I want to know if i should try marriage counseling for a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. We have 2 small children and we have been together for a long time considering I'm only 33. I have been preparing to leave but I don't want to feel like I didn't give it my all before leaving. I hear that abusers rarely change but I don't know what to do. I don't want to wonder in retrospect after I've already left if this marriage could've been saved or not. When he's an asshole he is the ultimate asshole. He is also the sweetest most loving man when he's not the asshole and a great provider.
I am in individual counseling and she's really helping me understand and build my self esteem and I've become more spirtitual(which is making me wonder if I should try to salvage this marriage). Mind you, I know that I would be the one who has to initiate the counseling, but I'm quite sure that he would go. Please help!
2006-07-14 08:45:37 · 30 answers · asked by Veronique 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sigh. Tough call.
If you believe that he would go for counseling (and would actually be open to seeing his own problems and changing his behavior), and if you think you will always wonder whether the marriage could have been saved if you had merely tried counseling, then because of that (and because you have two kids) I would say do it.
Stick with your counselor and keep getting their support. The road won't be easy. I admire you for considering the possibilty of counseling, when many other people would just cut and run (and somewhat for good reason). The way you are wrestling with this problem shows (well, at least in my sight) that your heart is on the right track.
How much have you confronted him in the past about his behavior? Does he truly understand (1) what he is doing and (2) how it makes you feel?
You are trying to discern his heart and willingness to try here. To me, that would mean that he needs to understand what is at stake and the effects of his behavior on yourself and your kids.
If he does understand all that, and he refuses to attend counseling or doesn't take it seriously, and he continues to abuse you, then I would probably proceed with separation.
Keep praying for yourself and your family, and be brave. Keep getting your counselor's support. You can navigate through this.
2006-07-14 09:08:49 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry honey, but its over for you and the husband. You need to do what is right for you and the child. Sure, he's possibly trying to paint you as the "Bad Guy" if you file for divorce. Unfortunately thats one of the ugly truths that people like to use on others in a sour relationship. I know how emotional it can be for a female in this situation. You MUST look beyond the emotions and do what is right while you can. What if he skips town? Then collecting child support becomes even a harder complex issue. You obviously need the finances NOW. Hes not going to change. Its over. He's screwing you because YOU ARE NOT FOCUSED. Its a weapon that people use when divorcing while the other person is caught up in the fog of emotions. Divorce is a LIVING HELL, I know. Death is an ending to something. Divorce is dealing with real living people that once proclaimed to LOVE each other. Going through a divorce rips this all out of your heart and soul. Its terrible. I sympathsize with your feelings and thoughts. But you must do what is right. Your baby depends on you to so. Now is the time, not later. Your folks are clueless to understanding this stuff. Relatives and friends choose sides. You need to take ACTION not sides. Not believeing in divorce is going to change or better your situation. You are not commiting the unforgiveable sin. You will not go to hell. God loves you more than that. Being unequally yoked in the 1st place is possibly what brought this all about anyway. Is your husband a Christian Believer in God? If not there's your answer to your problem. A believer and non-believer will never get along. Again, DO what is right for you and the baby. Its time. I'm sorry.
2016-03-15 23:59:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been in a 9 year marriage with a similar type of man. I have no kids.
I recently left him and we tried marriage counselling. He has started to realize I meant what I said.
I'm still trying to save this marriage, but my heart is broken because of it. Try the counselling if you think he will go. It sounds as if you're being lead to do it. Try all the options before ending it. Then you will know that you did everything if it still doesn't work.
My prayers are with you and all of us going through this mess. It hurts so much to live like this, when all you wanted was a loving marriage. My heart goes out to you.
2006-07-14 10:17:22 · answer #3 · answered by wayouthere 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Definately!! Marriage Counseling helps, It's there for a good reason. If you say it doesn't help maybe it's because ONE or the OTHER did not realize where they failed in the relationship. He needs to understand where he has failed you in order for him to change, Otherwise it will never happen. Marriage Counseling can also help the Children cope with the problem, you will learn how to deal with the situation in the future. I went thru it when I was younger and pregnant from my second child.I found it helpful and I know I gave it all I had, and I have no regrets about dissolving the marriage. I understood it wasn't gonna work so I had to walk away. I am know 30 yrs old and my 2 boys live with me, They are my everything. He remarried and continues to be in abusive relationship.
2006-07-14 09:10:23 · answer #4 · answered by Ladyshy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he is open to counseling then you should definitely try it! One thing to look at is 'why' is he being abusive? Does he drink and get abusive or is it just his personality?
You definitely don't want your small children to grow up and think that this behavior is okay, and that should be your biggest concern. My husband had a drinking problem and was verbally abusive, and with two daughters, I couldn't risk them being treated like this in the future...I also knew that I deserved better even though I knew he was a good man when he wasn't drinking. So he got counseling and hasn't drank in 4 years and our marriage is just the way it should be.
You and your kids come first, not his insecurities.
2006-07-14 08:54:39 · answer #5 · answered by belleebuttons 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can ask your husband to go to counseling, but if he says he won't go, GET OUT NOW!
NO ONE deserves to live in an abusive relationship no matter what! You have it right, abusers seldom change. If he really loves you and wants to change, and shows that he WILL change, you can always go back. You don't have to file for divorce immediately. But get out and then let him see that you are serious about not putting up with the abuse.
It's great that you have been to counseling. It will help you deal with life on your own. I know this from experience.
2006-07-14 08:54:50 · answer #6 · answered by EnglishGraduate 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes! Absolutely go to counseling. The fact that you are becoming more spiritual is probably what is helping you realize that there is an answer outside of yourself. I was there at one point in my marriage. We wanted a divorce right away but were counseled to stay together and fight. We were given the tools to make the marriage work and it didn't cost us a penny!
Mind you, we were also in a physically marriage. Everyone said we weren't meant to be together and he was never going to change. I needed to change, too. A very wise man helped us through and continues to keep up with us. He taught us principles to live by and we have stuck by them. Now we are together. The abuse is GONE and we have just founded a non-profit organization to help marriages and families together.
I have seen several couples in even more extreme circumstances reconcile their marriages and there is definitely hope if you choose to make it work. I have done it myself. I have seen others through it and it is grueling but it can be done.
It is not God's will for you to stay in an abusive marriage that is why he gives us principles that we can apply to our marriages to end the abuse. Most people just want out of the pain and don't realize that it isn't the marriage but the hurt that needs to go away.
You can do it!
2006-07-14 09:10:37 · answer #7 · answered by MrsGinAZ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever heard the expression "You don't know what you have until you lose it?" I know someone who was verbally abused by her husband for thirty years. She decided to leave him, and within weeks he realized just how special she was and how much he needed her. After a couple of months of seperation, she decided her marriage was worth a second chance. They are back together and he treats her better than ever. Your husband (even if you tell him) probably doesn't realize just how much he's hurting you. Counseling is a great idea for the two of you, but if it doesn't work...there's always the route my friend took.
2006-07-14 08:58:22 · answer #8 · answered by pixiedustplease 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've already put in 12 years. Why not try the counseling? You've changed, haven't you? At least give him the opportunity to do the same before you say goodbye. Then again, is he good to the children? You wouldn't want them growing up in a home with an abusive parent.
2006-07-14 08:49:30 · answer #9 · answered by That Girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
try and ask him to see if hes interested, but be prepared for another hollering. Chances if you do get him to go he will probably lie thru his eye teeth because its really hard for an abuser to admit he done wrong and seek help, Typicalmale reaction. Only you can decide when enoughs enough and decide there a better life out there for you and your children. All states will award you custody of your children and child support especially under these conditions. Once you file for divorce get your atty to file a motion to get him removed from your house and a restraining order to keep him away from you and your children for protective reasons. Nothing good is going to come out of trying to stay with him, and you deserve better, someone who will respect and treat you like a princess, not someone who takes his lifes shortcomings out on you. Trust me there are better out there, just be patient but first get out of that abusive marriage and move on, if only foer your kids sake. Your counselor or other help groups will help you if you need it. If you need some more help or have questions,email me, good luck
2006-07-14 09:03:37 · answer #10 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋