In a marriage does the touching each other and sex lower stop?

Question

I can't figure out what is going on. I have been married for 3 years and been with him for 4 yrs. I am a military wife. And it seems that he doesn't want sex really anymore and we don't even really kiss. I try and try to figure out why but he says he doesn't know why. I am becoming unhappy and don't know what to do. I am almost thinking if leaving would be my best option. Can Anyone Give me advice please? I also tried to have him go to counseling with me but he won't go.

Answer 1

I think that perhaps the bigger problem you have here is the fact that he is unwilling to go to counseling. Just because a couple goes to marriage counseling does not mean they're having significant problems or their relationship is insufficient. Counseling is a way to help the two of you connect better, and connection seems to be what the two of you really need right now.

First of all, have you tried talking to him about this lack of intimacy? Use the words "I, me, and my" rather than "you and yours" and this will help defuse the defensive words that will most likely come out of his mouth. If you use an accusatory tone, it will only make him close down more quickly. Tell him that you miss his touch and ask him what you could do to perhaps help him regain his passion. If you support him in this discussion rather than making him feel that it's all on his head to fix the situation he'll most likely respond better.

Another suggestion is to spoil him rotten. Put on a slinky lil outfit, make dinner and serve it by candlelight, make sure there's plenty of time for cuddling and more! If he has a favorite scent, wear it. Make it a light meal so you both don't want to just sleep off a food coma, and go at it. Try being a bit aggressive, and drag him into the bedroom and ravish him. Leaving him breathless and excited.

It seems like there's something going on in the background here, which could be a multitude of things. He could be tired, he could be stressed out about something, there may be some feelings that he's holding back and doesn't have the courage to talk to you about. Men aren't the best at talking about emotion, they tend to react in more physical displays. He may be upset about something and is pulling back because it's the only way he knows how to react. Unfortunately, another possiblity could be an affair, but that's an extreme case, and I wouldn't immediately jump on this bandwagon. There are many other signs that indicate that kind of behavior.

The first five years of marriage are typically the most difficult because the romance of marriage has worn off, and you both haven't become completely comfortable with the other person in your life. My suggestion is to find ways to connect with him not only in the bedroom but in everyday life as well. Take him out and do something with him that he enjoys, even if you're not crazy about it. Don't discount your relationship just yet, unless you're not willing to fight for the love you have both shared for each other. If you're not willing to fight for it, then most likely he's not the best partner for you in the long run.

Best of luck to you, I hope some of these tips and suggestions help.

Answer 2

If you are to stay with her either she or the other fellow must find a new job elsewhere for sure. Seems she is an easy mark for anyone that pays attention to her, some ladies never initiate things but seem to go along if someone else does and some are very submissive which you may have played a hand in creating. The primary concern here is the children, the long term well being of each of you and your wife and your finances. Is she fighting to keep the marriage going? Do you want to stay with her? The kids are the ones being taken hostage here in all this. It sounds from your info provided that she truly wants to keep the marriage going. That does not mean that next time she is approached she will be able to resist so there is a great deal of work to be done together by both of you. You will NEVER find another Mother for your children and you will NEVER not have to deal with her if you divorce due to marriages grandkids family events, finances etc she will be a huge part of your life for many years anyway so whats the harm in trying to work it out? I think you should both be really honest and do a very great deal of talking about the future and only enough about the past to put it behind you. You can sail into the future dragging yesterdays anchor. I wish you luck and will bet that you do make it together

Answer 3

Even if he won't go get counseling, you should still consider it. The Family Service Center is free to military families; get some help there. And keep working at him; tell him that if he really cares about you and your marriage, he will consider going with you. In the mean time, getting some counseling yourself might help you to understand yourself better and maybe give you some insight into what's going on, and might help you to make smart choices for your future either alone or as a couple. You can't change the world around you, but you can change yourself for the better!

Answer 4

Usually most intimacy problems revolve around communication problems and can be resolved by trying to pinpoint any problems or anything that is not making either of you satisfied or happy within the relationship itself. I think counseling would be a good idea in order to see if there is something wrong or lacking in the relationship that wasn't before. But if he is unwilling to go with you, that is a sign that he is unwilling to work on your relationship. I know that many guys don't like going to counseling bc of the whole stigma that its some weirdo giving you cooky advice but that really isn't the case. I think you need to sit down and talk to him and let him know just how much this is bothering you and he needs to either collaborate with you to find a solution or realize that you aren't going to put up with things the way they are bc its not making you happy. (Just try to point that out where you really express your feelings and dont put him on the defense or it will blow up in your face). He really needs to swallow his pride and demonstrate his love by wanting to see whats wrong so that you guys can change for the better rather then waiting around for something to be different only to find that it is an ineveitable divorce. Good luck to you and I hope that he works with you bc this doesn't seem to be too big of problem if you guys could just fully address your feelings about the situation and work to meet each other's needs.:)

Answer 5

You say u r a military wife. If he has been in for awhile then it is the military that is slowly chipping away at him. They desensitize you when u r there so you have no feelings. They see and do some really sick stuff in training and on the front. To make them into a well oiled machine. They make the male ego way too macho and dark! He needs to be reminded what he fights for, to come home to you. To love, liberty, and freedom! It may be too late to pull him out of the fox hole. Try talking some more if that doesn't work tell him what YOU feel YOU need to do and move on, because communication is paramount and if you don't have that then it is basically over. PS He may not be ABLE to go to counseling because of classified info., when they say u tell no one they mean it!!

Answer 6

No it does not stop especially when you have just gotten married.
I believe that your husband had a bad experience when he was little or young in his teens. He needs counselling now, otherwise he would become bitter and resent you for something you were not part of. He married you because you had the qualities of a good wife but he was not ready for marriage. He brought along his baggage and has deposited into the marriage. Do not feel guilty and blame yourself. He has to decide that he is helpless in this situation and admits that he needs help.

Answer 7

Did he used to kiss alot when you two were dating?
I've been married for 1.5 years
and my husband is not a big kisser, either.
It used to really bother me,
but now I realize that he was NEVER a big kisser.
That's just who he is.
I don't complain/ask him why he doesn't kiss me more.
Now if I want a kiss I just kiss him first.
And I cherish those times when he kisses me first.
My husband is like yours.
He doens't like to touch/cuddle/hold hands alot.
That's just his personlity.
Instead of leaving him, try to compromise.
That's what I've done.
I've discovered my hubby is alot more willing
to cuddle and kiss when we are in bed
(either for sleep or for wrestling,
if you know what I mean).
There is a time and a place for everything.
I cherish our nights together
because I'm getting what I want.
So if I crave it during the day,
instead of complaining,
I simply use those longings as anticipation for the night.
If the physical intimacy has lowered,
ask yourself if he seems more stressed.
Whenever my husband gets really stressed,
he can't sleep and he also can't think about sex.
Try giving him a massage.
My hubby loves head and back massages.
Ease some of his tension
or tell him something positive
to lighten his mood.
Sometimes if my hubby is upset with me
about something, he isn't in the mood for sex.
I can normally tell if he is
simply stressed or if he's upset.
So I'll ask him what's wrong.
Sometimes he will tell me right away.
If he doesn't,
I simply let him have his space.
He will come to me when he's ready.
Then we sit down and settle
whatever issue is bothering him.
The best part is enjoying the makeup sex!
One other thing I can think of is that
maybe he's overly tired/worn out.
(Physically, mentally, or emotionally.)
Be attentive to his needs
and at the same time
let him know what your needs are.
Marriage is about give and take! :)
Before I started working on my marriage,
I thought about leaving him, too.
But first I sought some marriage advice
from a professional.
You know what he said?
"When you think you might want to give up,
wait exactly one year from that date."
Within that time,
do everything in your power
to save the marriage.
If things still haven't improved,
then go ahead and divorce.
At least you will then have a peace of mind
knowing that you did everything
in your power to save your marriage.
Years from now you won't look back
and wonder "what if?"
My last piece of advice is this:
go to mortfertel.com
He leads program called"marriage fitness."
You can do it by yourself
or with your husband.
First sign up for his free advice.
Give your email address and
he will give you one tip every day
for like two weeks about how to save your marriage.
It totally changed my life!
So good luck to you, hon :)

Answer 8

Any number of things could be the cause. You said he won't go to counseling. That's a shame, but you can go on your own. If nothing else, it can give you the tools you need to make the most of your marriage. Plus, as time goes by, he may see that the counseling is doing you good and agree to go himself.

Answer 9

Your relationship could have just hit a slump. Try something different with him plan a day trip with him and get romantic maybe an intimate movie, accessories, etc.... If you know what I mean.
There is also the chance (I am only saying) maybe he is having an affair? Has he been spending more time away from home? I hope this is not the case.

Answer 10

leaving is probly not the answer ; most people asked after they get a devorce or seporate are you happyer now say NO. please take time to consider stress and the day to day battle in every day life . im a 38 yo. man i have been married for 12 years . there is times when i get worn out or just rapped up in the daily grind . i didnt even knowe it but my wife was ready to leave me . i couldnt even fathom it . not that i am such a great guy but things seemed ok but guys dont think like women and women dont think like men god made us differnt wether we like that or not. we lose track of what is most important to women because of this . this is no excuse for neglecting your wife . but we do lose touch with our mates mostly because of being caught up in the world . i dont know your situation but the only real answer is good christ centered councling with a man of god. my self i go to an independent fundamental baptist church where the pastor stays on the couples about taking time for each other . i had know idea just how bad i was neglecting my wife and knowe matter what she couldnt get through my thik head. the preaching of gods word pricked my heart and i decided to go to pastor bell with my wife . for us he said some thigs that were real simple .we did them we stayed in church and its been 7 years and we still have the slowe downs but its easyer to recognize and she can talk to me much easyer now. and buy the way if we dont have the spirit of god in us he cant guide us . please take the time to make sure your saved . salvation is a free gift and its eternal . freely admit to christ your a sinner (done something wrong ) and realize we (you) owe a penalty for your sin.and we have all sinned. believe christ died to pay for your sin died on the cross and god raised him from the dead tell him and ask him to come into your heart and save you to take you to heaven when you die . only then will you be sealed by the holly spirit and god can begin to work in your life. hope i see you in heaven

sorry spell check not working

larry