you.

Answer 9

divorce him. he is not considering your feelings on this. there is no way they can still be friends you wouldn't be able to trust him with her and he is very lucky that u are trying to make your marriage work. don't back down on this you are very right on this and ask him how he would feel if u cheat on him and u still want to be friends with the person that u cheated on him with he wouldn't want u to be friends with the person or even talk to the person. good luck on everything.

Answer 10

I think you should do whatever you think you should do. I think you should think about it a lot. You could stay with him, and have affairs of your own, for some people that isn't the end of the world, for some it is. You could divorce him. You could stay with him or divorce him. You shouldn't expect him to be faithful in the future, although he might be, it's not likely because it's not likely for any man or woman to remain faithful to one other person, unless they are like... really old.