My husband is only 32 (I'm 28) and has a serious kidney disease. Our sex life isn't as good as it used to be, but it's not totally lousy either. He has actually encouraged me more then once to go after other guys to "fulfill my needs" just because I commented the guy was cute. We used to be honest with each other about whether or not someone was good looking without sex ever coming up. I would never do this, even though he says it's ok as long as I tell him about it and don't get pregnant. Why on Earth is he doing this and how can I get him to quit it? I've told him I'd never do it but it hasn't made a difference.
2006-07-14 08:05:13 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Here's an angle most people havn't presented, but I'm willing to bet it's the actual reason. He would get tired of asking for sympathy and asking you if you were ok and if you were satisfied with the relationship, he couldn't handle doing that every day. But what he can do.. is throw a line out that lets him guage your response. To you, he's asking you if you want to violate your marriage. To him, he's comforting himself each and every time you tell him no and the severity of your negative response toward the idea.
So instead of saying..."honey, are you still happy with me or honey.. you don't want to leave me do you".. and soundling like a sap and knowing if you are nice you wouldn't say so even if you did.
He is saying.. "honey, you shouldn't limit yourself and you should go have sex with other guys"... and then his breath catches in his chest and his heart stops until he hears those words "NO I WOULD NEVER DO THAT STOP SAYING THAT".. and then he has a small reassurance that even though he doesn't see himself as worthy of your full attention and devotion anymore, that you still do.
I'm no expert, but I have used lines like this to guage relationships in the past, just by her response, and I am willing to bet that that is what's going on right now. I hope you get the chace to read this. And i'm am deeply sympathetic for both you and him for having to deal with this gut wrenchingly painful situation.
2006-07-14 08:42:43 · answer #1 · answered by stratocastinator 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he feels that if his sickness gets worse and God forbid...he won't be able to make love to you, he's just trying to be open and understanding to your sexual needs. Although it might sound offensive to you because it appears you value your marriage very much, he means well. Just let him know that it hurts he would even offer it to you and that you understand what he's trying to do but you do not want to look for other guys to fulfill any needs. Because he is all you need. I think he needs to build his confidence more than anything, for a man to offer his wife another piece of cake is probably unbearable and his ego is most like damaged due to the sickness and not being able to perform as well. He needs your love and understanding. Good Luck to you both.
2006-07-14 11:44:56 · answer #2 · answered by jade11378 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is probably feeling that he can't make you happy anymore. It is a self esteem issue as much as he is grieving over having this disease. He is doing it, he thinks, because he loves you and wants you to be happy. You should probably stop mentioning other men to him, even if it was ok in the past, because it hurts him now. Reassure him that just being with him makes you happy and that's all you need.
2006-07-14 09:04:13 · answer #3 · answered by e_imommy 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It may be because he knows that your sex life isn't as good as it once was and knows he can't do anything about it due to his illness. It sounds like his self confidence has taken a header along with his health. He may feel that he can no longer satisfy you sexually and loves you so much he doesn't want you to go without. You should do all you can to show him that he is satisfying you and that you love him very much. Believe me he doesn't really want you to cheat on him! It would problably destroy him if you did.
2006-07-14 08:15:52 · answer #4 · answered by mik_sull 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is a bit fatalistic, is the disease life threatening? Either way, he may need some psychological help. I'd suggest you both see a counselor.
2006-07-14 09:07:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously, Don't do it!!!!! It honestly sounds like he wants you to screw up so that he can have a reason to leave you. I am divorced now, but when I was married, I told my husband to do the same thing just so I could have something to hold over his head whenever we would get in to a fight. I know that sounds bad, but I'm just telling you why I did it.
2006-07-14 08:10:07 · answer #6 · answered by Littlemissy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is doing this because he feels less of a man with his problem. Tell him that there is no way you are going to do that and for him to knock it the hell off! Be stern. He'll cut it out.
2006-07-14 08:30:14 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Probably because he wants you to be happy and feels guilty that he can't satisfy you like he used to. You should go see a counselor with him or suggest that he see one by himself. Good luck and I hope he gets better!!
2006-07-14 08:09:33 · answer #8 · answered by Courtney 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's trying to think about U and not himself. Go to the sex store and buy some fun toys and bring them home and spice things up with yourself and let him watch. I bet he wont ask you to go out again.
2006-07-14 08:29:20 · answer #9 · answered by Jaded 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he's having security issues possibly because of his illness. You should try reassuring him of how handsome and sexy he is and show him how much you want and love him. People sometimes out grow things they use to do, so try to refrain from complimenting other men in his presence.
2006-07-14 08:20:45 · answer #10 · answered by sneakymonica 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋