Divorced parents- please advise.......?

Question

My 14 yr old son says he wants to live with his dad (different city) and go to school there now. As his mother, I am crushed because my husband (my son's stepdad) and I have been very good parents. We make sure my son has a spiritual life, we have a wonderful home and friends. But my son's dad is a manipulator deluxe, kind of like Satan himself. Even though he is remarried, and has another child- he cannot let it go that I left him. In appearance, he has moved on- in his mind, this man is very immature. He has had my son in counseling all summer and now my son thinks he wants to stay there. I feel it is wrong for him to stay. I don't care what the law says- 14 or not, my son is a child and lives for the moment, not thinking long term at all- not qualified to make decision for himself. If as his mom, I were a gutter drunk, or doing drugs or abusive to him, I could understand why the job of mother is being taken away. I feel like going there and taking him home. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

Does your son have the legal right to make that decision?

I thought in most states that the courts determine where a child has to stay and who has custody -- and then the lawyers constantly hem and haw about it.

I hate "power plays" (they are definitely not the preferred option); but if you feel that your son will be harmed/warped by staying with his father and you have legal custody, then it would be better to refuse to let him live with his dad -- even if your son hates you for awhile because of it. The longer your son is with this man, the more he will turn against you,and the more you will lose him.

[He needs to see his father -- your ex is still his father -- but your son is not required to live there.]

Over time, away from his father and counselor, since he is impressionable, he might come to see the value of what you are doing.

I would say that, when talking about your ex to your son, even if the father is truly behaving in a poor manner, keep things kind and fair even if you must explain to your son why you are fighting him. Your love will come through more clearly to your son if you continue to be fair and kind about your ex (whereas no doubt your ex is speaking poorly of you). Eventually that sort of thing would stick in your son's brain, when he matures.

(I think you already know that, but I know I always appreciate people reminding me of the same sort of thing.)

Meanwhile, just keep evaluating yourself, your ex, and your relationship with your son, just to keep things on track.

Answer 2

I would have to disagree with you, I raised my daughter from birth till she was 14, I gave her a very good home and made sure she had and did everything she wanted I took her church showed her all the right ways, Then when she was 14 she begane asking about her mother, all I could do was let her go and find out for herself, her mother is a drunk has been married 4 times in 3 years, anyway my daughter is now 20 years old, doing very well on her own, she now knowes both sides of the story,and is able to see for herself, I say let him go make up his own mind, the grass is always greener on the othewr side untill you get to the other side, he will come back or at least he will have more respect for the things you and your husband has done for him.

Answer 3

This is a normal part of adolescents from divorced families. They always think it's going to be better at the other parent's house (because maybe the rules are more relaxed during a visitation, or something like that).

From your description, it sounds as if you have been unable to form a good "co-parenting" situation with your ex, which is unfortunate.

But my guess is that things aren't going to be so easy in his father's house, either. And after the "honeymoon" period is over, he may want to come back to live with you.

the job of mother will never be taken away from you. You are his mother, and will be forever. His stepmom won't try to replace you (if she's got half a brain, anyway).

BUT he is a teenage boy. Your husband, as wonderful as he may be IS NOT THE CHILD'S FATHER. You picked his father to make him, and the kid deserves to get to know his dad, for better or worse.

The fact that his father has paid for counseling for his son speaks volumes to me. Crappy dads wouldn't care. Your son also deserves to form a relationship with his half sibling.

Your son and his dad missed a lot while he was growing up. And these years are going to be the most difficult for your son. His stepdad isn't going to have that father authority like his biodad.

I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, and I'm giving the dad the benefit of the doubt. I've been married to a man who was denied his sons throughout their childhood, and let me tell you something - his sons suffered from that (as did he).

Answer 4

I am divorced and can understand how emotional this can be. Giving advice on such a critical issue without having more information would be very difficult. What I notice about the way you phrase your question is ..... a little worry some though. My mother "Made Sure" I had a spiritual life also. Rebellion comes to mind. Being too controlling can really push him away. Hopefully you have not shared your feelings about your ex with your son, who at one time you were in love with. I'm sure your son would like to at least think that he was conceived out of love, and he isn't part Satan. Derogatory comments about your ex to your son would probably push him away. No one wants to here negative comments about their parent. His dad is his dad and he has a lifetime to find out what kind of person he is. Hopefully you can raise him without letting your feelings about your ex influence your actions. Treat him as his loving mother would, not how his mother upset with his dad would! I think your son isn't being given enough credit, at 14 they are very intelligent and pick up on things quick. Step back and see if maybe you can make some compromises in your life that might make his already difficult family life a little easier.

Answer 5

I am in a similar situation, my son is 14 also and wants to live with me even though his overly verbally abusive mother nags him all the time, "thats why I left her"... he wants to live with me because I have a quiter tone to my voice and I am not angry at everything in the world...
Every situation is Differant, however with your son, it could be something as simple as him Missing a big piece of his life (His Dad) I left My X-wife "Years ago" but My son still would rather be with me even though his mother has a new guy in her life too ;)
A House, Boat, Cars, the works.
My Divorce reduced me to a simple apartment and struggling to make it week to week.

My point is, let him feel it out (it will take time) the bad thing is of course its not something he is going to get over easy or anytime soon. I wish you the Best on that, coming from experiance.
But he has to learn to live with it too, its one of those things that will make you stronger or weaker depending on your outlook.
Enforce within your son, "he will always be his dad", and things are the way things are. Not much you can do there.
Good Luck

Answer 6

A 14 year old in most states is considered able to decide for himself in some areas,meaning that if this were to be decided in a court of law, the judge would pull your son into his chambers and see how his deduction of reasoning is and let him telling the judge who he wants to be with. This is not always right or wrong but its the law. If you keep your son with you, especially if he doesnt want to be there, he will make your lifes miserable, and to be with his dad could make his life miserable if its not what he expected. The best scenario here would be to let your son try what he thinks best, and be ready for him to come flying back to you if he tries it with dad but will have this out of his system. good luck

Answer 7

Calm down honey!!!! First, I gotta tell ya, I went thru this exactly. My ex lived in another town and tried this with my daughter when she was 13. He is a master manipulator, I went thru same sh** , different day. Ya know? Anyway, I talked to an attorney. I was devastated. Crushed, you name it, that's what I was. The attorney told me not to worry, Judges nowadays don't just let the kid decide at the age of 13, 14, whatever. Long story short, She didn't go. I said HELL NO, it didn't happen. Thats it. He doesn't want your son, he just wants to wreck your world. Fight it and you'll win. He won't. It will all work out in the end. Good luck and write me anytime if you need to talk.

Answer 8

No. I feel the exact same way you do, my situation is the EXACT same as you! My ex is a spawn of the devil and I HATE him to death, wish I had nothing to do with him now. But my son is only 5 and he goes through visitation - my husband and I have full custody and we try very hard to give him everything he needs from us. We are very afraid that when he gets your son's age, he will want to go live with him too. It really scares me b/c I love my son and we provide everything for him, and I know if he went to live with his dad, he wouldn't be able to give my son everything he needs and teach him decency, honesty, morality, etc.
I'm so sorry you are going through this now. His age is very sensitive and changing his environment, I think, could change his young charactor as well. I would suggest seeking legal advice. Look in the yellow pages under Family Law, and go to lawyer's that offer a free consultation. Ask them what you should do.

Answer 9

This is a very tough issue. I think that in order to give yourself peace of mind that you need to talk to your son and find out why it is so important for him to live with his father right now. If it's because he wants to get to know his father better, let him do it for a year and see how it goes. If he comes up with other answers like I just want to try it, I want a change or I think I would be happier out there-don't do it. All of those answers are probably the work of your ex.

Also, you have to remember that your son is 14 and if his father is the Satan clone that you claim he is, your son is going to see that and he's going to come running back home to you. This is just my opinion, but I think that if you do let your son stay with his father that one of the stipulations should be that he take your son out of counseling. The fact that he has him in counseling without your input into the discussions or findings is a problem if your ex-husband is manipulative. If he can't agree to that you might have to tell your son no, but be prepared for his reaction-if your ex has convinced him this is what is best for him, he is not going to be happy. You can combat that by continuing to talk to your son about the situation, even if he isn't talking to you. Do not let him get away from you if you decide not to let him go. Stay involved with him and don't let him brood about it, because then not only will your son feel like he has control, but he might begin to think that he can do what he wants. When you give your child permission not to speak to you it helps them to go into themselves and pull away from your love for him.

Finally, this decision has to be yours. I am not saying that your husband cannot contribute to your decision, but you ultimately have to be the one who tells your son if he can't go to his father's. This has to be about you and him-not you, him and your husband.

Good luck and I hope that everything works out.

Answer 10

Ive seen this many times , and really its not your ex's fault,
i saw this with my sister, nephew, and other families.
as a divorce dad we become what i call Disney land dads or moms, because that's all we really do , our attention all on them , for that brief moment.
the real problem is that ,your the parent, trying to get them responsible.and they're rebellious..the second issue i found as i single parent we tend to run are check list on them , for example
did you put gas in the your car did you do this, did you do that.
are you gong to do that or this, what if this happens, and they don't really know all the answer , so we over shelter them
the reason why is because when they make mistakes it cost us time and money. other serious issues
we need to light-en is area
for the most part they all move out but their are back when the honeymoon is over.

your other issue is you are a mother who nurtures, and i as i was growing up , my mom was good for kissing my boo boo and dad talk about the outside world.

I know its tough but your job is to prepaired them to leave the nest

to be honest keep your foot down because at 14 he doesn't know sh**t, but they think they know more than you