In an emotionally abusive relationship, how do you know when to leave??

Question

If there is no physical violence, but name-calling and insults, and constant raging all in-front of two young children. The house is the only home the kids have known and they love their dad even though they are afraid of him much of the time. Do you pack your things and move to a battered women's shelter with your kids? Do you file for a restraining order and have your husband removed from the home and take the risk of "adding fuel to the fire"? Counseling has failed three times and cannot afford $100/wk. to go anyway! Parents don't help. No family locally.
I've actually had to sleep in my car in our driveway so the kids wouldn't be woken from his screaming about bills and why he doesn't have anything to snack on at 1am. He uses intimidation tactics to get what he wants and has no problem with using the kids to do so.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you and your kids because I know you're obviously in a lot of distress right now and searching for a solution to this major league problem. First and foremost you need to protect the physical & emotional well-being of your children. The ranting, raving, name calling and cursing will forever damage your kids. What they have been subjected to can never be undone so give that some very serious consideration in making your decision. In addition, the same damage is being done to your self-esteem/image of your self.

Love does cause hurt or harm or abuse of any kind. You know you need an intervention here of major proportions. It doesn't sound as though he would be the type one could sit down with an have an open discussion about relationship boundries and roles. Therefore, you are going to have to do something more drastic to get his attention, providing you think there's a chance the marriage can be salvaged, or want to salvage it. I know things seem pretty hopeless right now because of your isolation but many times that's not an accident, it's actually by design of the abuser so you will submit to his authority.

There is hope for you! Depending on how far or to what extent you want to go in sending a signal to your husband or if you want to just leave him all together. Please see the links I've posted in the source area below. There are several links there and I hope you will find them of value, specifically the one which lists all the domestic violence hotlines. Please do not hesitate to call them as you also have children who are in harms way here.

As I said in beginning, my heart goes out to you as this is not how love and marriage is suppose to be. I will be praying for you and your family :)

God Bless You.

-Danny

Answer 2

I just posted a question about an hour ago asking if I should at least try marriage counseling before leaving verbally/emotionally abusive marriage. I got a lot of mixed answers. I can tell you this though. If I went to counseling the FIRST time and it didn't work, I AM LEAVING! I would not stick around for another round. There are women's shelters everywhere that you could contact for help . Do you have family anywhere who would help you? Regardless, have a plan together and get ready to take action. Be proactive. Don't let him know what you're up to and get the hell out of dodge asap! Email or IM me if you want to talk further, maybe we can help each other.

Answer 3

If you are asking these questions, you already know the answer. It is a very hard thing to face especially with out any family support, money or place to go. It can and probably should be done. The effect this is having on you and your children is more than even you realize right now. You need someone to tell you what you already know, and that is OK. Take your angels and go. It won't be easy, but it is right. The kids will be happier, you will feel better about yourself and your husband may learn a life lesson that is way past due. Stay strong and know that you are doing the right thing.

Answer 4

Hey
Your primary resposibility in this position is to your children. It isnt fair that your little ones see you in this type of relationship, believe it or not kids are smart and can feel the negitive words that are slung back and forth. if family isnt close great! Call them make arrangements and just drive away! When mr, gets paid go to the bank that day, withdraw and KEEP TRUCKING! you will be long gone by the time he figures it out, and since your mother/father whomever doesnt live close he cannot just drive on by to read you the riot act! Listen, when your children look up at you, they have to know that MOMIE IS OKAY! Children dont understand why you are crying, they just want to hug you and kiss you and make it go away! you know that, that is what made you get up today and write your feelings down and get the answers you have already known in your own mind!
so, make a plan and just walk away, you will feel the monkey off your back! you will struggle but at least all of you will be mentally happy! all the best, take care
NOW GO!

Answer 5

the answer that your going to get the most is to leave. But it isn't that simple is it. Do you want to give up without trying everything to make it work. It sounds like you the bulk of your problems come from money. Money can make even the best relationships sour, not to mention what it can do to the not so good ones. Try sitting down with him and working out a budget so it shows that the two of you are going to work on this together. Do things as a family that don't cost, like bike rides or walks. Maybe yelling and name calling are the only way he knows how to communicate Really really talk to him about how you feel about how the two of you are living your life and talk about how you can fix it. He probably has some ideas too. Work on your relationship without the kids.Have some alone time when they go to bed. If he is willing try doing some counseling at a church, it is free, it might feel a little strange at first, but it also might work. You are the only one that can say if it is bad enough to leave because you have to live your life and protect your children's lives. Does the good out weight the bad. I would like to give you better advice but I can't give you adivice that I don't follow my self. I am in a simaillar situation and so many time I think about leaving but never have, because leaving sounds like this great idea in theory, but when I really think about it, it seems like leaving might fix one problem only to bring on several more. I have tried many of the things that I said, and we still have a long way to go but it has gotten better, and I have hope that it will, most days any way. Good luck to you , e mail me if you want to talk about any thing

Answer 6

I have been in a very-very similar situation as this. I kept saying "I have kids with this guy, I can't do this to him." I finally realized that I wasn't the one who was doing anything. I was the one having stuff done to them! I hope you are stong enough to do what you KNOW is right. If not for you for your kids! They come first remember...don't let any man ever come before your kids...husband/father or not. The decision is up to you, completely. I went to a battered women's shelter. They give you clothes, transportation, food, shelter. They even had make-up. These people know what your going through..most of them are survivors themselves. They also provide couseling for you and you children if you like. Look in the phone book, they'll be under social services. Look towards the end of the list, and look for words like women, safe, shelter, battered..etc. Remember abuse isn't only physical, and when it isn't it can hurt more. Do the right thing, for you, for your kids. CALL. Stay safe girl. =)

Answer 7

LEAVE! I know, as a wife & mother myself, I would be terrified to leave my own home and go to a shelter. But that almost seems SAFER than staying with him! He's not only abusive to you, but to your kids as well! I'm all for sticking with a marriage, but not if there is emotional or physical abuse. You need to find a few hotlines for this kind of thing. Maybe a professional or volunteer organization can help you with this. You can also file for assistance from Family Independence Agency/Dept. of Social Services. If necessary, maybe your family members can all pitch in to fly you & the kids out of there. (You feel threatened, right?) That's grounds for leaving. You can explain later to the Judge why you felt the need to leave with your kids. Do it! Don't wait any longer.
Good luck!!!!

Answer 8

You have been emotionally abused, which can sometimes be worse than physical abuse. Emotional scars don't just heal in a few weeks. It is unhealthy for the kids, who do know that things aren't right even when you don't argue in front of them. It is time to go. Counseling has probably failed because both parties must be equally vested in counseling and it sounds like that wasn't the case. Get out before he starts to emotionally abuse your children.

Answer 9

In an abusive relationship you need to leave. It is difficult and almost impossible from a position of being abused or lacking the respect of the abuser to talk to them. Most police and social service agencies will help you go to a family shelter. These shelters are usually not advertised and are difficult for the abuser to find. These people will help you with food, clothing, shelter, and taking the big step of providing you help in making it on your own.

Answer 10

It sounds like you already know the answer.. the children are what is most important as you say they love him but are afraid of him. Depending on the age of the children they can be scared by emotional turmoil the balance of their life if something isn't done now. So yes for the sake of your own sanity and that of your children leaving this relationship may be the wisest choice if all else has failed and your husband won't change.