I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Now she left to go back to her x. What do I do with my feelings?

Question

I went through a divorse about 2 1/2 years ago. I met a woman whom I fell madly in love with. We had a son togeather and 6 months ago I asked her to marry me. She said yes and told me several times that she had never loved a man like me and that I was a great guy. We had several conversations about our marriage date and every time she would not give me an answer. Her son, with her x-husband is 7 and his father has been working on him to talk to his mother to come back to him. Each time the child goes for a visit he comes home and starts in on her. I noticed 2 months ago the x-husband began calling and telling her he still loved her and wanted her to come back. The calls got up to 15 a day while I was at work. Friday night we were togeather and she told me she loved me very much. Sat morning we got up and played with our child and made plans for dinner. When I got home 3 hrs later I found my engagement ring, and a note that said that her van would be back in 2 days.

Answer 1

that is completely heartbreaking. Your feelings will recover eventually. The person who won't recover from this is your son.

I hope you get custody of that little boy, because I will bet you that your exfiancee will be leaving her first babydaddy soon enough.

And I'm disgusted that the father used his son to manipulate your fiancee.

When you finally find someone else, I really hope they don't have kids already, and that you wait to make another baby until you know you're going to be together for a good long time.

best wishes to you.

Answer 2

I think what the father did was reprehensible -- not necessarily trying to regain his ex-marriage (although that's a bit dubious as well) but using his own son as a tool in order to put emotional pressure on your fiance to leave you and go back.

Even if the father had the best intentions, the kid was a pawn and there's now some relational damage in that family.

I'm not quite sure what to make of your gf's decision. Women have a sense of loyalty in a relationship that a man does not really understand; when he's unhappy, he usually just detaches or just leaves, but I've seen a lot of women cling to situations they know realistically are bad for them and never will work out, simply because they don't want to abandon that relationship. They are still loyal to and love the person who is bad for them.

With all that in mind, my first inclination would be to say it is possible your gf meant everything she said, but it broke her heart to have to continually refuse her 7-year-old and feel as if she was crushing his feelings. It is also hard to "kill" all feelings for someone you once loved -- something always lingers. So I could see her deciding, for her son, that she had to go back and could make it work somehow, at least for his sake.

What bothers me is that you said you had a son with her. Where is that son now? Is he with her? With you? What about his feelings? What about his future? That confuses me -- if she really loved you more, and if she was going to disappoint a son no matter what she did, she should have logically stayed with you.

To figure it out, you should consider when the emotional harrassment began in relation to your proposal. If it was about the same time or predated it, then her refusal to not set a date probably was impacted by the harrassment.

(Calling 15 times a day? That's virtual stalking.)

In any case, what do you do about your feelings? Man. You are going to hurt for awhile. You can't avoid that, she betrayed you. There is a period of grief that everyone has to go through, at the loss of trust and the relationship. Maybe she can be convinced to return, maybe not. I don't know.

I think you can reasonably request a discussion (alone) with her. You deserve more than a note -- you *deserve* for her to explain to you explicitly why she made this decision. That would be right, fair, and considerate of her.

(If she really cares about you, she needs to break it off clean or not break it at all -- no matter how much it hurts her to have to face you. If she can't face you, then she's ashamed and shouldn't be doing this.)

You also have a child. You must discuss what happens with him, how he is going to be raised, the effect her leaving you (the father) will have on him. He is your son. You have paternity.

I am really concerned, though, for that family. The father did something that really violated their son's boundaries.

[Basic Rule of Parenting 101: NEVER ever use the child as an intermediary between feuding parents. NEVER. It always damages the child. The parents must accept responsibility to solve their problems themselves and meanwhile always protect the child and consider his/her welfare. What he did REALLY angers me.]

He also violated his ex-wife's boundaries by literally harrassing her. Fifteen calls in one day, with that pattern persisting for days, is harrassment, pure and simple.

(Note: If she went back only because she was pressured, it is never going to last.)

I would try to get her to meet with you, alone, so you can discuss this stuff. I don't think it's petty for you to refuse access to your property until she does agree to talk to you alone. Don't be mean about it, just say that there are things that need to be discussed.

Answer 3

well with him calling her 15 times a day and him also sending thier 7 year old son to say things to her to get her to come back is verry overwhelming. i mean i can understand that she might have felt that it would be for the best she felt obligated. she obviously loves you and wanted to be with you but cause of the calls she could not get your hopes up by giving you a wedding date due to the fact that she felt stuck and lost on what to do. i think the last thing she realy wanted to do is leave you. she might even come back, she might get there and maybe things just wont work out . but one thing that concerns me is that you have a son together to, so you need to make sure that you get partial custody i mean it is your kid too and any kid needs both parents not just one. she cant just think that she can pick up and leave with your kid like that. this is definitly a hard situation, but if you love her that much then try and get her back, but be carefull dont do it illegally, you dont want her to take you to court for full custody of your child. good luck, i realy wish i had something to tell you that would make it all better but this is just going to take time and patients.

Answer 4

It is for the best. She would have probably married you and then started an affair that ended in leaving you anyway. You saved some money for the divorce. Just be patient. Your work and what you are looking for in a good woman will pay off eventually. God will put someoner life that you deserve and you should evaluate where you are meeting these women. Good luck and god bless

Answer 5

Be thankful that you did not get married. She would have been lying when reciting the vows she took. She will realize her mistake one day and remember the reasons why she left him in the first place. Don't take her back she will only hurt you worse in the end. Let her go and take care of yourself and your son. Time heals all wounds. It will be hard but stay strong. Its OK to talk to people about it. I know it must hurt like hell but have faith that one day you will feel better. It hurts anytime someone we love betrays us but people only make you feel the way you let them. Realize its her loss and move on.

Answer 6

wow, what a witch. i think she is confused at what she wants and thinks now she wants her ex hubby. you know what, she isnt worth it, she was lying to you the whole time. she is a snake and she belongs with the other guy, he is her ex and was her ex for a reason, and now think he is the world, she will find out again soon why he was her ex and you wont be there for her.i think you should leave her and never look back. she is not worth it and she broke your heart , a person like that doesnt deserve to find true love, if she can just play with your feelings like that , thats wrong.she will get hurt, just like she hurt you. be strong and move on, be there for yourself now. and focus on you. thats the best thing you can do. she isnt worth it, she sys she loves you but hurts you, if she loved you she wouldnt have done that. you deserve better and will find better. good luck.

Answer 7

Concentrate on yourself and your son. She allowed her ex to worm himself back in. When the time is right, find someone else that will be dedicated to you and has her head on straight.

Answer 8

it is better you found this out now rather than going through another divorce. It sucks and you will get through it you know you will you did it once before. Just make sure you get to see your child.

Answer 9

OK BABY I KNOW THAT THIS IS HARD. BUT YOU NEED TO JUST CRY LET IT OUT THEN MOVE ON. IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE IT WILL BE.YOU NEED TO EVALUATE YOURSELF AND KNOW WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IN A MATE AND PUT IT IN GODS HAND. TALK TO GOD ASK HIM FOR A MATE AND BE SPECIFIC DOWN TO EVERY DETAIL. IF NOT YOU WILL JUST GET ONLY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR. HAVE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF AND WHEN ITS YOUR TIME SHE WILL COME . DON'T RUSH IT. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT.

Answer 10

ow where is your kid baby