during the break-up of his first marriage. I was married, now I am going through a divorce. My new partner and I are in love with each other and plan to move in together as soon as is possible. However , he has said to me that he is not sure he would marry again after what he has been through.I feel he is saying it in order to see my reaction. Despite my failed marriage , I am head over heels in love with him and if he asked me to marry him i would say yes....but I can't really tell him that in the circumstances. That would be putting pressure on him, wouldn't it? I would still want to be with him even if we didn't get married.
2006-07-14 07:58:11 · 13 answers · asked by janey 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Then why bother with a marriage???
Just live together and have a happy life...
Marriage isn't the greatest thing in the world... Too restrictive!!!
2006-07-14 08:01:46 · answer #1 · answered by Forlorn Hope 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both need to learn to trust again. When a baby is thrown up in the air, it laughs and somehow expects to be caught - even though there is no guarantee that the person throwing the baby will catch him/her. That's what getiing into a relationship is like - you both want an assurance that you will be thrown up and caught, and yet verbal guarantees can never be good enough - both of you have to take the step saying "I put my love in your hands and trust you will not hurt me or betray my love." It must be unconditional.
You need to communicate more and talk about what you went through, why you think your marriages failed and what lessons you have both learnt from your experiences. You need to talk about your hopes and desires for your relationship now and in the future - and being open now will cause less problems or misunderstanding in future. Come clean and talk about it. Make a special appointment with him to talk about it, it may need more than just one day - but make the atmosphere a cozy one where there are no tempers but honest talking and listening to each others feelings.
This will help you understand each other better and clear the air as to both your expectations. I don't beleive there is such a thing as a good divorce, it always leaves you feeling like you have failed where others succeeded - and men in particular hate to fail. Your partner sounds like he's afraid of being hurt, and that is normal and understandable. I am sure you may have similar fears. Sit down and communicate openly - it will bring you closer hopefully, and with time he may just pop the question and ask you to marry him. If not, at least you will have known what is on each others minds and can make an infromed decison about the future of your relationship. I do hope things work out for you, it sounds like you really love him, and I hope he realises this. Good luck!
2006-07-14 11:34:24 · answer #2 · answered by Princess Lueji 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why dont you two just live together and see how things go you never know he might just want to marry you once you two start living together. Dont put any pressure on him cause that would make he leave you. Time together as living partners is good to. You will be able to get to know each other better and learn how to live together with out the pressure of marriage. Good luck and just him space and time.
2006-07-14 09:53:04 · answer #3 · answered by Pinkflower 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you've answered your own question now, haven't you? If you are planning to move in together, but he is not keen on marriage at the moment (understandably), and you don't mind, then have at it. To be fair, though, just have an honest conversation with him and tell him how you feel, something to the effect that as long as you are together, that's fine, but if marriage is an option, you would be a willing participant.
2006-07-14 08:04:32 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel the same way you both do about marriage. Think about it, if you get married, you have another wedding to worry about, you'll have to change your last name, and that little marriage certificate can change a lot of things. You both know that a marriage is harder to get in to than it is to get out of, so why bother. Just be happy being in love. And, if later on, it is just killing you to get married, then do it, but mean it this time.
2006-07-14 08:05:00 · answer #5 · answered by Littlemissy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you really love this man and the two of you are really inlove then why are you stressing about marriage. Just enjoy eachother, you have a lifetime to get to know eachother, be together etc. But living together is like committing to him, men I think see it differently to a women...women tend to see living together as the step before marriage to see whether it all works out where as a man is committing to be with you, you should not give in so easily and then you'll see how committed he is to you.
2006-07-14 08:38:32 · answer #6 · answered by utopia 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm... sounds like you two have a bit of history... one that may put a bit of an issue on the "Trust" factor... and also, it takes a long time to heal from a break-up.
You and he may be able to love again, but the pain is still there lurking just underneath the heart...
In your situation, I suggest patience. Be friends first, talk... go out to dinner, dance... be adventurous... do things you never did in your last relationships... that way you pavlov your way out of making the same mistakes twice...or more...
2006-07-14 08:04:58 · answer #7 · answered by Emanuel Q 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him some time maybe he'll come around to wanting to marry again. And it doesn't sound like you have a problem just being the girlfriend. but keep in mind just in case you do start getting the feeling you want to re-marry:
Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
2006-07-14 08:07:02 · answer #8 · answered by sneakymonica 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself the question do you really wanna get married again after your divorce, god! it would want to be someone thats just short of perfect before I would. Not even over a divorce and your thinking of marraige, don't rush, you dont need a bit of paper to be in love. (one part of me wonders how much he is in love with you to say he does not want to marry, it might be though ..he is so in love, he would not want to do anything to jeopardise things with you).
Men get scared of being pushed into marraige especially after a bad one, I don't blame him really, why dont you just enjoy now and give him time, you can evaluate things after a year or two.
2006-07-14 08:08:20 · answer #9 · answered by Sam k 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If ur comfortable being with him and not be married then what's the problem? Besides I think u both need some space, comin out of a relationship, movin in sound nice-but it's like jumpin outta the fat into the fire so to speak. Ur ending one relationship and goin into another...........asl urself if that's wise?
2006-07-20 05:50:17 · answer #10 · answered by Rogue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋