How can I tell when my hubby is bored with me?

Question

My husband does everything he can to avoid me. He loves his time off. I dont get it. He only comes to me for sex and when he is down. Other then this, he just wants to talk to buddys, watch television, hang out and talk guns or cop stuff. I feel very alone! I am pregnant and last time I was pregnant he did this to me! What? Is he so comfy that I am prego that he feels he doesnt have to try anymore? He is out of state right now, with my family, and didnt even call to say hello or goodnight. Something is dead wrong. No, I AM NOT FAT... no.. I AM FAR FROM UGLY! Yes, I keep him very happy in the bed, in fact nightly, yes, I do tons of foreplay, yes, I keep his things very clean around the house and I feed him well, so I just dont get it. Plus, this last year of marriage, not one gift, he didnt even remember valentines day, and our anniversary, nothing. I am worried he isnt in love anymore.

Can Dudes be so selfish and spoiled by their FREAKING MOTHERS... that the hubby sees me as his mother numero 2 instead of his wife, with added extras? I cant stand this mommy boy **** and his mother calls EVERY FRRRRREAKING DAY! GOD I HATE HER!

his mother is DRIVING ME FREAKING NUTS. I HATE THE BIOTCH. She called and told me that I shouldnt be having a second child because the chances of it being retarded are high. She called me with our first child at 6 am in the morning after a c-section to talk about his ex wife the ignorant biotch.

Answer 1

It's hard to not take this personally, but what you are describing probably has little or nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, we men can have a hard time seeing our mates in a maternal role, pregnancy being the big one. Can you guess why?

We are oftern conflicted over the mom/mate thing. Oh, yea, no one likes to talk about it, but the rejection is due to that inability to see you as both mother and lover at the same time. I can guess your hubby is not down with counseling; so just be aware, and try to be as un-mother like as possible towards him. Hang on, pregnancy is a relatively short-term deal.

Answer 2

did we marry the same guy??? LOL. It sound like you are describing my husband! (And also the husbands of half my friends and neighbors!) I do all those things for my husband too! For so many years, it has seemed to all be for nothing. Mine has done some pretty bad things when he gets that way. He's that way mildly but when he starts goiing over board with it the way that he has in the past, the way you are describing of yours. Keep an eye on him. I've learned to watch for those "special" signs of impending trouble... Oh...& he always got worse during my pregnancies too : ( ~~~Good luck.

Answer 3

Still, he sounds like an inconsiderate Oaf! He doesnt sound bored with you - he sounds boring and spoiled. With everything you've said you sound like a catch!

If you love him and believe he does love you, invest time in things you enjoy. I would consider laying off all the pampering and find ways to pamper yourself !!

Answer 4

Sorry girl, he's not giving the love and you're surely not feeling it. If everything you say is true, that boy is taking you for big time granted... you know what, for one week, don't do anything for him. Don't clean, don't give him sex, don't do anything. Then let's see if he pays more attention to you.

Answer 5

In regards to whether he is "in love with you," well, even a real cad knows that he needs to do SOMETHING for Valentine's Day and the wedding anniversary. There's no real excuse for skipping those entirely, except for doing it on purpose.

He's decided he's going to just be completely passive and enjoy being taken care of. I think you are really hitting the nail on the head with the "momma's boy" thing.

Yes, you stated all the things that you do to make him happy -- and he seems to not respond in the least in any positive way to show you that he appreciates it and cares about you in return. He is very much like a little boy, being taken care of by a mother figure... either you or his mom.

(Chances are he's probably not real close to your kid either. I bet he feels completely unsure of how to be a dad, being a father scares him to death, so he ignores the entire issue and lets you pick up the slack.... which you probably do, in your attempts to please him.)

You insinuate he has an ex-wife. Did he leave her? Did she leave him... and why? You can bet that the same pattern existed in his other relationship(s).

The way in which his mother seems to intrude constantly in his (and thus your) life seems to suggest his "momma boy" nature -- she sounds like a domineering woman to me, and he sounds like he just let her "absorb" him and make all the decisions for him, so that he could avoid the responsibility of growing up and having to be a man and care for others besides himself.

So he's retreated into the "little boy" role, partly out of fear of not knowing what to do, and partly because it's comforting him to be a little boy and be taken care of by the two women in his life.

It's very hard to break that cycle. Maybe part of him even hates where he is at (another reason he could be withdrawing), but he has no clue what to do and so finds it easier to play the kid role.

Is there any part of the marriage he cares about, or any way to get his attention in order to talk about this stuff? You need to have a conversation with him -- one that is not angry or argumentative, but stating pretty clearly how you feel and that you need him to play his part as your husband and father to your child(ren). He is experiencing the benefits of being married and a father, without living up to the responsibility that comes with the territory.

You need to lay out what you will do as well, not as a threat, but simply because you can't do what you've been doing anymore -- it's bad for your marriage and you don't have enough energy to totally take care of three people, plus yourself.

To be honest, I am not sure of the best course of action. Some people will advise cutting loose now. Maybe that's what will eventually happen. It certainly won't be easy to fix your marriage. First he has to want to change.

I would probably have that talk with him (set aside a specific amount of time, so he knows how long the conversation will run), and be honest about where you are at -- not dumping on him or making him feel guilty for all the ways in which he has failed, but trying to really reach the part of him that might care about you. You married him because you loved him, you've done what you could do to please him, and you need him to love you so that your relationship can make it. Loving you means realizing where you need help, where you need to feel valued, and stepping in and being there for you.

If he can't commit to at least trying (even if he fails at first a lot), then the marriage will fail.

But I do think you need to stop all the "extras." Don't hold back sex as a weapon to manipulate him or hurt him (that's not a great attitude) -- but hold it back because you don't feel valued by him and thus aren't comfortable with being that vulnerable. Right now, he's not really making love to you, he's just really using you as a means of gratification. You don't have to allow that.

Same thing with all the extras -- do the basics, but don't pamper him anymore. He's a big boy. Some men even do the laundry. Give him room to pick up the slack. If he complains, tell him you can't keep up the pace and need him to help you.

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Just curious, why does your mother-in-law think your next baby could be retarded? Is that actually a real possibility, or is she just off her rocker? (I won't speculate on whose genetics might be messed up.)

In any case, take a deep breath about your mother-in-law. Yes, she's being a jerk, and I don't blame you for wanting to vent. She sounds like she would frustrate anyone.

But reacting to her won't help with dealing with your husband; and I'm betting she's got a wonderful past as well, contributing to her rather bizarre behavior. An all-out war with her forces your husband to feel as if he has to pick sides... You have to stay cool and worry about dealing with your husband.

Answer 6

Sounds like my ex-husband and his mother. We are no longer together but now he is with someone who is just as messed up as he is. I am now with someone who treats me and my boys wonderfully.

Answer 7

He is cheating on you.I say that you should find you someone else and get a divorce!He might be he needs something new.good-luck!

Answer 8

A woman can tell that a man is bored with her when he starts asking her about her....her day, her wants, her desires, etc.

Answer 9

He needs to go home with Mommy....You deserve better than that

Answer 10

Sounds to me you folks need counseling. You need to communicate better.