my husband is having an affair?

Question

Ive been married 15 years in an upddown relationship.One son and one who died ayear and half ago at 7 months old.While he was in hospital i discoverd my husband on the phone texting for very long times! Also became cold and very distant. He was working away from home aswell. Anyway 3 months after my son died me and my son were on school hoilday at the place he worked were i was on his computer and discoverd some emails innappropriate. I confronted him and he siad nothing didnt deny it though either. Anyway he moved back and he became so moody and more distant critasising me and making remarks etc. I finally confronted him again and this time he said i had pushed him and that there were lots of problems in the marriage and that he wasnt sure if he wanted to be with me but wanted to give our son a stable home. He suggeste we live seperate lives under the same roof while he made up his mind! He didnt want to make a rash decision. I said i couldnt live like this and that he needs to decide

i am so confused what should i do? I care and love him but dont feel respected and have lost all trust and faith in him.

Answer 1

Be consoled in the fact that many of us understand your pain, and are with you. You both need to talk to someone about this - preferably a marriage counsellor, close friend or family member who can be objective about this. If he is unwilling to make an effort to save the marriage, he should be the one to move out to give you some space. Living separate lives under the same roof is totally unfair for you especially since you still love him - it will be even more torture to see him continue his affair and then ignoring you. He is being completely selfish and inconsiderate of your needs and feelings. You will need to decide for yourself if there is any hope for your marriage and make an informed decision thereafter. Try the marriage clinic on the website below. It may give you some more ideas. Hang in there, you're taking the right step to try and sort this out. When you're at the bottom, the only direction left for you is up.

Answer 2

Wow im so sorry about your son first of all, i can relate partially to your story, my first husband and i have a son thats chronically/terminally ill.. we went through hell and back the first year , in and out of hospitals.. the doctors came to us in the beginning and said this will either make or break your marriage.. and they were right after things settled down with his illness for a bit.. my husband couldnt handle having a son that was ill, it screwed up his picture perfect family.. and he became extremely distant to the point that he cheated on me as well then left.... I think that alot of men cant handle these situations .. and tend to run away from the problem instead of taking it on .. I dont think its you, i think its him not being able to handle the loss of your child and for some reason he cant reach out to you , maybe he doesnt want to hurt u by bringing it up , i dont know, but he's turning to these other women as an outlet from his harboring pain.. Id get him into counseling to see whats really going on with him.. good luck.. and be strong..and I totally agree living seperate lives under the same roof is a horrible idea and what kind of role models would that be for your child to watch.. Good luck..

Answer 3

Well all i can tell you is i have been in a very simular situation, my then husband had suffered a mild heart attack and stroke at the age of 37, this was no doubt brought on by the affair he was having and all the previous affairs hed had, once on the road to recovery he decided he wanted to go away seperate for 6months, try to get his life in order, not to tell the children, they were told he worked away, as he came home at the weekends, when we had to pretend happy family, i used to sleep on the sofa.
After 5 moths of doing this i knew that he must know what he wanted to do so i asked and said i needed to know, if he knew then he should tel me, he did, wev'e been divorced for over 20 yrs now, and all i can tell you was that once over the initial, pain, hurt,upset, things u would normally go through when a relationship breaks up, you will wonder why you let this man do the things toyou in the first place, cause remember you, and your children are worth more than that. hope this helps a bit all the best

Answer 4

I'm so sorry that you lost your child and as a result of trying to handle this your husband alienated his affections. he's human and messed up but it's over and his feeling for you have died too. I wish for you that you can move on from this and think living together will only make things worse. you can provide a more stable home by splitting up and both being honest with your son. get in touch with a support organisation like FIBs Friends in Bereavement. you'll find that your story is not unique and other's who have been through it can give you the right support. you both need a new start and to be strong this way.

Answer 5

dr james dobson, wrote an awsome book " love must be tuff" my wife read it and has used his suggestion several times to help repair some of my (slight disorders) lol he comments in the book that only one spouse read the book but i did get to see some of it. small exerpt: you two are not loving like husband and wifeonly living in the same house if you concede to hiswishes of living under the same roof with him you are giving him permision to act like this put his butt out with love and compasstion, and tell him that if he wants his marriage and his family that youll be there in no way should you be intimant with him understand now the ball is in his court to come want his family or not. if he chooses his family then he must live with you when he isnt working or SLEEPING he is to some home after work and share in the family rituals playing talking eating dinner and even cleaning up afterwards but still no sex or any intamncy he will have to under stand that you have every right to look at his cell bill his computer call him at all hours of the night to verify his where about you get to basically be his parole officer. this sounds very cold and sounds like alot of work not to mention the drian on the bank accounts..... when you feel a suffecient enough time has gone by and you can trust him to move back in your house and bed let him but you still have every right to know all he is doing since this is your marriage as well and this is your family as well . i hope this helps in some way. marriage should be fun not taxing on your already fragile emotions. one more thing if you ever accept his appology for this affair, then stick to it and not use it as a weapon in other fights. if your not ready to accept and forget then dont accept right now but be very open.

ps i just realized my wife just answerd your question as well... lol
sxybrwneyedgrl

Answer 6

Tell him to get out. Separate under the same roof is illusion. It does not solve a thing nor does it require him to face up to reality. If he wishes to maintain this behavior HE MOVES OUT NOW. He does not want to make a rash decision? What a ruse.
It sounds like he wants his squeeze and wife too. Move him out. There is nothing stable for a child who's parents are living under the same roof yet have no relationship. It teaches the wrong message. He works on the marriage he stays, status quo Get OUT.

Answer 7

As hard as it is to hear he is definitely having an affair. Now the question is do you think enough of yourself to leave his sorry ***. Yes that is my opinion of a 2 timing sorry man. As far as your son goes he will be alot happier if he has a mother who is happy. In my opinion you need to take the ball out of your husbands court and tell him to leave. If he doesn't want a divorce then give him a trial separation. That means he moves out. That way he does his own laundry, cooking, cleaning, and etc. then when he comes back begging you think about it. And if he doesn't come back then while you are in the trial separation you can legally go on dates. But what ever you do, do not invite another man to spend the night even if you are separated. Your husband can use that as you are an unfit mother in a divorce. (you can always use a hotel). I know it is hard and believe me when I say I know that it is hard. I have been there myself. But that is definitely what I would do.

Answer 8

Whats stable about living seperate lives under the same roof? That makes NO SENSE. He was being rude to you cause it was back to the same old thing and those feelings of why he cheated in the first place all came back. Its time take a step back and look at the big picture. Are YOU happy? We know he isnt. What about counceling. If he says no, then you know what you have to do for your child and yourself.

Answer 9

It is over, honey..sorry, but it is over. You will never feel right towards him again, regardless of what he may do. Hire a PI, have him followed and get lots of pics...you will need them for the divorce..take him for everything you can get. You have put up with enough of the cheating, lying SOB..and he is trying to pin the blame on you! He is the worst kind of man...not enough man to take the heat, foaming and blowing like he is doing you a favor by staying in the house??? let him go rent a place, pay child support, alimony, insurance, etc...and let's just see how desirable he is to the ladies. Women really detest men who have no money! And I don' t blame them. Act now, or it may be too late. You can have a life that does not require him...go out and get one, but take everything you can get your hands on..this one deserves the works!

Answer 10

Act as if it doesn't bother you. Go to bed later than him, chat on your computer even if you are not interested. Be civil to him, yet act as if you could care less. Make him baby sit while you go out with the girls. He will wonder where you are. And come home later than you said...ignore him if asks where you have been. Men always want mystery and what they can't have.


Otherwise, make him move out (cause you can take 1/2 of everything he's got) your kid will be fine, get you some zoloft, paxil and surround yourself with family. Don't let him have the upper hand because he is completely selfish.