A while back I wrote a short story titled "The Suitcase" those who read it claimed to love it, and encouraged me to enter somewhere. It is about a teen looking forward to a summer camp in order to avoid her family. Then she discovers her parents have been planning for a cross-country trip instead! She is furious, and to top it off her picture perfect cousin is tagging along. She brings along a beautiful suitcase and plans to record her terrible trip. In the end.... well, you'll see! Would you read it? I'll post the first page or so, I don't want to bore you!
It was the last day of 7th grade and I glanced, satisfied, at my straight ‘A’ final report card. I liked to excel. Now I was definitely going to Riverwood Summer Camp. It was one full week of hands-on advanced classes, swimming and away from my annoying family. It was heaven, especially to a 13 year old.
When I walked through our front door my younger brother Bradley was sitting on the couch eating Doritos. He was 11, annoying, and hideously covered in orange cheese. I wrinkled my nose disdainfully and Bradley threw the greasy bag at me. It landed square in the middle of my white shirt, spewing orange dust all over.
“You disgusting little beast!” I shrieked and pounced on him. Then, (of course) my mother walked in.
“Arielle Raven Palmer! What have you done?” I frantically described in vain what had happened. Mom just sighed and said, “Let me see your report cards, both of you.”
My mother’s green eyes showed her delight while reading my outstanding grades and her slight satisfaction at Bradley’s.
“You got your Social Studies grade up! Great! Oh, look 3 A’s! Reading, Math and Science! Wow, Bradley!” It must have been hard for her to have two kids with completely different goals, but the only thing I could think about was my glorious trip to Riverwood.
I sprinted up the stairs into my marigold yellow room. I lay back on my bed and began singing
“Riverwood, Riverwood, I’m going to Riverwood for AN ENTIRE WEEK!!!!” over and over until Bradley yelled,
“Shut up!” and threw something at my closed door.
Too happy to be disturbed, I pulled a beautiful suitcase out of my closet. It had been a gift from some great-aunt for my birthday a few months ago. I had planned to use it for my Riverwood trip as long as I had had it in my possession.
The suitcase was a light blue and very antique looking with silver hatches. It wasn’t very big but could hold my things because it had a gray netting to hold extra clothes. On the bottom of the inside of the case there was a red star. I had discovered that when you twisted and pushed on the star, it revealed a secret compartment!
On the top of the suitcase in dark blue paint I had written: A.R.P.
“Just like on old-fashioned suitcases.” I thought with a smile. As a naïve teenager I had entertained myself by imagining someone years from then finding my mysterious suitcase. Little did I know I would go on my own adventure with the suitcase?
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
“Come in!” I bellowed cheerfully.
“Hey, Sweetie?” mom entered timidly entered my room.
“Hi Mom!” I said as I packed a light purple skirt and white tank top into my suitcase.
“Arielle, we need to talk.” She said gravely.
“About Bradley? It’s not my fault! He threw-“ but I was cut off.
“Not that, Arielle…” she sighed and I jumped back into the conversation.
“I can tutor him if you want…?” I knew Mom could get touchy about Bradley’s grades.
“No. It’s not about Bradley. It’s about the summer. And you thinking about going to camp.” I could feel my face fall and the giddiness drain from my body.
“What? I don’t understand.” I murmured.
“Arielle, we can’t afford to send you to Riverwood. We’ve decided to go on a cross-country trip as a family.”
2006-07-14 06:59:25 · 12 answers · asked by ~S~ is for Stephanie! 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I really enjoyed it. I thought it flowed smoothly, and quickly, so I didn't get lost and/or bored. I'd love to see/read the final copy!
The only thing I might suggest to you is to watch your punctuation. Comma's, question mark's... (example) "Little did I know, I would go on my own adventure with the suitcase." This is a statement, not a question. Use commas to seperate thoughts.
Also, I agree with the name thing... I can live without Arielle", but, I love the other names: Riverwood, Bradley, Raven Palmer... good job!
2006-07-14 08:57:01 · answer #1 · answered by Kitten2 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well I want to be very honest with you, because lying to you would not help you excel as a writer. The general idea of the story is great, but I am unsure of what audience you are trying to reach out to. The sentences are too short, and there is not enough detail to keep the attention of must young teenagers let alone adults. I would try to expand a little. Maybe describe what the girl and her maybe chubby brother look like? I would also give the suitcase more importance. Some great aunt gave it to her? Maybe it could have been her favorite great aunt's suitcase who just passed away. Expand on your sentences and use more imagery words and phrases and this could be a great little book.
I liked to excel. Now I was definitely going to Riverwood Summer Camp
This just doesn't grab the readers attention and the first paragraph...heck the first sentence of a book is the most important. Describe Riverwood more. Enchanting words can be used to make it seem like a heaven...Hope I have helped
crazi_kay07@hotmail.com
if you need me
2006-07-14 07:05:59 · answer #2 · answered by Kay 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Orson Scott Card's short stories, one compilation is called Maps in a Mirror. These are excellent. They use fantasy or science fiction to illustrate universal human traits, maladies and conditions. Neil Gaiman also has a good book of short stories called Smoke and Mirrors. He uses the adult fairy-tale genre to communicate mystery and wonder.
2016-03-27 05:14:01 · answer #3 · answered by Cynthia 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's OK, but the plot is a little hard to understand, and I'd suggest changing Arielle's name to something that's not from a Disney movie.
2006-07-14 07:17:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great Job....find an editor and locate a publisher....is this a first for you or have you tried writing others? Keep going! All the best!
2006-07-14 07:11:32 · answer #5 · answered by lisa_loves_friends 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it sounds really good...however, I think you could cut back a little on the detail. It gives it a little to much wordiness and takes away from the point of the story...otherwise sounds good so far!!
2006-07-14 07:06:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Somehow, I have a feeling I know what's going to happen. Odd. But I guess that's what happens when you read a cliched and formulaic story.
2006-07-14 07:03:29 · answer #7 · answered by teh_sexi_hotttie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It could be interesting! Keep writing, and submit! You never know what might happen.
PS: I think that first response was pretty rude.
2006-07-14 07:09:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think that a short story's are good because i deslexser and its hard for me to read long things
i dont know if any of this make sence to you or anyone reading this
2006-07-14 07:08:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would love to read the rest. and i love reading..i would enter it somewhere....dont listen to the negative answers.. probably most of them only answered to get the points.
2006-07-14 11:17:45 · answer #10 · answered by hotnwild6878 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋